unsure of what to do(Long post btw)

Hi im new, and i ran across this site and i think it can help in some ways.

I been dealing with chronic depression( which includes negative/suicidal thoughts) for 6 years now...started at 13, turning 19 in sept. i been in emotional pain for 10 years now...past childhood experiences. I been going to my counciler for 8 months now. I first started going b/c of a messy break up with my first gf...who was bi polar. She verbally, emotionally, and physically abused me during our 6 months relationship. i told him in april about my depression and how i hid it from my parents for 6 years now. eventually, he convinced me to tell my parents about my depression,etc. we tried figuring out the causes of my depression and he suggested i see a psychiatrist. i then found out i have chronic depression(dysthymia) and OCD and was put on celexa. i told him about she said i have dysthymia. he looked in the DSYM book and it said i have major depression.

i been suicidal(went far as planning it) a few times last few months....it made my counciler worried since i dont call him or tell my parents about it.  i just feel extremely guilty about my past. there has been days where i wished i were dead, i just feel so empty, lonely/worthless at times. part of me likes all of the nagative stuff....I have also punched myself in the face for four days last week out of anger, guilt, and self hatred. Its not the first time i did it. I been doing it through out the 6 months with my ex.....i also hit walls and stuff when im angry.

Questions:

Do i have chronic depression or major depression?

Is self injury a serious issue i should be concerned with?

How do i come out saying im a self injurier? how will i cope with the reactions?

I dont know what to do anymore....i feel lonely, guilty, worthless, i ruminate about the past often, i feel like im falling apart, felt its worth dying in the past, i have OCD and chronic or major depression,negative/suicidal thoughts, i deliberate self harm myself by punching myself and walls,etc i at times hide things from my counciler/parents. i feel like i have no future and i at times dont trust myself....

help

 

Post Edited (soccerocks) : 7/13/2009 2:23:28 AM (GMT-6)

Hi Soccerrocks,

Yes, I do think this warrents seeing a psychiatrist. There is help out there for you. Self abuse is very serious and punching walls is too. I think it is time that you get some help.

Coming here is good, you took a big step by admitting on the forum what you are doing. This is a good start. Though we aren't professionals by any means. We are jsut here for support.

I use to have the same problem. And with the help of medications, I got over it. So please see a psychiatrist and a counselor. You can over come this. I did.

Please keep posting,as we are here for you. I am sure that there are others who have gone through the same things that you are. You have a lot of bottled up emotions that need to come out.

If you have trouble talkeng to somebody about this, write these issues down and take the list with you when you talk to your pdoc or counselor.

Best wishes to you.

Hugs, Karen

I think I could be of some help to you. When I read your first post I was like "wow, thats me right there!" Anyways, I'll be 18 in 15 days actually. I have dealt with depression since I was around 12 or 13. It got more severe when I was 15. I am JUST like you, I hide it from my parents and didnt tell them until my therapist thought it was a good idea. She actually told them, I didnt. I also see a psychiatrist who thinks I have dysthymia... or perhaps borderline personality, he's not sure yet.

But I know EXACTLY how you feel. I feel sort of relieved actually about what you said involving self harm and such because most people dont understand it AT ALL. And I can totally agree with you. I punch the walls occasionally. And I have hit myself before, not recently. I am a cutter. I have done other things to harm myself as well and I tend to abuse drugs. These types of things are a serious problem and you should do something. (I should also take my own advice!) I have also been suicidal before. The thoughts cross my mind, but I dont feel that I am actually suicidal in that I would act on my thoughts. I think theres a difference between having suicidal thoughts and being suicidal. If that makes sense.

But, your post is like me 100%. Its not often you meet people who can so closely identify, but it is comforting to know that you arent alone and that your not the only one. But, you arent alone, I feel alot of the same things that you do. The past 2 weeks have been hard for me and at times I havent trusted myself and have really wanted to speak up and tell someone, but I am just so apt at hiding things because Im afraid of what people will think or how they will react. Even my therapist and psychiatrist... Im sure they deal with this all the time, but Im still afraid to talk to them about it.

Anyways, I had to reply to your post because of such similarities in how we feel and such. Perhaps we could talk sometime. Its usually easier to talk to someone who actually understands what your going through and how you feel as opposed to someone who has never experienced the same things. If you want, you can email me or whatever if you ever want to talk about it, or anything else, whatever! Perhaps we could help each other, seeing as we both seem to hide everthing from everyone!

But, anyways, its always nice to meet someone who can understand. My email is on my profile but you can also find me on myspace (myspace.com/wilson_gal22) or facebook (facebook.com/cmwhite09) Oh yea, and one more thing... soccer does rock =)

Dear Soccerocks-
I also have had severe depression and OCD. I think coping is different for everyone, but one thing I know is you need support. It is great that you joined this forum. It is also great you are seeing doctors. I would suggest telling your parents. My parents have been vital in my healing and recovery. Even if their response isn't the best, at least they know and can make an attempt to understand where you are coming from and be in the loop about your health.
I also ruminated and felt guilty about the past. It was a huge struggle- With OCD and depression I had to drop out of college. My advice is to focus on the positives and who you want to be. Hurting yourself and focusing on negative things will not help at all (even though I know some of it is involuntary thinking). What honestly helped me was my faith, and understanding that through Christ I was forgiven of my past sins and that I was loved beyond understanding. I met weekly with my minister for a long time and memorized positive scripture. I don't know if this is something you would want to do, but it helped me so I thought I'd share. Let me know if there is anything I can help you with.