*HOPE* for mythoughts

karen sorry about your computer I wish I lived near by so I could just come by and fix it for you :( come on MSN when you can and maybe I can try and help with chat....

Mythoughts, I do understand. I miss that, too. That is probably the most significant source of pain for me at this time in my life. I know you feel that pain every day….I can see that in your posts. I was really hoping that you and your wife would develop that kind of intimacy again, with your individual therapies and perhaps marital counseling, but I get the impression from what you’ve said lately that it may be too late, as far as you’re concerned. Am I reading that correctly? I’m very sorry if that’s the case, because I can only imagine how sad it makes you feel. I don’t want to say more until I know whether or not I’m interpreting your words correctly. Believe me, there is no judgment here of right or wrong….I’ve been down that road myself, so I think I might know where you’re coming from, to some degree. I hope you will be able to rest tonight. It sounds like you were called away, so I’ll save my other questions for a later time.

Hi Mythoughts, I hope you are getting a good sleep as I write this. I’m not sure whether the sleep and energy issues are due to the Cipralex or not, but I hope you will share this stuff with your doctor. There might be something better out there for you, if the side effects continue to be this debilitating. I can see why you feel that you’re in a no-win situation with respect to the decision-making with the kids. If you make decisions which are consistently overruled, then you must feel like there isn’t much point in making those decisions in the first place. I’m sorry it’s become a source of anger for your wife, and I can see your dilemma. I get the impression that you’ve already spoken with her about this, and it seems that unless she is willing to give you some authority to make decisions, and is willing to back them up, she will have to deal with making them on her own. I don’t really see any other way around it……do you? On the sensitivity issue….I have a love-hate relationship with my extreme sensitivity. I love feeling good things deeply, but hate feeling bad things deeply, and in a state of depression, the former is hard to find, and the latter is nearly impossible to shake. I spent a lot of time with my therapist trying to learn the positive aspects of being highly sensitive, and it did help me to feel better about myself and accept myself more, since she and I both agreed that this “HSP” quality was not something I could change or erase. I guess I’ll never make a good stoic after all. Yes, I do have a few close friends….my circle is very small, but I believe in quality over quantity when it comes to friendships. It has taken time and trust to be able to develop these, but it has benefitted me greatly. I still spend the majority of my time alone, which has always been my preference, but I am grateful to have some confidants when I need them. I hope you will have that, too, perhaps starting with the priest friend you mentioned before. I’m really glad you had some positive feelings about your new classroom today. I think the timing of the move is perfect, and I hope you will feel that way, too. I realize that feelings cannot be shut off like a tap, but it sounds like you are willing to see this as a new opportunity, and I’m happy and hopeful for you. I know you may be tired of hearing (reading) me say this, but please don’t hate yourself, Mythoughts. You’re a wonderful person, worthy of love and intimacy and all the things you desire in your life. You will see this, as you keep moving forward, through your current and future therapies and your discoveries outside of those. Sometime when it is not so late at night, I will tell you some things about my own path, so that you will know just how far down I was and how it is possible to climb back up again. I still have a lot of work to do, but I have hope now, and I know you will have hope, too.

 I guess this is where I deviate from the average depressed person.
I've grown accustomed to self loathing. Liking myself seems so foreign.

I may not be available for a while. My wife's family picnic is tomorrow. I don't want to go, but I can be social for my family. I usually run the kids' games, but am willing to let others run the show. Then I can be like the other dads: sit and do nothing whilst the ladies do all the work. Nah, can't do that, (and I'm trying not to judge those men) but I'm hoping for rain. There is a 70% chance of it tomorrow. My grass could use more.

Enjoy your weekend everyone.

Mythoughts, I am so sorry that you are feeling so bad, but I had to edit your post.  It was too discriptive and we have children as young as 13 on the forum.  Thank you in advance for understanding.  We love you on the forum and await your next post.

Hugs, Karen

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 6/27/2009 8:13:25 PM (GMT-6)

Thanks, Raniah. My second post just talked about self harm, without action details. But I talked about how it made me feel, which is, I guess, still description and as such it violated the limits of the web site.

Your thoughts are well received.

Karen, I will keep my comments to a simple "thought of self harm", without any descriptors, in the future. Thanks for your diligence.

Yup, rain since 9:30 am. Waiting for word from Grandma (my mother-in-law) if the picnic is a go.

Thanks for the email offer, and the positive wishes.

Hi Mythoughts, I hope you are having a better day today. I'm having a rough time this morning, and will have to find a way to pick myself up. I think I will stay in today and try to find my way through it. I hope the family outing was successful. Give us a shout when you are up to it.

(I was writing my last post just as you posted, so it did not reflect a response to yours of today.)

I'm sorry that you feel unwell. Is your state a result, or a reflection, of your family time yesterday?

I hope that you find the tolerance, or mindfulness, to ride this wave. We are thinking of you. Let us know how you survived the morning. We would be happy to hear your thoughts and feelings, to know that you are OK, and we may learn and gain strength from your wisdom.

Looking forward to your post. Take care of yourself.

Glad that you are well and getting through the day. Anniversaries of important events involving my wife and 'her' are the tidal waves of emotions.

I'm not at the 'it'll be over soon' stage of feelings, like you. More of a 'here we go again, I'm a broken vinal record in a digital world, just through me out and forget me' status. Half joke, half real. I wanted to throw myself out, but made a promise to my daughter to not do so, though she is unaware of how serious it was (is).

Family. I'm glad that you feel like you belong to a group. I don't have a practising family, but my wife's feels as if I am a part of theirs. I don't. I won't call her mom 'Mom', I'm not close to relatives, but I do care about them. But they can't adopt me. If Sue & I break up, I'm out. So I'm a temporary external family member. Just stating fact.

Now I have to solve my family's fighting. Got to go.

Im glad that you have your quiet time.

Enjoying your quiet time, Raniah?

I played UN Peacekeeper (we Canucks are good at that) with my daughters. My youngest (8 yrs) has that Emotional Disregulation, too. Heart of an Angel, mouth of a trucker... Well maybe mouth of a soccer mom. I helped her calm herself by petting our bunny. Mindfulness. It worked, and they came to an agreement.

Storm's moving in now, so you'll probably get some this eve, Raniah. My storm has calmed (inside) for now. It's tough living in a personal tsunami/hurricane zone. Wish I could move.

Hi Mythoughts, and Karen: Karen…..I hope you have a good time on your rock hunt and feel better soon. You’ve inspired me to go outside and explore for a while this afternoon. I think it will be helpful. Mythoughts….thank you for your thoughts, and for sharing. Your comment about solving the family’s fighting really brought back memories of my time raising three step-children. I tried to leave most of the discipline and the problem-solving to my ex, since the children already had two biological parents, and their social worker strongly advised that I play a supportive, almost ‘friendship’ type of role. However, I was left to care for them alone for entire days and evenings many times, and it was hard to avoid getting involved when the sibling fights ensued. That is a long story, which I will post to you sometime, since it’s been on my mind. For the record (<--bad pun on the horizon), I really put a lot of value on my vinyl collection. Too bad my turntable doesn’t work. I miss listening to music with the odd pop-and-scratch. I believe in the concept that everything in life has its imperfections, including us, and I think there is beauty in that kind of inconsistency and distinctiveness. I don’t think you’re broken, or even warped. I think you are wonderful in your own right, and it is the depression that keeps you from seeing it. On a serious note, I want you to hold fast to your promise to your daughter. Having that kind of commitment can quite literally be a lifesaver. I’ve been thinking about what you said about being a temporary family member. I guess I feel a sense of impermanence with this ‘adopted’ family of mine, too, because I am connected through a friendship with one of the adult children, and I have noticed in life that many friendships have a season or a lifespan to them, and they are not always lifelong associations. But for now, it fits well with my life, and it gives me something to be grateful for. I hope you will find that comfort in your life, too, particularly since things are so distant with your wife. I am very much a loner like you are, but it does help to have a friend to talk to now and again. P.S. Just saw your later post….we must be writing around the same time today. Yes, I am (or was, at least) the peacekeeper of the family as well. I’m glad you were able to help your youngest get settled. It must be rewarding for you to put your skills, both old and new, to work for the peace of your children. I’m glad you are feeling more calm as well. Thanks for your thoughts. I'll write again soon.

Hi Mythoughts, I took a walk outside and it helped. I always enjoy the feel of the earth and grass under my feet, and the fragrance of the flowers in my gardens. It’s quiet here today, so I was able to listen to the birds and revel in the music of nature. These are the times that I enjoy being a sensitive person…it brings richness to these experiences. Thanks for your remarks about my perspective on ‘relationships of the moment’. I had to take a second look at what I wrote, because I often feel such long periods of grief on the inside when things end, and I wonder if I have adopted this attitude as some sort of defense mechanism or something. I think you know from my comments about my grief over ‘him’ that this perspective doesn’t have as wide a net as it probably should. Something for me to consider and work on. I’m sorry about your dad’s death when you were so young. That had to be incredibly painful for you. Fifteen was my most difficult age, for different reasons, but I think in general it’s a tough time of life for most, and to have the experience of such a great loss must have been devastating for you. I lost my mother many years ago, too, although I was not as young as you were when you lost your dad. My life has not been the same since, as she was the one person who I believe had unconditional love for me. Like you with your dad, I had the experience of feeling that everything was pointless, since it would all come to an end, completely out of my control. It was hard to come back after that. You’re right about living in the moment. That, I think, is my only hope for contentment (and perhaps even happiness), and maybe it is that way for most. I wish you many of those ‘moments’ too.