It`s not getting any easier( JUST NEED TO GET IT OUT )

For a while now i have stayed away from here just because i don`t know what to say anymore .I`m fighting within myself just to stay here and as the days pass by it just seem to be getting much harder.

I am seeing a psychologist when ever i am able ( with so many specialist appointments i have missed many ) one day i even travelled 600km round trip just to talk to her as it had been a couple of months since i had seen her and i really needed to talk to someone .

I know all the cancer treatments have taken a heavy toll and i`m not frightened of it as i am of the way i`m feeling inside .I can`t express it to anyone i don`t know how to even describe it  i just know it`s there and getting worse.I can`t talk to the gp here as i have lost faith in him with other issues and i really don`t feel confident enough to talk to anyone else .

I am on strong pain relief but that in itself is causing so many more problems ,nausea,vomiting and atleast twice a week severe migraines there just does not seem any relief for the pain .

Most nights i have three to four hours sleep some nights i just lie there but then others i get up and iron or just play games on the computer to pass the time .

I have stopped doing a lot of things and often wonder if i will ever do them again .I just have lost the get up and go to do anything .

Last visit to the psychologist i told her of the visions i have when driving and she is concerned i`m not that worried as i have been having them for a while now but they are increasing and it`s only when i`m on my way back home from being away .Which i suppose has been a lot over the past six months i just seem to be forever going from one specialist to another .

Snowflake .

Hi Snowflake,

It is wonderful to hear from you, but I am sorry that things are going the way that they are. Are you going to have any cancer treatments soon? Have they decided on what kind of treatment that you are going to have? I know that this is so difficult for you to endure. Know that we are all thinking of you and praying for you.

A walk would be nice for you. What is the weather like there? Is it hot? Walking does seem to give us peace of mind and I always feel better afterwards. Maybe some meditation would be in order. Something to clear your head. Maybe distract you from your pain.

I wish I could do something to make this all better for you. It is not fun to see somebody that you care about suffer. But know that I am thinking of you and saying prayers for you.

I hope that your day gets better my friend.

Hugs, Karen

Hello,

I am so sorry to hear your pain. I have not read any of your previous posts, so I assumed you are a cancer patient? If I'm wrong, I'm terribly sorry.
I know you must hear this a lot, but please try to stay positive. As I read your post, my eyes filled with tears. I'm sure the pain you're in really is indescribable, but I feel for you. I understand what it's like to feel no one understands or that no one can help.

I'm always unhappy. Even when I'm happy. I suffer from anxiety and depression, and no one will ever understand how I feel about life. You need to know that there ARE people here to support you, and you just need to keep moving forward without looking back. Perhaps you can look into a psychologist/ therapist closer to home? You must be busy with the doctors, but you need to do what needs to be done. Just remember that one day you will shine. You just need to keep truckin' through the appointments now, and know that you are a strong and wonderful person who deserves the best life has to offer.

Thanks all , I just don`t get to come in here very often now just don`t get any privacey at home .Am at my inlaws for a few days am having more tests for ovarian cancer now if it`s not one thing its something else .
Saw the surgeon who removed the cancer from my nose and i was not happy with what he had to say ,i wanted to have the repair surgery done so i can just move on but he said no not until it totally collapses so i have to put up with this until goodness knows when .The other news is that this is as good as its going to get it will not heal completely and therefore i will be living on the morphine ,endone and oxycotin for a good time to come it`s already been months now .simply wonderful outlook not only to take them but to also take other medications to conteract the side effects of those already mention .
while driving up here today i ran off the road three times scared the living daylights out of me ,my mind keeps on wondering and i keep on seeing visions of my car crashed into trees .I think i`m totally loosing it . i know i do not want to be at home anymore and the thought of going back on friday is frightening indeed .
I was unable to see my psychologist as the airport was frooged in and the flying dr service was unable to take off let alone to get out here .my next appointment if she can make it will be the end of the month .
After being away last week seeing the surgeon i returned home to find my daughter had been through all my things again .it`s such a degrading feeling in a way similar to being raped nothing is your own .I told hubby i was so p***** off at whay she does it al the time but he said and did nothing for me i have had enough .what do i do .
i`m going to sleep now as the morphine and sleeping tablets have finally taken hold .
talk again soon .
Snowflake

Dear Snowflake,

Hello my friend.  I am sorry I am slow getting to this but I was without Internet service for over 24 hours due to storms in our area.

You know I am always here to support you and I think your coming here and being able to vent and share your feelings is a good thing.

I am sorry you are going through testing for ovarian cancer. Have you had blood work and do you know what your CA-125 test is?  You may remember my sister had ovarian cancer so if you have any questions, I will sure do my best to find or give you  the answers. You can always email me.

Please take care and be good to yourself.  Tell others you need your computer time and to just bugger off.  :)  It is ok to be selfish when your feeling down and out...........you are important so put yourself first.

I wish you peace,

Kitt

Hi there, i`m still here only just coming over yesterday i ran off the road just letting things get to me and not thinking of what i am doing .it happens a lot lately .
Karen how is the work going it must be good to be able to get out for a bit and take your mind off things.As for my daughter i have no idea what makes her tick and now i really do not care as i told my mother in law today one of us are going and i don`t care which one .Even mentioned my plans to the psychologist the other day it shocked her as she was not even expecting it .
Kitt i will get the results of the tests on wednesday had them done a while ago and had to wait until the ultra sounds were done today i colect their results on wednesday aslo so will know by then .Had some bad news from my youngest sister today she has ovarian cancer they found a massive tumor so not looking good no matter what way you look at it .
I hate cancer just cringe at the sound of the word these days .
Thanks for the help kitt it may need it .
Jamiee i`m still here sort of not calling this much of a life living on pain killers and just wishing for the days to end .Not impressed with the drs and their decisions but there is not much more i can do as long as they supply the pain meds i will use them . I have seen so many drs and nooone can tell me where it`s all heading but deep down i know .one day at a time .
Snowflake

kitt it scared the living daylights out of me i actually called someone to talk to as i could not drive on for a while .i didn`t tell hubby about it as i know he would not let me drive i just told him it took me longer to get up there as i was tired and needed a break .Without the encouraagement from this friend i would probably still be sitting htere .
snowflake

Hi Snowflake,

This all sounds so overwhelming to me right now. I can only imagine how you are feeling. I am praying for you.

It is so hard to find the right words right now. Just know that I am thinking of you and praying for you.

Work is okay. I am only working a couple of days a week right now, so I have more time for the forum. I get tired easy so the two days is enough. I told the manager that I could handle three if she needed me. But the summer has gone by so fast and I would like to enjoy the autumn. We all know what comes after that. Not looking forward to winter at all.

I hope that you are feeling better. I know that this is hard for you. I am sorry to hear about your sister. But worried about you at this time. You are a speical person and I hate to see you suffer so.

Please keep posting when you feel up to it. I hope that your daughter backs off and gives you some privacy. It just sounds so selfish of her to be going through your things especially now. I hope that she can realize what is going on and give you a break. I can see where this is very frustrating for you. And for good reason.

I pray that you have a good day today. Or night, which it probably is there.

Take care my dear friend. email me if you would like to.

Luv and hugs, Karen

Please drive carefully. I wonder if you need something to keep you alert. Maybe some adderall or something. I would talk to the doctor about that. I am worried about you. I fell asleep driving once. It scared the hell out of me. I was on the expressway. I woke up when I hit a reflector pole and it took my mirror out. Luckily I woke up because there was a gully there, I would have rolled it.

I know that you are tired, so i will keep this kind of short. I hope that you are feeling better today. I am glad that you are able to stay at your inlaws. I am sure you are much more relaxed there. I wish that your husband were there to take you places.

Take care snowflake. keep in touch.

Luv and hugs, Karen

Hi My Dear Snowflake,

Knitting the beanies is cool. I am glad that you are able to do that. It must make you feel so good. I know it would me. I am not much of a knitter, but I like to crochet. My sister gave me an infinity scarf. For winter. It is all one piece sewed together and twisted. It is 51 stitches accrossed. I am not sure of the length, but if you make one, you can see how much you need. It alwo works as a hood if you put it on your head. I guess it is called infinity because of the shape of it , kind of like an eight.

You sound better today, I am glad that you got rid of your headache. My late husband use to get a headache from the morphine. I guess he couldn't understand how a pain killer could give you a headache but I guess that they can sometimes. Though yours probably comes from your surgery.

Let us know when you get results form your ovarian scan. I hope that everything is okay. You have so much to deal with now. I am still praying for you and thinking about you. You are a special friend, and I don't want you to suffer anymore. I really feel for you Snowflake.

I hope that you are able to water your flowers. I threw some purple cone flower seed around last year and some come up for me. I really enjoy them. I have a lot of gloriosa daisies that reseed every year. They are pretty.

I hope that your day/night is going well for you. As I say, I think of you often. I am glad that you are feeling up to posting.

Luv and hugs, Karen

Hi Snowflake,

I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I hope that this is nothing serious. But, if it is, you will get through this. We are all here to support you through this difficult time.

It is honestly hard to find the words to say. I want to wave a magic wand and make it all better but I can't. I will keep praying for you.

I wish there was something tactful that I could say to make it all better for you. But I am at a loss for the right words. Just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. And I am hoping everything will be alright.

You have had so much to deal with, this just doesn't seem fair to me. I hope that something good happens to take your mind off of all of this. Again, I am so sorry.

Know that I am thinking of you. Email me at any time.

Much love and hugs, Karen

Snowflake,

 

Hello and so good to hear from you.  Even though you have so much on your plate it is always fun to read about your herd of animals  :)

 

Coffee ,Tea and Milk and now cuppachino, you can still use Latte'  LOL.  I can just picture your little one.

Any roos in the area lately?

I can understand your wanting a break from all the Doctors and I think that is a good idea as long as you put a time limit on how long your break will be.  Don't just quit your Doctors and therapy.  I sure do understand the waiting for results from you sister's surgery.  My sisters path report took forever.  I will hold you both in my prayers.

Do know we are here for you and even if you just need to vent a bit do just pop in whenever you have the time.  Remember to make time for yourself.  You are a very important person.

Lots of Hugs,

Kitt

Karen,

I hope you are not working to hard.  I have my first shifts next Thursday and Friday.

Take care of youself and know we are all here for you too.

Hugs
Kitt