My Story

Loving Husband said...
Well a very uneventful day. I feel very beatup. I think cause I am doing it to myself inside. If this what depression feels like I can understand the hoplesness. I have been told by a number of people including family I am being abused mentally. It might be taking its toll on me after so many years.. Though I hope tonight goes quiet. Staying quiet doesn't feel right. I feel like I should be doing/saying something to win her back..

I know that staying quiet is not the best you feel you can do, but honestly they like doing it, unless you ask for something and they start to shout. i have just come back from a 6 day vacation with my husband. the first days were really bad. he wanted to leave me in a foreign country so that we could split up sooner. he was also phisically violent and i was ashamed to wear my bathing suite afterwards. the last days i talk to him and he described his thoughts. when i do not want anything it is super ok. if i want him anything, love or attention he goes crazy. honestly i do not know how much i can resist. and i don t have money for counselling....

Well no sleep last night. I keep waking up and getting close to wife. Last night she in her sleep returned the feelings. She spooned me and also sissored me. It was nice to see her get close to me. Even if it was in her subcoucious.. I believe that is truely how somebody feels as they can't control their actions sleeping but she knows I am next to her.

As she was getting ready today I told her about her getting close to me and she just looked at me..  I said you know how I feel about it.  That it's your true feelings without anything in front.   Downstairs getting ready I mentioned  that our 15 year is a month away and I really hope its not like our 10th which is what happened last time where we were not together.  I then said I wonder where our marriage today wouldbe without our son born. She said don't blame this on him.  I said I amnot but it added to it. She said you can't just keep beating somebody down and expect them to come back. Now my wife means by the help I was looking for and the way I communicated to her she took it as I was beating down on her when I think it was life overcoming us.  I also mentioned that the counsellor will help us communicate that better so I don't make you feel that way.  She asked if thats what I expected and I said I didnt.  Yet if she can teach me to better communicate you so I don't make you feel this way I will do whatever it takes.  I mentioned my jobs hours/days will be changing.  They were accomidating me to have off Mon-Tue to watch son.  Now I will rotate.  Told her that and she brought up her friend who watched our son in a daycare service might be doing it again in Dec.  Again showing future times with me in this house..  I think that is so positive.  BTW last night before I went to bed I said good night and I miss you.  She told me I don't have to hide upstairs since this is my house too but I think I need to in order to keep relationship talk to a min..  I hope I am doing right and I hope she sees that I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this better then ever..

Post Edited (Loving Husband) : 8/13/2009 6:07:20 AM (GMT-6)

ile said...

Loving Husband said...
Well no sleep last night. I keep waking up and getting close to wife. Last night she in her sleep returned the feelings. She spooned me and also sissored me. It was nice to see her get close to me. Even if it was in her subcoucious.. I believe that is truely how somebody feels as they can't control their actions sleeping but she knows I am next to her.

As she was getting ready today I told her about her getting close to me and she just looked at me..  I said you know how I feel about it.  That it's your true feelings without anything in front.   Downstairs getting ready I mentioned  that our 15 year is a month away and I really hope its not like our 10th which is what happened last time where we were not together.  I then said I wonder where our marriage today wouldbe without our son born. She said don't blame this on him.  I said I amnot but it added to it. She said you can't just keep beating somebody down and expect them to come back. Now my wife means by the help I was looking for and the way I communicated to her she took it as I was beating down on her when I think it was life overcoming us.  I also mentioned that the counsellor will help us communicate that better so I don't make you feel that way.  She asked if thats what I expected and I said I didnt.  Yet if she can teach me to better communicate you so I don't make you feel this way I will do whatever it takes.  I mentioned my jobs hours/days will be changing.  They were accomidating me to have off Mon-Tue to watch son.  Now I will rotate.  Told her that and she brought up her friend who watched our son in a daycare service might be doing it again in Dec.  Again showing future times with me in this house..  I think that is so positive.  BTW last night before I went to bed I said good night and I miss you.  She told me I don't have to hide upstairs since this is my house too but I think I need to in order to keep relationship talk to a min..  I hope I am doing right and I hope she sees that I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this better then ever..

Hi Loving husband,

I tested on myself with this true personality of his when he sleeps. it feels real good, isn t it? it is the same with my husband with this so called "Beating down". I have one question to you since i am new on this forum. why did you choose to sleep separately? i m asking you that and if you wife react negativly to your moving up stairs.

I aprove to you that your child kind of save your marriage till now, but it is your power that lead you to this point. I hope the children do not suffer too much.

Byee

Byee,

We are not sleeping seperate.  Other then 1 or 2 nights my wife has slept in same bed..  Like I said our current situation is exactly like normal except for no closeness.  No hugs/kisses/affection of any kind.  Just exsisting.  I pointed out the bedroom spooning to her cause I wanted her to realize I see her feelings for me..  I can tell that even though she is very mad and numb that she has desire for me still.  I guess just a way of holding onto hope that she will come around through the MC..  I did mention to let the past be the past and move forward. Yet she didn't respond positively to me..  At least yet..  I don't think my children saved my marriage but it is making my wife hesitate on leaving..  She knows we have 2 fragile minds in play and she has to make sure if she leaves it is better.  Though I know given our situation it isn't..  I think she does too deep down.. She is just being a little selfish right now by letting her emotions over run her instead of facing the problems to make them better.  Once again I hope the MC can help there. 

No I'm sorry cause your doing great for non native tongue. I am sure karen is tired of posting on my thread :). I guess cause I constantly over think. Yet it makes me feel better and karen helps from women side. With your situation no kids it will make it worse. Resolve problems first or they will build later. Sleep in separate bedrooms cause you want to not to punish. Good luck

LH, I have some things you might want to think about . First of all please realize that your wife might be having some illness issues due to having been prego and how this affects one’s entire being.   These periods seems to correlate with a child she gave birth to being in toddlerhood, so I humbly submit that it might be body chemistry changes.   Perhaps she might be flat out sick and tired.   It is hard to be communicate effectively if one is too sick, tired, and in pain to really talk.   You said she just needs to give son some milk in the evening, is she still breast feeding him?   This might be too draining on her to do and work.   They say it takes an average of about 3 years to completely recover from birth,   it might be taking her a lot longer because she is in such a dark place.   Second, given how young she was when ya’ll got involved it might have affected her growth as an individual (I actually think this might be a problem for both you for different reasons), because there really are skills/ experiences that one only gets to develop when one has been on their own.   There is a big difference and a lot of maturing that goes on in between 16 and 20 years old.   I am saying this so you know that it is very common for people who were ya’ll ages to have problems with marriages, because there was not space enough to develop as a individuals before you became a couple.     That might be why she is in your words seeming like she is “regressing,” when really she did not get to go thru that stage in the first place.   So I wonder if you both would benefit from individual sessions, in addition to marriage counseling. Most women do suffer from low self esteem, because our society does have a tendency to give women a rough time (check this out if you really do wonder why your wife feels bad about herself (especially about her body):   http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1993368502337678412 ).   So hearing anything but positive comments is something that she will remember forever, especially coming from someone significant in her life.   But to help neutralize the hurt that was inflicted will take a lot of apologies, and sarcasm will worsen the situation.   Somewhere in her heart is still that hurt little girl who lost her Dad, and needs some unconditional positive regard sometimes (especially when it comes to how her husband looks at her).   Can you hear her hurt?     Given that she lost her father at age 8, the same age that most girls start losing self esteem anyway, she did not have a male role model in her life that told her she is beautiful to counteract all that society and biological changes.   She went thru that hurt alone, and it continues to this day.   I am wondering what the background is on her “co-dependence.” In all honesty it sounds a lot like bereavement to me.   But that sounds like something to address in her own individual sessions, because she might not feel safe enough. I kinda wonder about your statement “ She was wonderful trying to make me happy and I was loving the fact that I found a women who wanted to”, because while it is wonderful if ya’ll are trying to help one another be happy and it is a mutual thing, but this does not acknowledge that happiness is also an internal thing. Perhaps it might be time to renegotiate what family decision making steps there are because it sounds and I maybe wrong here that you are tired of making all the decision and resent that, and maybe she is tired and resentful that you make all the decision and that she does not feel empowered to make those decisions, because it sounds a little like parent/child rather than partners (this is something a licensed marriage counselor can do). It is not that your wife is too weak to confront you about the marriage, it is that she has not been empowered to do it in a SAFE space.   Given that this sounds like a mutually verbal abusive situation (you said you both explode), I think it might be a good idea for ya’ll to have individual and couples sessions. I want to reiterate child will not and should not be used to fix problems, let alone developmental relationship problems.   That is not their job.   In fact they should be kept away from the arguing and conflict, because it does damage them.   I think because they are already here you might want to address what your expectations for your life is in your own individual session, and then eventually address them in your marriage counseling sessions.   I am a little confused about the job situation for both of you.   Whatever it is it does sound like a unaddressed source of conflict and that is something that needs to be addressed in counseling.   In fact that is something I strongly encourage individual counseling, before addressing it joint sessions.   Perhaps I am reading this wrong, but sound like defining and negotiating what ya’lls roles and expectations are at home could benefit from both individual and joint sessions. Perhaps she wants to be numb, because she does not want to deal with the pain she is in.   She sounds a bit overwhelmed and it is really hard to see shore when one is hit with one wave of pain after another hitting you.   One can understand why she wants to drink, because she cannot see a way out of the dark abyss.   You cannot tell her what to do.   I think that is something she is going to have to work out on her own. I am not saying that it is ok that anyone take their pain out on someone else, but perhaps it might help to suggest to her that there is a lot going on and she seems a bit overwhelmed and in pain and ask her opinion on what you can do to help her.   It is not a “logical” conversation it is an emotional conversation.   In fact, logic is not really part of relationships. You already know you are in pain (you said you feel beat up) and so you know that you need to do to help yourself feel better.    One on one therapy can really help you figure out how to see and stay in the sun, and maybe it might help you help her into the sun. In the meantime it might help for you to ask the question of how can I help?   It also might be helpful to instead of exploding, you could gently request (in a non sarcastic way) “honey I would really love to have your help” and really positively reinforce that. Exploding is really not going to help anything and in fact is probably creating a false sense of security, to affirm that ya’ll still want another, which is Not I repeat NOT a healthy display of affection.   Plus it does give you both the excuse to leave the relationship, because no one wants to live with that kind of hostility. I think it is pretty obvious that your wife does not feel safe enough to speak her truth, and is overwhelmed with level of stress and maybe pain in her life.   This is no one’s fault, but it is her responsibility to help herself.   Maybe eventually she might allow you to advocate for her, but right you need to focus on taking care of yourself.    I strongly recommend that you do not speak with your family about the issues you and your wife are having.   This is what professional counselors are for. I think the main thing you need to work right now is getting yourself in a good place. You seem like you are in a lot of pain.   Maybe she will see the change in you and that might inspire her.   But inspire is all you can do.

I absolutely do not endorse putting your foot down, because that implies an improper balence of power in the relationship. How in the world can either one of you be safe in a space that one has more power then another?

This might be something that is ok with someone who is in an older generation. But from the outside that looks really questionable in today's society.   
I get what snowlynn is saying, but I respectfully think that is N O T a good idea in this situation.

I think the main thing is get help for yourself right now.  You cannot really change another person.

MMMNAVY


You provide some great points.. Some of which I already thought about. The PPD and the youth comment. I read a book from Johnathan Gray. How to get what you want and want what you have. It talked abot that if women marry young and fail to go through the "sowing the oats" years they tend to have future issues older.

As for the Co-dependance I saw it growing up with her and the fact when she was in councseling younger years she mentioned to me that they diagnosed her with it.. I saw it as through our dating years she always did what I wanted and never offered.. I should have picked up on it then..

With the pain I think I can see it. She is numb cause its hit a boiling point. I think her venting on the next MC meeting will help with it. I only hope the MC helps her move on.. As this is her only reason not to try this.. I have told her in the past when we go let it out. Since our issues are combined why not start together and fix this the right way with professional help. Something we NEVER did.. I really believe this will be better if I can learn :)..


I think she has been overwhelmed since the baby. It got a lot tougher and with no outlet for herself.. As she told me she is 35 and she isn't going to waste one more year not living. She is trapped in this house cause of our 2 kids. I sense my wife wants this to be better but doesn't think it will.. I see it in her eyes and her words. She doesn't trust it will change. I am hoping the MC can help me treat her better.. I am hoping I learn something. I also hope she does. She played a big part in our issues and all I hope is for her to do the part she was supposed to do.. Which is work on improving us..

Once again thanks for the words. I like them as real as they come. I am not perfect but I am not evil like my wife thinks...

MMMNAVY,

I will consider it for myself after a few sessions of MC.. I know she has no interest in herself going. She has a fear of them. I think cause she is afraid of what they might bring up.. Pain and old memories..

Last night was pretty quiet again. I did come down just before bed and ask her about FB and why shes on so much and why she seems to be secretive. She said this is her only social out since she says shes trapped in house. I understand. 2 kids and can't go any where. I don't have a problem with it. Also she said she doesn't want me coming down and reading a chat log and geting part of its conversation just to have to explain it to me.. I know what she means but at times its a little funny.. My whole issue is FB is consuming her. Avoiding her children and just being on FB. Sure she knows how to get son ready for bed.. Change diaper.. Give bottle.. Daughter she just tells her to brush teeth and go to bed.. I go to bed after. 1:am. I wake up cause she isn't next to me. I come down and she is still sitting there. Now she has had 2-3 beers to try and get tired. We did have a little relationship talk. She said she was going to the 5 sessions but she let out a little of her anger inside that has bothered her over the years. I think this is a little bit of what Tue is going to be like. She said its bothered her that I am a flirt. Now I don't even know I do it but evidently I must be naturally that way. She wants that from me. She said she feels like after we were married I put her in this hole and left her there. I guess she means I stopped flirting with her. I kept saying I am sorry and I know if I made you feel that way it wasn't right. She brought up something from like 12 years ago. When we were first married and our first computer in 96-97 area. She said I was Sex texting. Though I can honestly say I don't remember. She said it doesn't bother her but here is another issue of her feeling a certain way and I had no clue.. Just like how I made her feel unwanted. I didn't know.. I mentioned to her about the MC and our relationship. I said the MC is going to hit me hard I feel. She started to laugh. I told her I want to be hit with the truth. I also will go until she said I no longer have too.. That I will make the changes I need to give you what your looking for.. I also stressed that this isn't a situation where I cheated on you and hurt you to the core. We both caused this problem over the years and we both need to and work on bettering ourselves. One person shouldn't be able to end this. I said if we go to MC and we still can't see eye to eye then I will be more then happy to move on. At least we said we tried.. This is our FIRST real help in our marriage. Have to give it a shot. She continued to say she will go to the 5 sessions at least. Yet she did say she wasn't going to invest 6 months in it. Though I have a feeling if we start to move forward by session 5 she will continue...

Last night almost ZERO sleep. As I said she didn't go to bed until late.. Like 1:30.. She came up and I was able to put my hand on her thigh when she was awake.. A PLUS!!!! Any way I had a hard time falling asleep. She didn't though and slept all through night. I was up constantly from 1-4. She once again spooned me and sissored me. It felt nice having her hold me in her sleep and held her.. I really do miss that. I mentioned to her again this morning about it and she said I can't control it. I just told her its really nice to see and feel her. She knows ow I feel about that. The subconcious I feel is a more true expression of onces feelings then the councious because when your awake you can hide those feelings. When your asleep you can't.. Plus she knew I am in bed with her so it can only be me. Either way in her sleep she is wanting to get closer. How do I get around the trust issues?? She sees how much I care and how hard I am trying but one thing she keeps telling me is she can't trust me what I say will is true or wil be better.. I mentioned over time through the MC she will see it.. I guess that one is going to require a lot of time. I hope this isn't a big drinking weekend and long hours on FB. Though I think it will be.. She won't do anything with kids and I have to work this weekend.. Thanks for everything Guys....

Mmmnavy I am not avoiding only letting current mc tell me if she says she wants to see me by myself I will.

We are using my work provided assistance and its a licensed mc. If she tells me mike I want you to see anther person I will. I let her see first tue. I have noproblem with going just want her to see where I am first