It`s not getting any easier( JUST NEED TO GET IT OUT )

I admire you two ladies so much to go through what you do and now both out working .
I often think about going to look for some part time work but am not sure i can cope with it ,getting out of my home would be great but then only returning to such a mess as i do each time i visit the drs only makes me feel worse .Infact that is the reason why i have been having the thoughts i can`t mention in here and it`s because deep down i don`t want to come back .

Kitt having a break from the drs is what i`m going to be doing i know that now both of them want major surgery and i don`t not now ,I know it sounds so selfesh but things have changed within myself the way i feel about a lot of things and most of them i don`t like .I will still see my psychologist when she is available but even she is questioning a lot of what i`m telling her and i just see she does not have the answers as to how i can deal with things ,as for instance when i saw her last time one of my major concerns was about my youngest who turned 18 a few months ago . I found on the computer where he had been talking to a young friend and he was really depressed .I asked her how do i approach this with him and as i know he would not talk to a councilor as he even said it in this conversation to his friend .I mentioned how if he spoke to the school councilor how the other kids would go on at school thats why noone sees them .I would not even be bothered talking to the gp here he just has no tack whatso ever .Yet here she is a psychologist and has no answers for me .I did tell hubby one evening so he has been trying to spend a bit more time with him .
I just feel as though i have lost everything atm i put it down to what has happened but that really is no excuse ,
Yes we do have a Joey here but not because i want ed it here my daughter took it in when i was away seeing drs but i have not had anything to do with it as my heart is just not in it anymore he lives up in the yard with the goats but will be going to live out bush in hte next week or so .As for the snake she is alive and well we actually had to help remove her shedding skin last week as it was stuck on her eye pretty hair raising stuff but we survived with no holes in us and one happy snake in the end .If i knew how to post pictures i would show you them .
Time to peg out the washing have been up since four i couldn`t sleep so thought i would get it out of the way .
Take care and don`t work too hard .
Hugs Snowflake

Dear Snowflake,

I am so sorry you are feeling so down and tired.  You know coming here and posting makes you feel better so please remember to vent here whenever you need to.

Your hubby is not going to change and I know this feels so sad and unfair to you but right now I would really like to see you take care of yourself.

I understand so well the bursting into tears for no reason other then that feeling of incredible sadness.  For me, I have chosen to go back on my Antidepressant med that I weaned off of last spring but at a low dose.

I gave it a good try but now I feel the shell cracking and I refuse to wait until I am completely in melt down mode before swallowing my pride and admitting that I need to be on medication.

I gave it a good try.

Thanks for the comments re working although things are a bit rocky right now I did make it to my first 2 assignments.  I have given myself permission to do the best I can and not beat myself up if I feel inadequate .......now if I could only practice what I preach.

It may help you to find a very casual job, one that you can try and if it does not meet your expectations then you can just walk away without regrets.  :)

Take care and thinking of you,

Kitt

healings to you snowflake. hoping you feel better soon. here for you. with compassion. jamie. ps keep strong.