at the end of sanity

For the past week, I've felt isolated, fatigued and very down. I have some kind of physical
ailment as well and I think I've had it for about 4 years now but have not yet sought
medical help for it as I'm not sure I can afford it. My parents are having financial
problems and I don't want them to have to sell their house just to help me out. However, I
am going to see a doctor after the holidays because I've reached the point where my fear has
overwhelmed my desire to be a good son and I can't be certain how much of this is just "in
my head".

Here's some background:

The physical problem started with swollen glands near my groin which became a tightness in
my stomach. about 3 years ago, I had what might be considered a mild stroke. My right arm
and the right side of my face went numb momentarily. I know I should have gone to the
doctor right then, but I foolishly choose to wait it out a while longer. A year after that,
my aunt developed terminal cancer and the whole family spent a very stressful 5 months
taking care of her and trying to make her final days comfortable. This, I thought, was a
bad time to bring up my problems and I didn't. One day, during this period, I noticed a
very dull pain starting in my stomach and making it's way up through my throat and then
all at once, my right arm became weaker and colder than my left which it remains although
not painful and still functional. In addition to that, a feeling of fatigue has set in and
I don't feel quite as sharp as I used to be. For instance, I tend to make a few more
spelling errors now than I did in the past.

I've been depressed off and on in my life. I'm 28 now and so far I've had 3 episodes that I
would consider major. The first when I was 18 and it seemed to clear up within a few days.
The second came at 22 and was much worse. It hit me one night and I was unable to sleep.
The following day it was a challenge just to eat and the food seemed to have no flavor. My
libido was gone for a couple more weeks and only slowly did I begin to recover, although I
don't think I've ever quite reached the level of happiness I'd had before. It's December
14th as I write this and nearly one week since my last episode. It happened as I was playing my video game and under the influence of. All at once and out of nowhere, bad thoughts came racing in like the thought that I've wasted my youth and my good years are behind me. Or that there is something terribly wrong with a 28-year-old living with his folks with no job for 3 years. Then I looked at my arm and immediately the word "cancer" came to mind and I think this took it the rest of the way.

Now I'm struggling. It doesn't seem to be as bad as the last one but my appetite and libido
are very diminished and I'm constantly tired. I'm not suicidal yet but the thought does cross my mind more often now. I've always had trouble getting myself to cry but lately, it's getting easier. And I've found it to be therapeutic. Also, and I know this might cause some controversy on a medical board but as a smoker, cigarettes have helped out a lot. It's funny because I was just about to try quitting again when this happened and the cigs are one of the few things keeping me sane. Anyway, that's my anonymous confession. I appologise for the length (and this is the condensed version) but I had to get some of this off my chest. If anyone knows how a guy like me can get some free medical treatment or at least an opinion without going to Cuba, please let me know. I live in South Carolina if that helps.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 12/14/2009 10:19:31 AM (GMT-7)

Hi there Voided,

Have you been to the doctor at all for the episode that you had?  Do you know if you had a stroke or not?  It could be something else, and I highly recommend that you go to the doctor and talk about this.  There are many programs that you might fall under for medical help.  So check it out with social services in your area. 

It does sound like you have some anxiety.  And that is a toughy.  You can do many self help things to curb it.  Deep breathing, transendental meditation, just to name a couple.  Breathing is the most important thing.  It slows down your mind and your heart rate so that you can get things somewhat under control.

I would check out your local mental health system and see if you can get in on a sliding scale and they will only charge what you can afford.  Are you working anywhere?  Do you have the opportunity to get insurance on your job?  If so, I would seriously think about that.

I had to remove one word in your and Jamies post.  We are not allowed to talk about illegal drugs on the forum.  If you want to talk further, I would recommend emailing eachother to discuss it.  Sorry...  But I have to follow the rules.

I hope that you stick with us Voided.  And welcome to the forum.  Hopefully we can support you here and maybe give you some advice as to what to do. 

Take care, best wishes,

Hugs, Karen

No biggy Jamie, I just took one word out. You don't have to apologize. But thanks anyway.

Hugs, Karen

Thanks for the advice. Sorry about the drug reference, I was unaware. In regards to the "stroke" I'm unsure if that's exactly what it was. That's was just my non-medical opinion. There was a number of different things going on at the time that may have led to it. The week before I noticed the swollen glands I had been bitten by a couple of ticks as I was working outside. Are my symptoms consistent with Lyme disease? Also I noticed a slight pain in my side after I had tried to move a large log with my foot but I don't think a hernia would explain everything. I've had dental problems all my life which in recent years have led to abscesses. One day my jaw was completely swollen and that forced me to ask my parents for money for the necessary tooth extractions. The dentist gave me antibiotics. But even with them the infection comes back on occasion. My theory is that the infection may have spread beyond my gums but then, I'm no doctor.

So it's been a week now and I seem to be getting better. I certainly feel better than I did yesterday. I'm staying sober and I don't feel completely down and out but there is that voice of doubt in my head that wants to pull me back in. It's like I'm not completely in the hole but I am circling the rim of it. The climb ahead doesn't look easy. I'm doing what I can to cope; trying to find something that I can get lost in to keep my mind busy, watching movies, playing games. But it's always fleeting and it's a challenge to keep finding something new and entertaining. You mentioned meditation and I've tried that many times even when I wasn't depressed but I can never quite get it. I will keep trying. Anxiety hadn't really crossed my mind but I'll look into that as well.

Thanks everyone.

voided, one day at a time.  keep posting, here for ya. jamie

Hi Voided,

Glad that you are getting into the clinic.  Always remember if we have a not so good day, it doesn't mean that it wont turn around into a better day.  Things do change for the better often. 

You know that you are a valued member here, so never hesitate to talk about things.  We are always here for you.  And if it takes a little time to get into the clinic, make sure that you go over everything that you are feeling.  It might be a good idea to make a list of all the things that are going on.  Often a long wait makes us want to rush the appointment and I feel that you have some very important things to talk about.  So write that list and take it with you.  You are just as important as the next patient. 

Let us know how everything goes.  Keep posting, remember that we are here for you.

Hugs, Karen