Parents Went to Therapy/Update

So, first, I'll start by saying that my parents went to therapy today. I waited outside and when it was over, my therapist came out and told me that they knew more than I thought and that they were more open than I knew. She told me that my mom was my number 1 fan... not sure what that means exactly but.. She said they knew a lot more now so... I would assume she told them most everything. I told her to surprise me next session and she could tell me then instead of today. We havent talked about it... they havent said anything about what they talked about so... I'll find out later.

Anyways, she thinks that Im bipolar. And, I would agree. Today has been one of my down days, but I knew it was coming because the last week or so has been a high for me. I have been talking excessively, laughing and joking, feeling like nothing could stop me. Yesterday I started feeling mixed, high and low. And so I knew today was coming. A huge low. No talking, not really caring, no patience, which leads to anger and frustration easily. I have pretty much figured out my mood swings. I can kind of map it out. I know when I feel really high that it will be followed by a huge low. So, my moods are all over the place.

I have been struggling with it. It stinks to know and to feel these changes, but not be able to control them. I have a doc appt. June 4 to see the doctor. Hope he adds a mood stabilizer. Perhaps that would help. I dont know. I just dont want to be this way anymore.

I have returned to old ways, some of you will understand that. I have begun turning to meds, and not in the good way. So, things have changed and not for the better. I just keep opening different doors and none of them are right. They all hold harm. I will graduate in a week. Next Friday. And I want it to be exciting. I want it to be a new chapter in my life, not more of what it has already been.

Well, I could go on for a while. I have a lot to say. Just to keep myself away from other things. I want to say more, but I am in a mood I just dont want to do anything. I really do want to talk more about things, but I think I am just going to get in bed early instead. I am going to talk to my teacher about it some tomorrow because I told her last week about therapy and about my new "habit". And so, I want to talk to her about it. I am also going to pay my school counselor a visit because its been months since I talked to her about things and I want to tell her about therapy(she doesnt even know) and tell her that my parents went. And just ask for some advice and encouragement. I feel I can talk to her more now without the fear of her telling my parents, since they know now... so...

Glad its almost Friday. A few more days of school and thats it! Graduation is right around the corner! Thanks..

well done christi, on graduating and for understanding your condition better, seems some self actualisation is happening, and with your folks understanding your situation better. oh, do not assume anything.  otherwise keep with the therapy and your school counsellor. 

keep well, positive energy to you, jamie

Thanks guys!

Well, I sat outside yesterday thinking about it while they were in there with her...and I couldnt wrap my head around the idea of them knowing so much about me. I kept trying to imagine what she was saying to them. "She has cut herself in the past and is currently sturggling with pills. Etc..." I just couldnt imagine the looks on my parents faces. She came outside to invite me in and she said my parents took it well. I decided to wait and find out what she told them at my next session. I didnt want to discuss it with them.

It was a strange ride home. It felt kind of weird, yet relieving. We seemed okay. But, like, I was just trying to be myself and act like I wasnt thinking about it. They were probably doing the same thing. My dad said it was a relief for him because he had known so much more than my mom and he was glad that now she knew.

It was tense. And just strange.... Im not sure how I feel about them knowing. Kind of scared I think. They havent said what they thought and I dont know how they feel about everything so... I feel like I have to try harder now, like this was a disappointment and now I cant make it worse for them. I dont want to. But, I feel like its not my fault... I dont know. Its complicated. I really just want to act like it didnt take place and pretend that they still dont know.. its easier that way...

Well, Im going to try to talk to my teacher and counselor about it now. 2 more days of school and its over! I cant wait!