Don't know what to do...

New at this I don’t know what else to do, I have been so depress for so long that I can’t even fake it anymore. I was on meds that didn’t work or made me sicker. So I had to stop, I just want to die and end every thing. My life ended when I was born, my brothers abused me, when they stopped then revolution start and war start. I came here for better life and it start all over, people hate me, and teacher failed me just because where I was from. But I had to show them all that I was strong, and continued finished master degree got married to an abusive husband (European man). When I finally got strong enough and kidded him out and met my true love, I thought to myself that it is over. I have my kids, a man that loves me and I love him, a job that I love, it sounded just like a fairy tale. But I was just fooling myself, Once again, I was attacked by my boss because where I was born, it went on until I had a mental break down. Now, I am diagnosed with PTSD and sever depression and anxiety attack which was not new. I just used work to keep the PTSD under control. I have a therapist that I like but, I just want to quit life, but don’t know how. I am not strong enough to take my life. Just to top it all, my memory is not what it should be. I just don’t know what to do. How can I forget a life time full of trauma?

Sky,
I am glad that you aren't thinking about hurting yourself. I know how dark & hopeless life can seem at times. It can just be so awful just the next minute seems intolerable. Sometimes we are trying so hard to forget our past that we have a hard time remembering our present. I think for many, myself included, we don't ever forget the past. I have learned to practice more acceptable responses to stressors (like someone touching me on the back of my neck or someone entering a room unnoticed) but the past is still there & when something really awful happens (like the process server for my mortgage case illegally breaking into my home & leaving me a note in my kitchen) all of that horror from the original trauma resurfaces. But my life is not a constant nightmare like it used to be. It has some good, happy moments at times as well. And I try to focus on those & surround myself with good people who can hopefully create more happy memories with me. But it's not at all easy. It is hard to trust people. It is hard to choose not to trust certain people. It can be hard to avoid our past abusers for certain events. It is hard to learn & practice relaxing. It is hard to change the way we protect ourselves so that we can keep out the bad people while letting in the good ones. But more than everything else, it is hard to trust ourselves that we are doing all the right things, making all the right decisions and choosing all the right people to keep ourselves safe so that what happened before will NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER happen to us again.

But I want to let you know that it can be done. Maybe with medication. Maybe with therapy. Maybe with books or the internet, if that's where you need to start. Some like groups (there are a lot of member-organized PTSD self-help groups out there, but please make sure that if you go that route the members are screened & moderated). Others prefer individual counseling. Some do yoga or go to church/temple/synagogue/etc. Everyone is different. The key is that you still do have your education, your kids & your new husband. I know it is awful to lose your job -- I lost mine in April. And it is even worse when it's due to a discriminatory, harassing ex-boss. But just like before, you will pick up all the good in your life, carry it forward & find new work -- in a nice place with a much better boss who will value you because of who you are, how hard you work & what a great person you are, regardless of where you were born. Keep reminding yourself of that everyday -- one day you will see it come true.

Serafena does make a good point that if meds have helped you with the anxiety in the past, perhaps you could revisit that option now to see if the same meds, a higher dose or a newer med could help calm your mind a little bit. There are so many options out there. The key to healing will be finding a way to let your mind rest a bit & start to refocus on more peaceful thoughts. If meds can help you do that, whether for a short time or long-term, that could be very helpful. But even if they don't do the trick, there are a lot of resources out there about Relaxation & Stress Reduction & I encourage you to take advantage of everything out there. You definitely deserve to be happy after everything you've gone through.


(((((soft hugs))))),
frances