worries

Today was just such a horrible day. I am so overwhelmed with stress between the foreclosure, bankruptcy, still not finding any permanent work, etc., etc., etc.

And now I get a slew of emails from a project I led at work about how angry people all are about how it turned out. I am just overwhelmed. As much as I mistrust MHW's after I was previously misdiagnosed & spent over 2 years being unnecessarily miserable from a hormone imbalance that everyone swore was imaginary (as it turns out I wasn't even close to the normal range), I have decided to go see a psychologist on Friday. I am scared senseless, but I just can barely even function anymore. I am worried all the time. I feel like everyone in the world hates me (& days like today where people write me letters telling me they're angry with me don't exactly help) and God knows they have good reason to, but somehow I have to start to turn things around & start earning my place in this world.

So that's it. I'm just overwhelmed. I don't know if I'm looking for advice or sympathy or what. But I know at least some of you will understand what this feels like. And that's more than I can say for most people I know. gosh, I've gotta pull it together somehow, but I just don't even have the slightest clue how to do that. Mostly I just believe that if enough really horrible things happen to me now that somehow that will balance out for me being a horrible person, but I realize that belief sometimes ends up not only ruining my own life but negatively impacting others. I don't know if that even makes sense. It's such a long story & I really don't have the energy to tell the whole thing, but maybe someone will still get what I'm talking about.

anyways, i'm gonna try to get some sleep now. i gotta get up at dawn to go to work & try to fix that nightmare project. plus the home traction guy is coming tomorrow night (man, my home is such a mess, i don't even know where he will be able to set up -- mold, dirty dishes, laundry, everything is such a mess & i keep meaning to clean, but i just can't bring myself to do it).

peace,
frances :(

PS -- I don't know why all the sudden it says I'm a Forum Moderator. I used to be, but stopped a while back. Just wanted to mention that so no one gets confused. sorry.

Post Edited (Frances_2008) : 10/16/2009 10:27:27 PM (GMT-6)

((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

jamie

frances, it does not have to be an awful day. can be crap, but not awful. need to delete that tape in your head, and yeah regardless of what happens nobody is gonna take the samauri sword to your head. you know what go see the counsellor, and may i suggest without any preceived conceptions. assume nothing. you know what it means to assume. in the end it is you who will help you, me just condiut, your counsellor, well he/she will teach you to heal yourself, and when this happens that void will lift and you will begin your journey of recovery. i understand that the idea of confronting pain is scary, but i know that with courage you will be fine. here for you. with loving compassion. jamie

well, it's only 12 hours until I have to go to that counseling appointment. of course I am completely terrified & thinking of not going at all. i am worried she is going to try to kill me. i don't know why i think that, but i keep having nightmares that i've seen her before & that she is going to yell at me that i need to just stop worrying & feeling depressed all the time.

i had one counselor in the same city that i went to one time & she snapped at me that i needed to just stop all these thoughts running through my head. what a stupid piece of advice. like i want them running through my head all the time. i try to change what i think about, but really it doesn't ever matter. even if i can force myself to think about something else, i start shaking or i zone out or turn colors or start biting my fingers without even realizing it & someone brings it up again. then, of course, there's the night time where i just feel stressed all the time for too many reasons to explain.

so i guess there's just no hope. i saw one counselor a long time ago who was a behavioral psychologist & she did help, but all these people who just want to talk all the time with the hope that somehow i will figure out how to "cure myself" i think is just stupid beyond belief. honestly, if I could figure out what was wrong with me on my own, why on earth would i bother to waste an hour a week & a ridiculous amount of money paying someone to just sit there & do nothing. that's just the dumbest theory ever. i have plenty of friends who could listen to me for free & they wouldn't sit there like a dumb ox, refusing to ever give an opinion on anything or to give advice about anything or to give me any hints at all about how i could turn my life around.

so i'm feeling pretty hopeless. i always get my hopes up that a new counselor will somehow be able to help me to finally stop living like this. then, months or years later, i realize i've just wasted $10K for absolutely nothing. so then i'm angry at myself & hate myself & things end up worse off than before i even started.

so i'm wondering whether it wouldn't maybe just be better to skip the appointment tomorrow. gosh, i'm so stressed. this dumb appointment has me more stressed that the phone calls from the mortgage company (which get me super stressed). i really just want to give up.

idk.

frances

thanks, jamiee. i'm trying.

Frances,

Please go to the appointment and see how it works out. Who knows you might really like this therapist. I hope that it is a good one. There will be talking, that is what it is all about. They can't fix you, but they can help you to heal yourself. You are a smart cookie and I think that you will be able to tell if this is right for you.

I am sorry about your fears. Having bad therapists in the past can really effect how you feel now. But there are many good therapists out there, and I hope that you get one.

Go to the appointment, then let us know how it goes. I am praying for you my friend.

Hugs, Karen