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can't sleep ... ugh .. so frustrated

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Posted 12/6/2009 9:02 AM (GMT 0)
It's been a while since I posted ... so here's a little update.

I forgot the meds yesterday ... had a class that started super early in the morning and it was snowing so I headed out extra early and just plain forgot them.  Guess it's not part of my regular routine yet.  So I found myself really irritable and tired all day, and generally unpleasant all evening.  Which really stinks ... as it turns out, class was cancelled due to weather, so I got a 'free' afternoon with my daughter .. and all I wanted to do was sleep.  I got totally irritated with her for whining about everything ... she is struggling with adjustments to our family dynamic now too.  I wish I could still be the 'good mom' I used to be.  But for now, I have to settle for the best I can do .. and frankly, that sucks.

I ended up in the ER on Wednesday .. possibly had an ovarian cyst rupture.  They gave me STRONG meds for pain and nausea ... scared my kids, scared my husband, scared my parents, and scared me too.  I missed work ... not good ... but they all could tell I was in real pain.  My BP was 68/45 and I was pale and sweating .... yuck.  Still sore, and struggling with having the rxs from the ER in the house .. would just LOVE to pop a pill and sleep for a while .. but I'm not in THAT much pain, and don't want to use the pain pills for the wrong reason.  (Not that I would overdose .. I just want to sleep for more than 3 hours at a time .. and maybe escape into a bit of 'fuzzy time' too .... isn't that awful to admit?)  I have a battle with meds .. they scare me ... I don't want to take them for fear of being hooked, and yet, can't quite seem to manage without them ... 

I can't sleep ... I hurt all over ... I am increasingly anxious ... I miss my old self and my kids and worry about everything all the time.  I'm not taking care of myself ... seems like a lot of work to do the simplest things like take a shower, brush my teeth, wash a dish ... 

I was full of optimism about the Prozac helping when I posted on here last week .... and I am still honestly trying to keep my chin up ... but it sure does seem like an uphill battle right now.  Probably the time of year, the weather, worries about holidays and money and all that stuff ... but dang ....  I'm so tired.  I think I use all of my 'good energy' at work .. just to put up a good facade and make it through the day, and by the time I get home I am jsut a shell .. nothing left to share with my kids or husband ... I want to go to bed at 6:00 in the evening ... and am not pleasant at all to be around anymore. 

My husband and I were driving to town the other day and I found myself thinking "pull out in front of that truck" when we were at an intersection .... wouldn't have dared to say it outloud ... but was thinking it would be ok if the semi hit my side of the car and I'd get hit.  I don't want to do anything to myself  ... but it scared me that the thought even zipped through my brain for an instant. 

I don't have a psychologist, psychiatrist, or anything like that right now.  I have a family Dr who I talked to months ago and he gave me the prozac .. but it took me months to finally start taking it.  I have no insurance, and no access to anyone 'professional' to talk to for a while.  I know I'll be ok ... I mean, I've dealt with this crap off and on for my whole life and I'm still here ...  but I think the bottom line is that the older I get, the more frustrated I am becoming with the fact that this  crapty depression keeps rolling back in like a tide. 

I need to come up with a plan ... a list of little, reachable goals .... things that everyone else seems to do effortlessly ... like ... take a bath, for example.  Or go for a walk with my kids in the snow.  Or bake a batch of cookies with them ...  SOMETHING fun.  I miss my kids.  I miss my old life.  I miss mySELF.  And I have to figure out SOMETHING to do to get that back .....

And I can't talk about it with anyone ... because my family gets all freaked out like I'm gonna fall apart again ... and then they get hyper vigilant and drive me CRAZY.  I don't want anyone to worry about me .. but on the other hand, I am worried about me.  Not that anything awful will happen, it's just that I am so sad and lonely and tired and sore and I miss the old me ..... 

Posted 12/6/2009 10:20 PM (GMT 0)
Hi do-over,

Tell us a little bit about why you can't see a psychiatrist or counselor? It sounds like you would really benefit from having some professional input. I'm glad you decided to finally take the medication, but remember that it takes 6 - 8 weeks before you'll feel the full effect. So if you don't feel better yet, know that it will be a while yet, and don't stop taking the meds. We've all had those hopeless thoughts. There's no shame in that. You will be okay, and the meds should help, but it would be great if you could find a counselor too.

serafena
Posted 12/6/2009 11:23 PM (GMT 0)
I can't see a counselor now because I have just started back to work and can't take any time off ... and since I have no insurance and am pretty close to losing our farm, all finances go to food and housing right now. The p-doc that i used to see requires full payment at time of visit without insurance to bill, and since it's been over a year since I saw him I need a 'comprehensive' appointment and that costs about $250. I like him, trust him, he knows me and knows my history, but his office is an hour away and I just simply don't have the cash right now. He actually called my family Dr and told him the level of meds I took before, and they worked together to get me started on the Prozac and Klonopin for now. (I AM trying to use what resources I have, and I'm so thankful that my family Doc and P-Doc are willing to communicate!)

I'll have insurance in the beginning of March, and I already have an appointment made for then. Just waiting .. and hoping to make it through the toughest time of year without losing my mind.
Posted 12/6/2009 11:48 PM (GMT 0)
(((do-over)))

Sometimes, when we're feeling down, it becomes very easy to focus on the things we miss and can't do. We don't know you in real life so can't see what you *can* do, so do you think you'd be able to give us a short list of the things that you are able to do at the moment? That will give us some clues on how we can help you come out of this dark patch.

We already know that you can go to work, and that you can go for drives with your husband (and that's a great sign, that you can get out of the house), so that's two already :-). Maybe you could add a few more for us, and then we might be able to think of a small, achievable, goal for you.

Keep hanging in there. I'm sorry things have been so tough for you lately.

Ivy.
Posted 12/7/2009 4:10 AM (GMT 0)
Hi do-over,
Sorry to hear you are struggling with depression. I can definitely relate to the aggravation of facing it time & again ... just when I think I finally have it beat. I am going to run out of COBRA coverage myself pretty soon, so I can understand the frustration of not having money, time or resources to get needed services, but I have found that in my area there are a number of places that offer charity care -- free services for those who don't have insurance or any ability to pay. The counselors are willing to meet at 7, 8 or even 9 PM to accommodate my work schedule (they're also willing to come in at 6:30AM, or on weekends, but honestly, I just can't imagine trying to get up & be at an appointment that early).

I called around to different places where I live, but I've since learned that the web can be a good resource. I found some of the same places on this website (not sure how good it is for other parts of the country, but I just typed in the city & state and it came up with a few options both where I live & where I'm temping).

Here's the link, in case it could help:
freementalhealth.com/mental-health-clinic-directory.php

If you still can't find a counselor, I think Ivy had some good advice about thinking about what you can do (actually, it's good advice either way). Let us know how we can support you.

blessings,
frances
Posted 12/7/2009 10:41 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you for the replies. I have been trying to focus on what I can do ... baby steps are important, right?

Yesterday I tried to be 'in the moment' with my 5 year old daughter ... we read books, went to visit my VERY elderly grandparents, and (attempted) to make supper. (I used to be a great cook .. this was a pathetic meal, but it was tasty and easy and no one complained. lol) We did some puzzles and played a couple games ... though it made me sad that it required SUCH effort on my part (I wanted to just go to bed!) She is really pushing my buttons lately, so it was a constant struggle ... but in the end, we did have some fun and I DID devote the day to her, and when my boys got home from the weekend with their dad, we all watched a movie together. Low energy .... not as creative or engaging as I used to be .. but hey, at least we were in the same room together. My boys are growing up so fast, I miss them 'in advance' sometimes ... they would rather be with their girlfriends or hanging out with friends ....

I know things could be a lot worse. I have been in the place where they are really really bad, and I think that is part of my problem now .. I find myself obsessing a bit ... thinking "Oh GOD please don't let me fall back into the pit!" ... it always seems to swallow me up fast ... like I can be holding things together for a while and then WOOSH .. I am too low to pull up.

I'm trying to take things one day (or one hour) at a time ... and celebrate my little victories. I remembered my meds yesterday .. which helped. (apparently just missing one day is bad already!)

In response to the question about what I can do: I can do little things around the house ... like one load of laundry at a time (with 5 people in our family, that's a big deal. lol) I can read to my little girl, which is her favorite thing in the world to do. I can make meatloaf and open some canned vegetables for supper ... not fancy, but that effort resulted in all of us sitting around the table together at the end of the weekend. :) I am going to try to make ornaments tonight ... with the kids and husband. We'll see how that goes. I can TRY to attend the banc concerts my kids are in this month (social phobia/panic be darned! when my kids play I'll med up and go!) I spent some time with my dogs this weekend too ... they are good critters ... I've neglected them. I don't have the energy to walk them now ... we live on a 50 acre farm though so they get exercise on their own. But I just sat by the fire and petted them ... it was good. Oh .. and I visited my granny and pa for the first time in months. They are so old it breaks my heart to see them ... dribbling food, wearing diapers, forgetting my name, forgetting THEIR names ... but they are still at home and my mom and her bros and sister take care of them full time .. and I made it there to see them .... it was a great visit. sad, but they were happy and i was so proud of my little girl .. she is amazing around them.

ok .. i ramble a lot. sorry ... there is so much on my heart that i don't breathe a word to anyone in real life about ... i want to protect them from the 'falling me'. my hubby knows a little ... but he gets blue when i fall apart ... so i'm trying to 'suck it up' around him as much as a can. probably a bad investment in energy, huh?

i hope everyone has a sunny day. i really do appreciate knowing that you are here, and i'm looking forward to the time when I do more than whine and fuss and talk too much on here ... ready to get to know some of you a bit and reach out to you ... to be supportive when i can ... to be a friend in whatever way i can.
Posted 12/7/2009 3:17 PM (GMT 0)
Hi do-over,
I don't know if it helps, but I know for me & other people I know who struggle with depression that each time we fight it we get stronger & the next time is not quite a deep or debilitating. You are stronger now than you were before. You know the right things to do. I know it is hard, but I don't think you will end up as bad off as the last time, or the time before that. You are already getting help & it does take a bit of time to start working, but try to cut yourself a little slack. I'm not even depressed right now & even I don't do half the stuff you do with your family. :)

Wishing you a warm & peaceful day,
frances
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