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Posted 8/15/2009 11:41 AM (GMT 0)
Hello Community

I'd like to introduce myself. This group looks like a vibrant supportive environment and I feel I need to be able to talk to those who are going through similar experiences.
I have been struggling with depression for most of my adult life, I am 48 years old now. It was not diagnosed until about five years ago, when I sought help for alcohol abuse, I had been using the drink to self medicate against the symptoms of the depression. Since then I feel like I have been on a roller coaster of medication, therapies, and emotional distress. Things got so bad that I have had to take a leave from work, and am adjusting, going from crazy work pace to nothing to do. You can imagine what this has done to my self esteem. I am also an artist, I paint in oils. To fill the time I have been trying to work on my paintings but I can't seem to concentrate, and feel overwhelmed by the task. All this weakness makes me feel embarrassed and worthless.
My wife is very supportive, I can't stop feeling ashamed that I am such a burden to her. This past couple of weeks have been more difficult than usual, summers are strangely worse for me. I find myself alone this weekend and feel the need to reach out. All the advice I have been reading tells that maintaining relationships is important, feelings of shame keeps me from seeing my friends, I am tired of talking about my mood disorder.
From what I have read, they say depression is treatable. My experience is contrary. Does anyone in the forum feel as if their treatment has worked, or is this a condition that can only be managed? I am looking for a ray of hope to continue fighting, for right now I am feeling hopelss.

Thanks

SL
Posted 8/15/2009 10:16 PM (GMT 0)
SL,
Welcome! I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling with everything going on right now. Summers can sometimes be hard for me too since my schedule changes & it often vary chaotic -- friends go on vacation, weekday church groups take a break from meeting for the summer & most of all, other people seem happier which can just make me feel even more out of place. So know you are not alone in feeling like that.

I do want to encourage you to keep trying different treatments for your depression. It took me quite some time to find a good treatment regime, but I eventually did. My life is not perfect & all happy all the time, but it is much, much better than before. I used to be miserable every day, all the time. Now I have a decent number of days where I am actually happy & more often than not, I am at least neutral -- neither happy nor depressed. So it is possible. I think, based on my experience, that there isn't usually a "cure" for depression, but by getting treated, changing thoughts/behaviors & seeking support, depression can be "managed", as you say, so that you don't feel depressed all the time & so that when you do feel depressed there are ways to move out of the depression and back into happier times, rather than remaining stuck feeling more & more negative every day.

I hope that helps. Know that you have a lot to offer this world. I love oil paintings -- and art in general. It brings so much beauty into the world & holds much power to change people's perception of the world. I think that even "sad" paintings can have a lot of value, though perhaps it is to taxing on the artist to have to remain in that emotional state for long periods at a time.

I'm not an artist, but I know some people are helped by trying a new art to express their emotions. Maybe that is something you could try. Sculpting, woodworking, stitching/needle crafts, etc. may be different enough that you don't have to worry about the end product as much as the process of sending out your emotions into your art. Letting go of your emotions that way can be very healing (I have really benefited a lot from art therapy, myself), but getting caught up in how things look can destroy any possible benefit. A good friend of mine did that (she worked mostly in collages, & some in watercolors) -- switching to sculpture just to get her emotions out. She found that her "artist's block" was cured & after the started to heal, her collages took on a new, fascinating quality that incorporated some of what she had learned practicing sculpture.

Anyways, it's just an idea. I'm sure you have some wonderful ideas of your own about how to get the negativity out of your soul to make room for all the beauty & blessings that surround us in the world. It is possible to break out of the depression for periods of time & I can tell you that even though things are not perfect all the time, it is well worth it to even have what times you can have feeling happier & like things are mostly right with the world.

Let us know how things go as you keep fighting against the depression. I know I have really benefited from all the supportive members here. Many of them do not post on the weekend, but I'm sure they will be along come Monday to welcome you to our community.

take care & have a peaceful weekend,
Frances
Posted 8/16/2009 10:11 AM (GMT 0)
hi sl, (artsy). i am jamie, 37, male and living with depression, along with many variants and other complex psychiatric treatments for the majority of my life. for some, alike me, it is management, much has happened in the past. much. but, for me the best treatment for me is management. seeing my doc and advising people of good and bad days, etc. i have been on th merry go round of treatments, and i always will, albeit a positive attitude with a good understanding of my conditions has now made it that life is once again for the living with some sweets included!!!

i am me, yes i live with mdd and severe borderline personality disorder, but i am not these, this is one small element of me!! i am back at school, 2 lots, working on other medical issues, whilst being me. yeah tired, but the good tired, have good and bad days, so does all people!! mental illness is a medical condition(s) so alike any other, me t1 diabetes, you manage it, so with depression. i wish you well. be you, push those barriers hard and fight, i am in ya corner. we care. with loving compassion. jamie

Posted 8/17/2009 5:19 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there,

I am an artist too. I paint with acrylics. But I find that I paint more when depressed.

I have been taking some good medications for a while and they have helped me to not be depressed. I hope that you find what is right for you.

I am currently taking effexor, xanax and abilify. The combination works well for me.

Please keep posting as we are all here for you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 8/17/2009 11:44 PM (GMT 0)

HI! lovely to meet you, sorry about the circumstance, but everyone here is super supportive and understanding. Just wanted to welcome you- im also 'arty'! Im a high school teacher with a degree in Visual Arts and Graphic Design. I do darkroom photography and mixed media pieces. I love oil pastels as well.

Welcome and I hope you hang around,

Maz XX

Posted 8/18/2009 1:38 AM (GMT 0)
me, poetry, and when i get back into it, abstract art. jamie. smilewinkgrin
Posted 8/18/2009 11:30 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Artsy

Welcome to HealingWell. This is a great site. I look forward to getting to know you better.

I have had depression and anxiety for 27 years now and I can tell you that with medication and therapy I have done very well most of the time.  It is in accepting that you have a disorder that will come and go at will and arming yourself with tools to deal with the depression that make it easier to get through the low times in your life.

You will read many success stories and also stories from members that are on the road to healing.  You will find the support you need here so please do keep posting.

We love to have new members join us.

With kindest personal regards,

Kitt
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