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Oldest child graduating from high school......I am soooo depressed

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Posted 5/12/2009 6:39 PM (GMT 0)
Hello,

My son is graduating from High School in a few weeks and I am very sad, depressed. I was divorced about 5 years ago and we have lived together since. We have always done many things together, I coached his sports teams, we go fishing and hunting together. He will be moving on to college this next fall and right now I feel very lost and empty. I have loved going to his hockey and baseball games, playing pick up hockey, pitching batting practice, I loved the time spent together riding in the car and talking, it just seems that the things in life I value and enjoy the most are rapidly coming to an end, I am feeling like there is nothing to look forward to. I am happy that he is going to college and doing the things he wants, but I am already missing my boy. If any one has experienced this and could give some suggestions on how to work through it, I would greatly appreciate it.
Thanks,
ZT
Posted 5/12/2009 6:51 PM (GMT 0)
Hi ZT,

It sounds like you are starting to experience empty nest syndrome. This is so normal. Especially since the two of you have spent so much time together. It might be a little hard for you to adjust. But as he flies the nest, know that he is strong because of you and you have helped him to grow up.

You might want to look into doing some volunteer work or other work to try to fill some time up. Know that we understand where you are coming from and know that this isnt' easy for you.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. Be happy for yourself and your son, take it one day at a time and try to stay in the moment.

Best wishes to you

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/12/2009 9:31 PM (GMT 0)

ZT,

Hello, this is Kitt.  I feel so bad for you as I had my first major anxiety/depression episode when my oldest son went off to the Marines right after he graduated H.S.  I still had 3 children at home and thought I was fine with it but the empty next syndrome hit me right over the head.

I learned after that to prepare myself for reality but it sounds like you have just the one and you are already missing him.

When my youngest went off to college I took the venture with him and  loved going to the campus to visit.  It was a 5 hour drive for me but I enjoyed every single visit and the year he was homecoming king I was there along with his sister and we cried with joy and pride. So start planning your trips and remember he will always be your son.  You had him first now you are just sharing him with the world.

Coming here and talking to us is a wonderful way to get your feelings out there.  Make sure you tell that young man how much you will miss him and that you will be visiting. 

It is often difficult reaching milestones but remember exciting times are ahead for both of you.

Bless you

Kitt

Posted 5/13/2009 12:31 AM (GMT 0)

Hi ZT, I had those feelings when my youngest son went off to college over 2000 mi. away.  It was not easy to visit him and the vacations were the best but I would get all sad when he left.  I think what you are experiencing is a normal feeling.  I think the best thing to do is keep yourself busy and find hobbies, sports, anything that you enjoy and maybe ask a friend to join you.  You mention your oldest son is graduating.  Does that mean you have other children at home?  If so why not concentrate on helping them with their activities or school work.  I missed my son terribly even though I had another son at home and my elderly mother was living with us. My oldest son  still lives with me and I wish I could get him independent and in his own place. He is 35 and has epilepsy so he has never wanted to go away from home.  But at my age I am not going to be around forever and the truth is I would like to have my home to myself at this point.  So one day you may get your son back when all you want is to have your own place.  Life can be very complicated.  Let us know how you are doing and adjusting. We are all here for you and always willing to listen and help you through this time.  Take care.

Aurora

Posted 5/13/2009 12:57 PM (GMT 0)
Thank You All for your thoughts and ideas.

I keep telling myself that all of this is a process and that I need to go through it. I just keep getting these feelings of extreme sadness and it can be hard to shake. Last night we were hanging out after his ball game and I found myself feeling sad instead of enjoying my time with him. Thoughts like "there are not too many more days of sitting at home together left" etc. etc. I know that the reality will eventually sink in and that tim hopefully will help, but it is sooo hard right now, I just feel very lost and sad.

Tom
Posted 5/13/2009 1:11 PM (GMT 0)

Tom,

We used to call that feeling melancholy.  Try to stay in the moment and enjoy each moment you are with your son not worrying about the what if's and what will happen tomorrow.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt

Posted 5/14/2009 12:37 AM (GMT 0)

Tom, Kitt is right - you should enjoy all your moments with your son before he is off to school. Will he be going far away?  If he will not be too far away you can take weekends to go visit him.  Almost all schools have a parents weekend in the fall and you can look forward to visiting him then.  Also, if you are taking him to school leave a few days ahead and make a little trip out of it.  You can help him set up his dorm room and go shopping for the things he needs.  I know how you feel as I have been there.  Somehow you do get used to it but it is important to enjoy all the times that you do have together.  You still did not mention if you have other children.  The title of your post says "oldest child" so I am thinking you have other children or at least one more.  If you do have others then do spend the time with them and enjoy their company and help them with their activities.  The busier you keep yourself, the easier the time is and the easier it will be to adjust to this. I am thinking about you and wishing you the very best.

Aurora

Posted 5/14/2009 2:59 AM (GMT 0)
Hey ZT, try to get involved in community things for your new spare time and don't worry yet, he'll be home for the holidays.
I have a daughter graduating too, (she's only child) yes it will be hard, but I view it as giving me more time to work on
needlework projects, or for you maybe starting a new hobby, model planes eh...You got so much yet to do, maybe you could
mentor a child without a parent.. Hope this helps..I'n going to try to gt my hubby into a hobby that we can do together
on a Sunday afternoon...
Hope this helps, I know it will still be hard...
usually I'd give soft hugz but I'm hurtin too much tonight, so well wishes...
Posted 5/14/2009 2:45 PM (GMT 0)
I do have another child she is 15 and lives with her mother more than with me. I see her every other weekend and 1 night during the week. I miss her when she is gone and I would love to see her more often. I will have her 1/2 the time in the summer so that helps a bit. Last night I went for a walk and walked past my son's kindergarten school, I didn't even think about it until I was close. I sat down on the back hill and cried for quite awhile. I hope that this will ease in awhile it really sucks feeling this way. Thanks to all for the advice and for listening, I know it helps me a lot.

Tom
Posted 5/14/2009 6:17 PM (GMT 0)
Tom, I am glad to hear you have another child.  Since your daughter is 15 she can choose to see you more often without having permission from her mother.  I don't know how you get along with her mother but hopefully you can work something out where you can see your daughter more often.  And I think it would be a great idea to be a coach to a hockey team.  It will give you something to do and you will meet other parents.  Do you have friends to do things with?  Joining a group where you can meet people to have social contact would greatly help.  I hope this works out for the best.

Aurora

Posted 5/14/2009 6:39 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Aurora,

My relationship with my ex is not great. It is very difficult for her to communicate to me in any way that would be considered civil. She has thawed in the past month or so, so I am hoping that signals a change. My daughter has expressed a desire to spend more time with me and I am working on that. Her mother was going to alter the custody arrangement to reflect my daughters desire, but changed her mind when I let my daughter see a friend she didn't approve of. I am thinking that coaching would be a good thing for me to do. This is the first year in many years that I haven't coached. I have always been very active, but a couple of recent injuries have made me less active than I would like. I am recovering but the competitive sports I have enjoyed are now probably a thing of the past. All of my friends have always been tied into my activities so now when I am no longer on the team it is difficult for us to get together. I also find that most people my age socialize using alcohol. I do have a beer once in awhile, but have difficulty with social situations where a lot of alcohol is consumed. My father was a hard core alcoholic and I don't enjoy being around people that have had too much to drink even if they are "happy". I do need to find friends or re-establish friendships and get together and enjoy life. I am now just at a loss as to what things would be enjoyable, it's almost as if I need to find myself anew.

Thanks again,

Tom
Posted 5/14/2009 11:55 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Tom, I am not too familiar with what is involved with coaching but it is easier on you than actually playing the sport.  I think this is a great thing to do and you will meet the other kids parents.  Try to organize social activities after certain games such as at Haloween or at Xmas.  Kids really look up to their coaches and that helps you with knowing the parents.   My son played hockey for years and it was like a real social outlet for me as I am divorced too.  I am trying to think of things you can join without doing the bar scene.  That is not a good thing.  What about joining a book discussion group at your library where you all read a certain book and then gather once a month to have a discussion.  I used to work in a library and the book groups were very popular, both male & female members together.  Also, what about taking a class?  Is there anything you are interested in that would be a fun thing to do - computers, photography, cooking?  Does your town have a volunteer fire department where you can help out? Also, I live in a big city and there are gourmet clubs where people sign up and go out to different restaurants.  I am just making suggestions here for you to try to help you find your niche.  As far as your daughter, if she wants to live with you she is old enough to make that decision herself. It would mean following through with it legally and maybe now is not the time to upset her mother.  I know how it is to be divorced and sad and lonely.  I have been divorced 25 yrs. and my sons were babies at the time.  I had no support group or friends to confide in and it was a hard time.  So if I can help you in some small way I will be happy for you. Take care.

Aurora

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