Need Help

I dont know where else to turn.... so I thought I would turn to my HW family for some support..

I have started college and I love going to class.... but, I am so overhwelmed with things. Class...people...relationships. I see everyone else having such a good time with friends and Im all alone. I really cant explain everything right now I have a class in a minute...

But, I can think of a ton of things I have going for me and its just enough to keep me going... However, I am slipping further and further so I dont know how much longer that list will hold. I dont see my psych until next Thurs..and my therapist next Friday... I try talking to friends...but I feel all alone in this.....

I will explain more later, Im using the teachers computer in my class and its about to start so... thanks!

Okay, I will take some time to elaborate more.

Your right. I dont socialize, period. At all. Not because I dont have time, because I just cant seem to make friends with people. I smile, Im friendly...I am like the most caring person ever, yet these days that doesnt seem to be enough. I was introduced to a girl whom I really liked and we hung out, of course I blew it cause I wasnt myself and didnt say much and she just wants to be friends. Even though I REALLY like her. That pretty much broke my heart. My ex whom I sparked yet another relationship with a few weeks ago suddening stopped talking to me and I just found out she went back to her former abusive girlfriend. I seriously dont know whether to laugh or cry... I dont understand why people are the way they are... I would be friends with myself and date myself if I could... I dont want to brag, but Im a catch! But, for some reason Im invisible and noone sees me or wants to have anything to do with me.

My friend whom I talked a lot about (they gay guy) has moved on and has all new friends. I seen him today and he totally ignored me. Never talks to me anymore. I have a total of 3 friends whom I talk to and see occasionally. Then, I have the pregnant lazy girl who gets angry with me when I dont do every little thing for her.

I just really dont get it. I thought this whole college thing would help me being around new people making new friends.... but its just worse because now I am all alone everywhere I go. I sit alone. I eat alone. I read alone... I walk around alone. I watch everyone else interacting with people and talking and laughing and its like I am not capable of that at all. I cant seem to understand that at all.

I dont know what is wrong with me. Ive just become this invisible nobody. No one sees me. No one hears me. No one cares for my presence. Im just nothing really. Just matter taking up space...

I cant focus in class anymore. I loved class to begin with. I now hate my chemistry, sociology, chem lab, and history. The only one I like is English, only because I have become good friends with my professor through facebook... so she sees me! Thats the only time I feel like I am not invisible. School is so lonely. So quiet.

I seem to just not care for anything anymore. I have been putting up with things for so long and I am about to explode. I cant handle my friend complaining to me about doing something when I do everything for her and everything for her son. Im a really good person and yet no one knows it... no one gives me a chance. Because I am invisible. I cant take going to class and seeing everyone making friends and socializing while I sit there in silence. I just hate all of it really...

Also, my meds.... strike three I suppose. Obviously its NOT working... I dont know why I ever thought it would. I dont think I will ever feel better. I just continue to suffer thinking there is hope and it just never comes. I have so much going for me though... my family, my FEW friends, that little boy, the unborn baby, school, a career, Im smart, Im caring, I'd do anything for another person, I want my own family someday, etc.... I have so many things to live for ya know... But things just keep getting worse. And slowly my list is starting to be less and less important compared to the amount of mental pain I am feeling. I just need to feel something.

Ive tried talking to my friends. One really isnt sure what to say but cares... the other is in the same boat as I am therefore she has no idea how to help. I dont like to talk about how I feel. AT ALL. Im so scared to tell anyone about it. I have been honest with my therapist, but I havent told her everything. I just havent developed that trust for her. Something about her is more of a joke than serious to me. However, I trust my pdoc more... I just never know what to say to him... Last time I even mentioned something bad I had to sign a safety thing.... I am afraid of what might happen if I tell them the whole truth... ya know...

Well, I hope that was enough info to go on... I could talk all night about everything bothering me.. but thats good enough... I have to go to the hospital in the morning, last week I left there crying and had a panic attack(thats a story in itself) An older lady I was working with made me cry. She kept asking why I didnt really do anything when I was young and healthy, she got kinda angry. And all my ears heard was "your worthless"... I couldnt explain to her that I had Fibro and couldnt help that much.... So, I cried and ran out... then had a horrible panic attack... so, I hope this week is better....

be you. and then people will see you. jamie. hoping you feel better soon. be positive, the academic world is a different kettle of fish, keep swimming-then soon you will be caught. parden the pun. with compassion. jamie

Hi Tennis,

It can suck at school seeing all of the people clique together. I felt like an outsider in college, but I realized it wasn't because of anything wrong with me, but that I just loathed the whole packaged "college experience." I did, however, after about a year, find new friends via my interest in writing. You said you like English, so possibly you may find some people with some depth that notice you if you advance through writing classes. Stay in the present and pursue whatever subject(s) you like in college - those are the ones that will fulfill you in the way that career stability and accompanying wealth may not.

some beautiful rays of light i see coming clearer into veiw. for what you have and are going through you are doing real well. keep up the good work, and know that the sun always shines, even in the most darkest of places. with healing compassion. jamie

 

Well, I saw my pdoc today.. I voiced my concerns about school and sleep and everything. He gave me trazodone(sp) to help me sleep and focalin(sp) to help me focus better. It is similar to adderall, he chose to try the other first though.. so we will see. And I am still taking the prozac. He said I seemed better, because of how I was dressed ? lol.. apparently I cared about what I wore today... lol... I do agree... I am doing a little better. I could be better, but Im not going to complain... I have really bad days still, but fewer of them. Im trying really hard to feel better. I suppose it has been about 6 weeks since I doubled my dose to 40mg... perhaps thats the reason I seem better. I have gotten a lot of comments from friends, people at the hospital, and my doctor that I seem to be doing better so I suppose I am..

So, I am going to try the new meds and see how everything works out.. hopefully I will be able to sleep and focus in class... I will let you all know how it goes... btw if anyone has tried these meds or this med combo, please let me know and give me your opinions etc..

I cant remember if there is anything I wanted to say... my memory has been HORRIBLE lately... a sure sign of my Fibro since I have been in so much pain lately. I dont take anything for my Fibro so... and I have been alot more active with school so... thats everything I can remember for now, I will talk to you all later, thanks so much for your support and kind words! Take care!

I got the trazodone... but couldnt get the focalin cause it doesnt come in generic. Generic costs me $5...but the real stuff is $50 so Im going to call the doc Monday and see if he will switch me to Adderall cause there is a generic for that, at least I think there is... I have taken the trazodone 3 times now.. I was supposed to take 1/2 tablet the 1st 4 days... I took half the first night, but like 3-4 hrs later I took the other half. Yesterday I took a whole one cause I forgot. It had more of an effect, but it was good, I went to bed right before 11... which is great cause lately its been after 2 before I can fall asleep. I took a whole tablet tonight at 8 and its now 11:15... hasnt done much.. makes me a little more tired and easier to fall asleep, but doesnt make me HAVE to go to sleep if I dont want to or whatever. So, thats kind of good... But its like an antidepressant and such so it has helped alot at night....my mind doesnt wonder at all... Im able to think about something if I focus really hard, but otherwise my mind wont wonder around and keep running so.. thats an awesome feature!

I hope my doc will change my other med on Monday that way I can either get it then or on Tuesday... then I can test it... cause I need it for class... I cant pay attention at all.. My mind wonders about other things. I notice details of all the students and the teachers. I can remember what people look like, what they wore, where they sit, who they talk to, everything...its very annoying. I notice everything random, odd, or unimportant, but I cant focus on listening or doing my work. My mind is so full of everything else that I cant even remember what work I have to do... I always forget and it puts so much stress on me...

So, I will let you guys know how it goes... thanks for the support :)