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Depersonalization Disorder

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Posted 10/10/2009 11:59 PM (GMT 0)
Jamie said something to me in one of my posts about me seeming disassociated or something so I looked that up. It seemed like common sense and I was on the right track when I thought about what it was. But, something caught my eye. The different disorders, one being: depersonalization disorder.

Does anyone here have that or know anything about it? 

As usual, I did some research and I hadn't really heard of this much before. Also, as soon as I read what it was I was like "wow, I've had that experience before and have been the last few days."  If anyone can remember, I have posted a few times (last year) about when I looked in the mirror and felt like I wasnt seeing myself and that I was outside looking at a person in the mirror who was not me..... If you remember, then you can recall my having a depersonalized episode. Thats what that was. And the last few days me feeling outside of reality... thats the same thing. But several times I have had the thing in the mirror where I didnt see myself...but was of course looking at myself in the mirror. That freaked me out, but I never knew what it was.... I just thought it was my depression or something...

I have never been asked about this type of thing by my psychiatrist.... so I never thought to mention it, but now it seems a little more important.... Should I tell him? 

The only thing is (and Im very upset about this)..is that I dont see him again until January!!!!!..... I see my therapist about every other week usually... but she is less serious than he is. And she tends to laugh about things so I dont want to talk to her about it.. she will just think Im crazy. He is a lot more understanding and sees it as not being my fault and he understands more. Maybe you guys can understand that.

But, what should I do? The other thing is, I read that this type of thing most likely occurs in people who were abused as children or had some sort of traumatic event happen, etc.... and as far as I know I dont have anything like that. Ther could be one thing... but I dont ever talk about it to anyone at all. Unless I dont remember something, I may just be a rare case to this disorder. I am positive I can add this to my list... I have most definitely experienced exactly what it describes. My therapist read me my list of stuff yesterday and she said everytime I see my pdoc it gets longer and longer. It was like: anxiety disorder, panic disorder w/o agoraphobia, eating disorder, adhd, dysthymia, fibromyalgia.. maybe something else. So, why not add depersonalization disorder..... might as well I suppose. It would explain ALOT.

Any comments or advice is very much appreciated......

Posted 10/11/2009 12:54 AM (GMT 0)
Some of my convincing research:

1) These disorders are a form of mental illness involving breakdowns or a disruption in memory, consciousness, and/or perception of identity. When one or more of these functions are disrupted, symptoms typically result involving a distorted perception of the body. The person may feel like he/she is outside their body, as if they were in a dream.

Typical descriptions by those suffering from Depersonalization disorder (DPD) include feeling as though I am: made of cotton wool, a robot, going through the motions, on automatic pilot. Some people have a distorted perception of their body, causing them to feel as if they are invisible. They feel as if they are simply observing rather than participating in their life and actions.

2) Depersonalization Disorder effects ones emotions and behavior. It’s generally characterized by a change in how one perceives experiences or sense of self. It’s as if all reality ceases to exist; the feeling of being detached or being in a dream, only the person affected by this order realizes he/she is not in a dream but and yet has no ability to control the sensation.  Often victims of Depersonalization disorder feel as if they are going insane, though this is rarely the case.

Patients describe their feelings of being unreal and their emotions dull. Actions feels mechanical—sometimes even robotic in nature.

My point is... my pdoc dx me with ADHD.... because of my inability to pay attention and stuff. But, what I experience is way more outside of me than simply not paying attention. I have had some severe outer body experiences, but I have mild ones all the time. For example, the last few days I have described almost exactly like what is highlighted in red. The red is definite. Things that I have most certainly thought to myself as how to describe what is happening to me. The surrounding black describes it, but the red is most important.

Should I ask my doctor about this? I dont want him to think that I am just reading a bunch of stuff and think that I have something.... And I dont want him to be offended if I ask about it vs. ADHD... because I honestly dont think I have adhd... It makes sense that I cant pay attention, but thats because its like Im watching everything thats going on outside of myself... Thats why I dont pay attention.. ADHD doesnt make sense to me... Im not hyper at all. I rarely even talk or anything. I dont know...... how should I go about talking to him about it??

Thanks

Posted 10/11/2009 1:20 AM (GMT 0)
Do you feel that this problem is getting worse, and quickly? Or is it following a fairly stable course... except that you've only just noticed it and been able to put a name to it?
Posted 10/11/2009 1:48 AM (GMT 0)
I have noticed it for over a year now.... I just now found that there is a name for it. It started out as just a few severe occasions that would last 10-20 minutes. But now, its almost constant. On and off... sometimes lasting as long as a week. So, it is becoming more irritating to my life. I dont communicate with people at school or cant pay attention. I get down really easy because I feel I am stuck between two worlds. I end up walking or sitting for long periods of time doing absolutely nothing and time just seems to fly by so fast. I dont seem to have any emotions. I found out I was doing bad in my chem lab class... and I had absolutely no reaction. I didnt care. My friends freaked out when I told them that, everyone knows how much of a perfectionist I am when it comes to grades, etc. I just seem to lack any kind of connection with anyone and I dont feel anything at all. I realize everything going on around me, but I just dont care. I feel like Im stuck between reality and my own world. Sometimes when I can fully escape reality its not as frustrating as being stuck in the middle. Mostly because I wont have any emotion or reaction..I wont talk... Im just in my own world.

I wouldnt say its getting worse... I mean I suppose it is if it occurs more and more often now than ever before. But, I have experienced for over a year. Thats when I first noticed an extreme experience.

I hope that answers your questions.... and I hope it makes some kind of sense...because it really doesnt seem to make sense to me, but thats the best I can describe it. Thanks
Posted 10/11/2009 2:39 AM (GMT 0)
Tennis, hon, I'm not a mental health mod, but my feeling is that you should definitely tell your doc and therapist about this. I would hesitate to diagnose (or self-diagnose) at this stage, but it sounds to me as if you are certainly experiencing a newish symptom that is getting worse, and having an increasingly severe impact on your life.

Have you tried recording these experiences for your doc and therapist? It may not work too well retrospectively, but if you start recording each episode now, the docs might find it really helpful:
* when you first noticed this episode
* what you felt (or didn't feel)
* what others noticed, if anything
* how long the dissociation lasted
* anything that might have triggered it
* anything that might have helped it lift.

I appreciate that this sort of thing is very difficult to discuss. I did suffer long-standing trauma as a child and experienced this on a number of occasions when I was younger . Like you, I've found it hard to describe to others, so haven't. I haven't had the mirror experience, but have had occasions where I have no memory, almost as if I wasn't there at all. Fortunately, mine have only lasted a short while, instead of for long periods like yours.

Try not to freak out too much. Remember, if it started a year ago and you're still here, there's a good chance it won't get to you before you can talk to your therapist.

Ivy.
Posted 10/11/2009 2:46 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Tennis,

It's great Jamie could help. I will say that I've read some of your posts in the past, and I had also thought dissociation was very probable as part of what you are dealing with.

As for bringing it up with your pdoc, that's a good question. Not all psychiatrists and mental health professionals are familiar with dissociation and the related disorders. I would suggest you first ask your pdoc. if he believes these disorders exist (some don't). And if so, does he have any experience treating them? If he says no to the first question, I would just move on to another topic. These types of conditions are best treated by professionals that have expertise working with dissociative disorder. Otherwise, it's not generally a good idea to really get into it as it really does take someone skilled and sensitive to treat these particular conditions. They are best addressed by therapists rather than psychiatrists as counseling can help to bring healing. For this reason dissociation isn't actually a mental health illness but a mental health condition - a survival technique actually. Healing from it is possible with proper therapy.

If your pdoc or you for that matter believe dissociation is a factor maybe your pdoc could recommend someone who works specifically in this field to complement the work you are doing with your pdoc. I believe things will fall into place as they need to. One step at a time, and just keep being persistent as you have been.

Keep up the good work on your healing journey!

sincerely, embers
Posted 10/11/2009 2:56 AM (GMT 0)
Is there anything you can remember that made you think dissociation? I remember a few significant times because of the severity and I think I have finally found a name to describe how I have been more and more since this all began. But perhaps you thought it for a certain reason. I have a horrible memory so... I dont expect you to remember, I just thought I would ask.

btw, is there any way that I can look at my posts from a long time ago? I remember I once looked up my very first post from here and was amazed by it. I know the system gets cleaned out every now and again and gets rid of older stuff. I tried some key words and found some old posts, but I havent been able to find the specific ones I am looking for.. In particular, the one I wrote the night I had the first mirror experience.... I would then know when I first noticed it and hopefully what I wrote can describe what happened in more detail since it was a year ago... I thought maybe I could print it and give it to the doc as an example...

Anyways, thanks for all the kind words and advice. I really do appreciate it very much.
Posted 10/11/2009 4:09 AM (GMT 0)
Christi,

It sounds like you could be on to something here. Like was stated earlier, write this all down and talk to your pdoc about it, maybe you can see him before January.

I will write more later, very tired. Thinking of you my friend.

Much hugs, Karen
Posted 10/11/2009 9:52 PM (GMT 0)
*sigh* I feel like I come here to complain... but I am SO tired of all of this... The past week has been so horrible. And it only keeps getting worse and worse... Everything is tearing under my skin even more than usual.

I thought for a minute I had had a good time. My brother and I took all of our old house paint and did a big picture... and then painted each other! It was war.... and for a few seconds I thought I felt a little better. However, nothing good came of it. My mom got mad saying we were stupid and should know better than to get paint on our OLD clothes... not GOOD clothes...OLD clothes.... we had fun, whats wrong with that?

I still have in my ear plugs because they do help some.... I cant hear the little things... I can still hear loud things, but it seems more of a comfortable level. So, I do think I will be wearing them very often. I like not being able to hear so much. It makes it easier for me not to be so distracted. And I dont talk as much. I dont like to talk so... its helps me....

Im just so frustrated and tired of everything. Im sick of being sick. Im tired of being so distracted at school. I feel I am only doing worse and worse. I dont really have anyone to talk to anymore. And it all seems to be folding in on me. Im so incredibly......stuck. Im not sure what to do anymore.. ya know.... I just feel like climbing under a rock and not coming back out, ever. Im so bothered by everything..... ughh, I dont even know how to explain the way I feel right now. I just know I want to be done with all of this. Im sick and tired of EVERYTHING...................

I guess thats really all I can say for now....
Posted 10/11/2009 10:04 PM (GMT 0)
(((Tennis)))
Posted 10/12/2009 2:36 AM (GMT 0)
talk with ya doc. d.i.d maybe apparent. dissassociative identity disorder. depersonalization from my point of veiw is an affect symptom of one or such disorders. hope this helps. jamie. ps. sorry that you are having are hard time. my love and compassion to you. keep strong my friend. jamie.
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