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Posted 5/11/2009 8:16 PM (GMT 0)
   So I have a big issue with co-dependency. I can't seem to get away from feeling the need to have someone in my life that makes me feel as though I NEED them in my life. I have done this with more than one person and I know that I need to break this cycle. I do not like feeling as though my life and my emotions need to be based on how someone else is feeling. What can I do and how do I get away from this?
Posted 5/11/2009 9:50 PM (GMT 0)

Hello Kiki,

Welcome to HealingWell.  May I suggest you order the book "Codependent No More", by Melody Beattie.  It comes highly recommended by many therapists.  I have read it and was surprised to find I have some of these traits .........it is an excellent self help book.

I am so glad you found us.  Keep on talking to us.

I wish you peace,

Kitt

Posted 5/11/2009 9:59 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Kiki,

There are a lot of people that feel that they need others to fullfill their lives. The best way to take care of this is to learn to be happy with yourself. It takes work but it can be done. Put affirmation notes around your house such as "I am a good person" or "I am worthy of love". Possitive notes. The more that you read them to yourself, the more that it sinks in to you and you will begin to feel stronger.

Also the book that Kitt mentioned will help you. I have heard good things about the book.

I hope that you start feeling stronger. Stay with us and we will help you. But a good self help book is a good place to start.

Have you thought about counseling. That is also a very good place to get your self esteem back.

Best wishes to you, keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/11/2009 10:48 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you for the book recommendation. I have ordered the book and hopefully it will be here in a week or two. Until the book arrives do you have any other advice for me?

Posted 5/11/2009 11:28 PM (GMT 0)
Are you going to any counseling? It would really help you if you are not. You need to get your self esteem going. And they can help you with that.

In the meantime, love yourself and keep posting. You should get the book in no time. I have read it, it is good.

Thanks for posting.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/11/2009 11:53 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Kiki,

I agree with the suggestions about the book and about counseling. I've read that book, too, and it's good. One thing you can do that would be helpful to your self-esteem is to involve yourself in an activity, maybe something creative, to direct your focus and release some of that sadness and tension. It's wonderful to be able to get into something and lose your worries for a while. You might find that you can have some enjoyable time by yourself, too, and that will boost your feelings of 'self-dependence' instead of co-dependence. I wish you the very best, Kiki.....I hope you will keep posting.
Posted 5/12/2009 5:04 AM (GMT 0)
I have been doing some thinking tonight and the thought of self-depepndence scares me a bit. I am unsure at this point in time of what to do with myself. I don't want to shut everyone out but I do need to find a way to be able to tell people "no, I am going to stay home" or whatever. My concern is that I will go from one extreme to the other and end up somewhat like a hermit. Any suggestions?

Posted 5/12/2009 12:16 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Kiki,

Please don't be scared about self-dependence. You don't have to spend lots of time alone in order to have that. It's just a good feeling to be able to spend time by yourself once in a while, and know that even if you're not with someone, you can have fun and be alright. :-)
Posted 5/13/2009 2:12 AM (GMT 0)
It has been a great evening. I spent some time with a friend and some time alone. I feel a little more balanced today. I am sure there will be more days like this to come. Please keep posting your comments, they are quite helpful.
Posted 5/13/2009 2:19 AM (GMT 0)
Kiki,

I am so happy that you are feeling better, and yes there will be more good days to come.

Best wishes to you,
Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/13/2009 3:05 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Kiki,

That sounds wonderful. "Balanced" is definitely the word! I'm glad you were able to do that, and able to experience a good feeling with it.....that will help you to keep doing the same as you move forward. I'm really happy to see your post.
Posted 5/13/2009 10:51 AM (GMT 0)

hi kiki. just wanted to say hi, thanx for your honesty, i too have been in familiar situations, and definately have some of the traits also!  keep well, welcome and keep posting.

jamie, 37, male

mdd, iddm, severe borderline personality disorder, hormone deficency, diabetic nuropathy, lombroscal spine, bad water works, etc.

Posted 5/14/2009 1:55 AM (GMT 0)
okay so today was another pretty good day. I spent some time with my "kids" and just hung out by myself. I made a fabulous dinner for myself and I am beginning to feel like a human. I managed to go 3 hours without anyone calling me and I was very proud of myself for not calling anyone either. It was nice to have some "me" time. Also, I have been making some plans with people that I have not seen in a very long time and kind of breaking away from the norm. I want to thank ALL of you for your advice and support. You are all giving me the strength to be me!
Posted 5/14/2009 2:30 AM (GMT 0)
Wow, Kiki, you sound so good....and I'm so happy for you. It sounds like you are really changing things up, and taking care of yourself, too. I'm really glad that you're posting about your progress....it's really inspiring! Keep up the good work! :-)
Posted 5/14/2009 11:45 AM (GMT 0)
very good 2 hear kiki, stay positive, u are on the right track. jamie yeah
Posted 5/14/2009 10:51 PM (GMT 0)
So today was a horrible day at work and it involved one of my friends. However I am not going to let it get me down. I know things will be worked out. We will be mad for a little while then we'll talk and all will be well.
I received the book I ordered, "Codependent No More" today so I will start reading it this evening and see if it will help me continue with my progress.

I know that somedays are going to be really, really hard , but at this point in time I am just trying to stay positive and remember that I have people that will help me. So again, thank you all for your advice and positive reinforcements. It is more help than any of you could ever know.
Posted 5/15/2009 12:50 PM (GMT 0)

Kiki,

Hugs to you and I am so sorry you had a horrible day at work. I know what it is like to have disagreements with friends and how much we want to blame ourselves yet at the same time we feel hurt and upset by the whole situation.  I am glad this is someone that you will eventually be able to patch things up with and not someone that will hold a grudge but any confrontation is painful so bless you.

Whoooooooo hoooooooo, your book, "Codependent No More" arrived.  That is awesome and try to read it slowly and use it as a great resource to return to whenever you start to feel the need for a refresher.

Keep on talking with us and  remember one day at a time.

Gentle hugs,
Kitt

Posted 5/15/2009 9:47 PM (GMT 0)
Hi my name is Jennara. I just wanted to come on here and let you know that your not alone on this at all because I have a major problem with it! My relationship with my boyfriend seems to define who I am. And we NEVER do anything I like! All my relationships have been this way! I'm in the starting process of changing that. As soon as I get the money, I'm going to order the same book!

I also wanted to say, Thank you for creating this thread, as I needed to hear the same things!

Good luck to you in your journey to becoming "Co-dependant no more"

-Jen
Posted 5/15/2009 10:47 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Kiki, You definitely sound very positive despite the hard day you had. That's really good, and I hope you are giving yourself loads of credit for that! Keep the faith....you are doing great.
Posted 5/15/2009 11:50 PM (GMT 0)
Well, today was a bit better, still not a great day but it is what it is. I have plans to go to an art walk and have a drink with my mother tonight. It has been a long time since she and I were able to do anything just us. It'll be very nice.

I am glad that this thread is helping others besides just me. I will say that it has helped me tremendously. I know that I have a long road in front of me but like Kitt said "one day at a time".

Have a great evening and I will be back tomorrow to tell about my evening.
Posted 5/17/2009 2:08 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Kiki, Just wondering how your art walk went with your mother. I hope you had a wonderful time. Please keep posting to us! As you've said in your last post, writing about your experiences helps others, too, and I believe that there are many who benefit just from reading your posts, even if they are not participating with comments. All the best to you.
Posted 5/17/2009 6:52 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Kiki,

I am glad you had a date to go with your Mom as I know how special I feel when my daughter and I can do something together.  We did a spa day on Thursday and how fun that was.

I suspect your art walk was much like our Uptown Art Fair we have in Minneapolis.   I hope you found it enjoyable.

Sometimes I have bad days and good days and so-so days.  You will have those too but remember to always keep your sights on your  goals and you will make it through and how much better and stronger you will feel........lots of hugs to you. :-)

Stick with us Kiki, we are here for you.

Kitt

 

Posted 5/17/2009 8:17 PM (GMT 0)
My evening at the art walk with my mom was amazing. We had such a good time. It was a really great evening. The friend that I had an argument with did call that evening and tried to yell at me but I felt my heart start pounding so I just said I cannot do this right now and hung up the phone. I know that may not have been the nicest thing to do but I also know that if I had stayed on the phone with her it would have ended up ruining my evening with my mom and I was not going to let that happen.

Yesterday was a really nice day as well. I spent a good amount of the day with my best friend. We don't get to spend much time together since she got married, so it was really enjoyable.

Today I did some cleaning and I am taking a small break from work right now. I have a stressful week ahead of me and wanted to get an early start on things. I know that it is going to be stressful so I am preparing for it now.

Yesterday I purchased some incense, a couple Buddha statues, and a book on Taoism. I am looking for my inner peace and between those items and "Codependent no more", I know I will find it.

Thank you again for all the support. It means so much to me.

By the way, my best friend found out today that she is pregnant!!! Woohoo!!! I'm going to be an auntie! I am stoked!
Posted 5/18/2009 3:27 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Kiki, I'm really glad you enjoyed your time with your mom. I used to love doing things like that with my mom, and I know you two are building important memories together by doing these things, so I'm happy for you. Re: your friend who you had the argument with, I think you absolutely did the right thing. If someone is being antagonistic or hurtful to you, it's often best just to walk away (or in this case, get off the phone). I learned that from my mom, and it's been very helpful to me over the years. So....good for you, protecting your heart and saving it for your time out with your mom. It sounds like you have good coping skills, making the best of your time and preparing for the week ahead. Good for you! I also applaud you for the purchases you made in your quest for inner peace. I have studied Buddhism a bit, and I find that many of the beliefs and practices are helpful when dealing with the suffering that exists in life. I hope you find your pursuits worthwhile and enlightening. Congrats on your upcoming auntie-hood....it's a wonderful thing to share in someone's happiness, and to welcome a new life into the world. You sound strong and centered and happy....I'm so glad for you.
Posted 5/18/2009 3:33 AM (GMT 0)
I also found out that not only am I going to be the auntie but I am also going to be the babies God Mother! I am so excited for this and I am so happy for my friend.

As for the friend that I am arguing with, I have not yet discussed the situation with her. I feel I am not in the right frame of mind to deal with this matter. I will do a little more soul searching and figure out exactly what I need to say to her before I pursue this issue.

I had a wonderful meditation session today. I was in my meditation for a few moments and my dog joined me. He rested his chin on my lap while I meditated and he helped me feel even more centered and at ease. It was such a majestic feeling. I hope those of you that meditate who also have animals will someday feel this amazing connection with your pet.
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