Not doing well at all

I really don't know where else to go. I was recently diagnosed last Oct. with an inoperable brain tumor, and became disabled through the surgery they gave me to get the biopsy. Then less than a month ago, my fiance suddenly passed away, leaving me alone. Every day all I can think of is joining him. I need something, but don't know what. I'm antidepressant resistant so that never worked. I'm just lost and grasping at strings.

ThousandSunny-go

Welcome to HealingWell and the Depression Forum.  I am so sorry to hear of your surgery and now the loss of a loved one.

I suspect you are grieving for your fiance as well as the bad outcome of your biopsy.  Both are losses for you.

I hope you have a good therapist. If not may I suggest that you consider therapy.  It has helped me so much.

Your life has come apart at the seems and the flood of emotions are bound to be very difficult for you to deal with. One thing that is very important in these trying times is a good support network. I am glad you found us as we are here to support you and help you through this tough time.

Please know it is ok to grieve in your own way and that there is not time line.  Come here and talk with us and we will stand beside you.

Again a warm welcome and please accept my sympathy at the loss of your fiance.

Gentle Hugs to you,

Kitt

Wow that was a bad introduction. I was in a really bad place when I wrote that. Basically, I am very overwhelmed by everything. I had to relearn how to feed myself, eat, dress and bathe myself, walk, everything after surgery. Then I got meningitis from it, and had to relearn how to walk all over again a few months later. My fiance was my hope and strength through everything, saying he didn't care what would happen to me, he loved me anyway and would marry me. Even though I would live a shortened life. People like that are rare, and he was so wonderful. I could meet any challenge with him by my side.

AH, I have to cut this much shorter since I'm off to see a movie with a friend.

In short, I had had plans. Get married, be a wife and mother, and well, that's pretty much a full-time thing. Now, all my plans are dust and not only am I alone, but I have no direction and can't see a future for myself. I sure don't want to get into another relationship again.

People who know me rarely ever saw me without a smile on my face, and tell me how amazing I am to overcome so much without getting bitter (I also was abused as a child and barely escaped from a bad marriage), and that I'm an example to others. So I feel I can't tell them that I'm actually really having trouble here. In fact, when I do try to mention it, I'm only told that I'm so amazing and the subject is dropped. So I clam up.

As for my happiness and cheerfulness that I seem to be known for, I try to do the things I used to love but it just doesn't do it for me anymore. My smiles are not so heartfelt, and are a lot shorter. I feel like I've changed. True, I've suffered with major clinical depression most of my life, but I had almost had it completely beat, until he died.

Therapy costs so much, and I'm dealing with the medical bills from so many hospital procedures and stays (most of the winter I was in the hospital or a rehab center). I'll keep trying but... a big part of me thinks it will make little difference.

Sunny

Dear Sunny,  I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for all that you have been through.  I can't imagine how difficult all this has been.  And I am so sorry to hear about your fiance. I know with him you could have faced many challenges. I feel bad that you have had to go through so many medical problems.  Are you in therapy?  Having a counselor to talk to might help. I see a therapist that is with a family service organization in my community and they have fees on a sliding scale so I only pay a small amount for counseling.I truly understand your depression as I am quite depressed now and suffer from terrible lonliness. At least you have a friend to go to the movies with and that should help. Can you claim hardship for your medical bills and get them reduced?  I have that type of plan where I am although I don't qualify for the reduced cost but I am on payment plans and I only pay the hospital and drs a small amount each month. Is that something that would be possible for you?  Also, do you have family near you to give you emotional support?  I know that sometimes families don't come through for us but I do hope you have some kind of suppport system.  You have been through a lot and you need to give yourself time to grieve.  Time is the healer of all wounds but there is no set time that it takes to ease the pain of losing someone so close. Is there a grief support group in your area that you can go to?  Often hospices have grief support groups and you don't have to have had a family member in hospice to go to the support groups, and they are free.  I think that might help you through some of hurt feelings.  Please know that this is a wonderful place to come for support. You will find many friends here. Post anytime you need to talk and someone will always answer you.  And I will always be glad to answer your posts.  Take good care of yourself. By the way, I know we all have plans and thoughts of how are lives will be.  But life is what happens while we are making plans.

Gentle hugs,

Aurora

Post Edited (Aurora60) : 5/22/2009 3:58:20 PM (GMT-6)

Sunny, please check out the following web site:
http://www.protons.com/

I know of someone who went there and his cancer was successfully treated with proton therapy. It's at Loma Linda University in California. You can call them to see if you'd be a candidate for their treatment.

The good thing is it doesn't burn tissue like radiation does. And can be done for seemingly hopeless cases.

Prayers and heartfelt wishes for your return to health.