Long-term unemployment, chronic depression, borderline personality disorder, and no health insurance

I'm new to the forum. Don't really know what to say...just that I've tried everything in my power to get better, but I keep finding myself back here, hopeless and desperate. I've been in therapy and on various antidepressants off and on since age 14 (I'm 28 now). I had always been an overachiever in school and excelled at work after college until...my depression and anxiety got really bad about 5 years ago. I was often physically ill, but most of the time I just couldn't get out of bed. I was late to work if I showed up at all, and eventually decided to quit my job and move home to live with my parents. Suicidal thoughts were not new to me, but self-injury was- and it terrified me. So I decided to devote all my time and energy to recovering from this disease that had controlled my life for entirely too long. Cognitive behavioral therapy was working, I was taking meds again, and I started a new job. Six months later, I relapsed and would have been fired had I not quit. Thus began a downward spiral of self-sabotage and what I saw as constant affirmations of my own worthlessness. A doctor in the emergency room psych ward diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder, a condition I didn't even know existed at the time, and I started intensive DBT therapy 3 times a week. I felt better for a few months, then crashed again...spent a few days in an inpatient clinic, and a month later had to be re-committed for a week. This was two years ago. I haven't been able to find work since, and my fiance and family have been supporting me financially. Although I am actively looking for a job and have had several successful interviews, no one will hire me. I know it's a terrible economy, but I can't help but think that I deserve this because of my past failures. People see me as a liability- leaving a job for "personal reasons" is code for "crazy" or unstable. But no matter how far I've come, every day still feels like I'm pushing a boulder up a hill. Now the stress and exhaustion from fighting all these years is taking its toll, and I've developed frequent cluster migraines (they last for days), chronic hives, IBS, and unbearable back pain. Because I have no health insurance I've already been to the ER 4 times this year, where they basically tell me these symptoms are all in my head. I filed for bankruptcy in July. I think I'm finally ready to start working again - assuming anyone hires me - but I'm terrified that I'll screw it up by getting sick, depressed, etc. I am so tired of struggling toward some semblance of a functional life. I know there are people who understand how this feels. What do I do now?

hello chein noir, i am jamie, male, 37 and live with mdd, and severe  borderline personality disorder. sorry for the difficulties you have faced. from reading your post i can see some relevant symptomology of borderline personality disorder. i have been living with this for around 10 + years now, i am wondering how an er doctor could diagnose you with this so expectantly? a diagnose of this disorder takes a lot of time, it is a very accute dx, therefore i would consult a psychiatrist about this. hey, things do get better, yes dbt is excellent, there other theraputic tools also. trust me, your life is far from over......let me tell you some about me.

from suffering a sequale of abuse, 28 acute hospitalisations, 6 were very long admissions, a course of ECT, homeless for 2 and a half years, dropping my uni degree, a year and a half in-due to repeated bouts of manic and aggitated psychosis, to selling my car for food and money and coming thru heaps of self-harm issues and more, you get what i am saying to now being back in school, making a home and soon to become engaged. lucky for me i was in a psychosocial inpatient treatment program for people with bpd. 6 full and hard months.......but gee it helped me heaps. so my recommendation: consult with a psychiatrist who specialises with bpd. look at all the helping straqtergies, alike mindfulness practice, c.a.t and dbt as well.

my suggestion about employment would be to look at doing some voluntary work with a community mental health service provider, thus no discrimination, furthermore they will be able to refer you to non-judgemental and community focused agencies and employers. with compassion. jamie

ps. never surrender, we at hw are here for you. and i admire your courage in posting your situation. many healings to you.