New here, looking for support - married to depressed husband

Hi everyone,
I was Googling about depressed spouses and came across this site. You all seem like a nice bunch of people, and I'm hoping to maybe find some answers here, or at least try to gain some understanding/insight into my husband's depression.

A little about myself - I am 32 years old, married 6 years this year however I've known my husband for 10 years. We have 2 adorable boys, one is 3 1/2 and the other is almost a year old. My husband suffers from anxiety and depression and is currently taking medication to treat those as well as adhd. I suffer from mild depression however I feel that it's under control with the Zoloft that I take. We both work full time and our days are fairly hectic and busy. Hubby is currently going to group therapy for issues stemming from a tragic childhood, and we also go to marriage counseling together.

I find myself posting here because a lot of days I feel like the therapies are helping, and other days it seems like nothing will ever be better. Hubby and I argue over a number of small insignificant issues, a lot of them related to the fact that I feel like I do all the work around here while he seems to be incapable of contributing to the household because he is depressed. He has days where he'll stay home from work and sleep all day, leaving me to manage two young children alone. Other arguments we have are related to something I've done that's upset him, only I don't know that I've upset him because he keeps it all bottled up until he explodes and finally tells me. Seriously, last night he was upset with me because he says that for the past 10 years we've been together, we always watch what I want to watch on tv. Yes, laugh all you want, but he was *very* upset about it. A lot of the time I have no idea why he's so upset, finding his behavior to be erratic, only to realize later that it's because he's taken some Ambien (to help him sleep), except that he hasn't gone to bed. I've read you're supposed to go to bed right after taking Ambien, and have mentioned this to him countless times, but he won't listen. Maybe that information is incorrect, but since I'm not a doctor I don't know for sure. Oh, and yes, I'm pretty sure last night was an Ambien-night. I've asked him to tell me when he takes one, but he never does, so I'm caught off-guard frequently.

I've been questioning our marriage for the past couple of years, thinking that this was something all couples go through. However as time goes by, I'm starting to wonder whether our arguments are really a product of his depression, and if so, is the group therapy ever going to be successful? Is there a light at the end of the tunnel, or am I going to be with a depressed spouse for the rest of my life? And if there is a light, what do I do in the meantime to survive? Some days I feel like I'm just hanging on by a thread. I'm so tired of crying myself to sleep at night, feeling emotionally drained from trying to understand my husband, and feeling physically exhausted with taking care of my sons as if I were a single parent.

Thanks for reading.

Hi Mom,

Have you ever thought of couples therapy? If not, that is something that you might want to try. It seems like he keeps everything bottled up and then blows up when you least expect it. That can be very frustrating to deal with. Just when you think all is running smoothly, the bomb goes off and really catches you off guard. I can sympathise with that.

I think that all relationships have a time when things get harder. I would just take it one day at a time for now and see what happens. Have you talked to a therapist about this? YOu could use the support right now. And I really wonder if that couple therapy wouldn't help the two of you.

Do you ever ask him if something is bothering him when you suspect it? What does he say? Probably nothing. I use to be that way and after a while you can't hold it in any more. But I wasn't good at expressing myself and that is why I didn't say anything. That could be what he is going through.

Anyway, Keep posting as we are all here for you.

Hugs, Karen

momof2cuties

Welcome to HealingWell and the Depressions Forum.  Karen has given you wise advice and I agree with her. :)

 

This is a great place to meet new people and to be able to share your issues and concerns so stick with us.

Kitt

Hi everyone.
Well it's been 5 days since I posted and things haven't really gotten much better. Usually when hubby is depressed, he's "out of commission" for a day or two, and then starts to feel better again. It seems like this time he's gotten worse and is completely incapable of doing anything for himself or our children. I am currently sick, but I'm having to take care of both boys anyway. Hubby got up a little while ago to have something to eat, and I told him that our younger son would probably need to go to the doctor, as he's running a fever of 101. Hubby said "Sorry, I'm gonna need you to take him." When I asked him why he said "I just can't do anything right now." Then I asked him "Well what about ___" (our older son who is 3.5 years old). Hubby said "You'll need to take him with you too." Come on, I'm already sick, and to take a sick one year old and a rambunctious 3 year old to the doctor's office for 3 hours just completely sucks.
Somebody tell me how I can get through this? It's just the beginning of a 3-day weekend, which was supposed to be fun. :(

Hi Jeannie - what do you do when your husband falls into depression? Sometimes I feel very supportive and try to do what I can for him, but other times I feel very resentful, and I don't want to feel that way.

I hope that you were able to get your little one to the doctor without much trouble. It sounds like you are taking on the whole deal here. I hope that you are feeling bettter now. It is hard, but you will truly be blessed for your kindness and compassion. You are doing the best that you can. That is obvious.

Keep posting to us, we are here to help as much as we can. And most of all we are here to listen.

best wishes for a wonderful weekend, though I know that it is hard. You will make it, you are a strong woman.

Hugs, Karen

I was reading your post and I thought for a minute that it was my husband in disguise writing about me. Ha! Wild. I am a stay at home mom. I have a 3 1/2 year old and an almost 1 year old too. (he will be one on the 27th). It sounds like your husband and I have a lot in common. I can understand your frustrations and they are clearly the same as my husbands. It must be very difficult. I also suffer from a tragic childhood full of all kinds of abuse and neglect. My husband doesn't understand why I can't leave the past behind me and sometimes he feels cheated out of healthy happy marriage because of my past. Things were easier for us before we had kids too. I would love to chat more with you or even with your husband unless that would make either of you uncomfortable. I probably provide you with a lot of insight into what your husband is going through.

Hi Mom,

It has been several days since your last post and I hope that you have started to see a bit of relief.
I am experiencing the same thing. My husband's depression has wreaked havoc on me personally. I am his caregiver - not his wife. So, I understand where you are. Since you have children involved, you have the responsibility to them first. Which means in order to take care of them, you must take care of yourself.
If your husband is so depressed that he can't get out of bed, have you asked him if he is suicidal? If he is thinking about suicide, then he needs to get to the hopsital. If he won;t go then you should call an ambulance. When in this state, he is not in his right mind. Not to scare you, but your children are potentially at risk while in the home with someone so emotionally disturbed. Many put focus on the depressed individual, yet forget to notice the strain that this could be causing to the children and to the caregiver(you).
If you have relatives in the area, can the children spend the night there?
What I am basically saying is that you have to say the "the buck stops here." Get him to the hospital if need be, get him through this bout. Once he is in a better place, have a very frank talk with him. Let him know that you are unable to continue caring for him in this way. He needs to seek outside help, if not for his sake-- for the children's. And if he doesn't do it, tell him what you will do - and stick with it.
Although they are young, children know things. This could affect them when they are adults as your husband is modeling this behavior.
I apologize if this is too much to hit you with, but I after 10 years of being caregiver to a depressed husband- this is what I have learned.
Take Care