Ime in love with my best friend but hes not gay i think

Hi everyone, ime nick, 17 nearly 18, umm all my life ive had to go through hard things that have led me to today, from this ime gay,

 i was attracted to one of my mates that i know is not gay, so i decided to move on from him, i felt no pain at all, i looked for a friend that i didnt find attracticive at all ( girls probly would but wasnt my type), moths moved on nd we became close mates stayed over each others house stuff like that, i was fine i had a guy friend tht i didnt find attractive,

 he was my best mate, but he started to make things sexual, he started saying i love you to me, a lot, nd it sorta changed the way i looked at him, he started to say nd do things that was gay, he said "what would you do if a close mate came on to you",

i became attracted to him, when hed stay over hed just sleep in his briefs and stuff at school   i learnt that thats just how he was, he was just doing it to be funny nd it hurt really bad, so i just got over him, well not just, it took a couple of moths, nd i just blocked the feelings out, even though he didnt stop being who he was. more months past nd we were out one day hanging, mum picks us up nd i find tht might sister had died in a car accident,

i was just missereable and heart broken, all my feeling i just couldnt keep inside i just cried, he stayed with me that night and looked after me help took it off my mind and i fell in love, but the same feelings wernt the same, all the barriers i had that stoped the feelings i had for him wouldnt come back, after parties he stay at my house lie in his briefs on my couch , i didnt know what to do, so i just kept all my feelings to myself, over the course of the years we were mates he didnt have a girl friend and it made me just want to cling on to something that just wasnt there. at another party i asked him at a party who would you see as your girl friend he said no one, i felt weird.

moving on to the past month, he started with this girl, because we are so close he tells me everything and he really loves her, i can try to move on and still be his friend, but when he comes over he says he loves me like 100 times and that he wants to be with me, but in a only joking way, i want to tell him i love him so i can just move on, but we are in all the same classes and we have the same friends, if i told him i might loose everyone i hold close to my heart, i just dont know what to do, ive just feel like sometimes it would be easier if i was dead.

Edit:  I broke your post into paragraphs for easier reading.  I did delete a couple of your comments per rule # 12.  Sorry.

12. If it shouldn’t be viewed by minors, then it shouldn’t be posted to the forums or chat rooms.  This is a public, family-friendly forum. In addition, if something would not be considered “work safe” (to a boss or co-worker), then it shouldn’t be posted.

Thank you in advance for your understanding.  My email is open if you have a question re edits.

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 5/30/2009 10:13:25 AM (GMT-6)

Nick, I am so frustrated because I just wrote a big long message with lots of great info...and my computer restarted! lol So, lets see if I can make this short and sweet and hit my main points....AGAIN!

Okay, first, Kitt mentioned a GREAT place. The Trevor helpline has helped many GLBT people, including myself. Yes, Im gay also. I am the same age as you are. The helpline also has an ajoining website that you might find useful and interesting. Its called trevorspace. If you dont already know this... But its basically the same thing as myspace only for GLBT peoples. I am on there myself and have met a ton of people. Since it is run my Trevor it is pretty safe and the helpline people are always standing by to help you out. Mine is unique_is_me09 if you decide to look it up.

Second, I know exactly how you feel. And I know you are not the only person who is in love with their best friend..trust me! lol I know alot of people who have the same problem. I had it once also but I decided by telling that person they would probably walk out of my life and I figured if I dismissed those feelings..then I could keep them in my life and I preferred it that way. I would rather forget how I feel and stay best friends then tell her.

Third, Im going to assume that he does not know that you are gay. A lot of guys tend to play around with there buddies like he is doing, but I would think if he knew he wouldnt do that. Like my friends who know, they mess around with me about it but its all in good fun..

Fourth, there are plenty of great guys out there! And one day you will find Mr Perfect! Trust me, I have been there, and your life is worth more than just a guy. I have hit rock bottom so many times that I am practically best friends with it! And let me tell you, harming yourself isnt going to help anything at all. I know the feeling. I know how hard things can be..and being gay only makes things 10x harder. But, your life is worth more than you think and I know you have people around you who care about you very much.

Okay, I cant think of what else I wrote the first time! lol Darn computer... but if you need to talk, Im here for you. I know exactly what you are going through and I will gladly help you out. Or just talk or whatever.

Here are a few good places to start:

Trevor Helpline-GLBT crisis and prevention
Trevorspace-myspace for GLBT people, lots of good info
YouthNoise-articles and blogs from people with the same problem(i am a featured blogger on the tolerance channel on this site and there is lots of good info that Im sure you would find helpful)

Like I said, Im here for you if you want to talk about it, anytime, you can email me if you want. Take care of yourself