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Posted 12/15/2009 7:08 AM (GMT 0)
 

   In July, I found out that my husband had contacted his ex of over 10 years to tell her that he was not happy being married to me, didn't love me, loved her, blah blah.  They were talking back and forth for about 2 months until she brought done some family members that were staying with us for about a week.  He took them back and met up with the ex and her mom to pick up the family members.  When he got home from doing that, he was tired from driving 9 hours and went to bed.  His cell phone went off as if he got a text message.  I thought ok its one of the family members we havent heard from, so maybe they got home ok.  No, it was the ex.  It stated "  I cant help the way I feel.  We will talk about our plans later".  Well, I started reading through his other texts and found one that said, "Did you get to read the letter?"  He said yes.  That was it.  I woke him up and he denied EVERYTHING.   He said that the letter was about me and how people have noticed that he isn't happy anymore and that they are worred about him.  Yada.  They said he isnt the same person that he was before he moved here to be with me and married me.  That may be true.  When he lived there.. he was on drugs,  hardly saw his kids, was moving from home to home cause he couldn't afford an apartment of his own.  He moved here, got a better job making more money, got a new vehicle, enrolled him in college for the first time at 34 (which he made a 4.0 his first semester), has a better relationship with his kids, and some other of his family members.  Somewhere his friends and family members even told me he would never be had it not meant for me.  His step mom, whom apparently according to my husband), looked down on him his whole life.. has told him SEVERAL times since being with me she is so proud of him for finally taking all the right steps in his life.  Im in a place where I don't know if I should or want to even stay married to him.  I can't figure out with all these emotions laying one right on top of another if I am even in love with him anymore.  Our first year of marriage we had sex.. kid you not 7 times.. 2nd year of marriage..we were down to 4.. third year of marriage..we are at 1.   I am 25 years old.  I don't want to be married to a person like him anymore.  Yet at the same time, for my daughter's sake, I just dont want to give up.    What do i do

Posted 12/15/2009 2:51 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Nephie,

Welcome to the HealingWell depression forum.  I feel that you will get the support that you need here and maybe some new insight on your relationship. 

First of all, do you have depression or is this situation making you depressed?  The latter sounds more accurate.  Though I must encourage you to talk to a counselor about what is going on in  your life.

I would get to the bottom of this.  Make sure you know exactly what is going on.  You may have misenterpreted the messages.  It sounds like your husband is doing a lot better than he was when he first met you.  But how did you hook up with a guy into drugs and jobless?  You must of seen some potential in him somewhere.  So think about the things that attracted you to him in the first place.  Were they misplaced?  Or was there some potential there? 

I would ask him to stop texting his ex.  Especially if it was over ten years ago that they were together.  Do they have children together?  If so, then you might not be able to make him stop because of the children.  Then you have to decide if this is right for you.

Talking to a counselor would help you a lot and give you the support that you need to get through this situation. 

I hope that things work out for you.  Let us know how it goes.  But remember this forum is for people with depression.  And most of our posts deal with depressive situations.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen

Posted 12/15/2009 3:31 PM (GMT 0)
I was diagnosed with depression in high school. So theres alot of underlying issues obviously. When I first met my husband no, he was not on drugs. Had been clean for a year or so. As far as a job, he had one. But he had never even thought about college because he didn't think he was good enough or smart enough. Yes, they have 1 child together. Who will be 18 in a year and a half. I know I won't be able to get her (the ex) out of my life completely if I stay with him. I mean with a child..there will be graduation, wedding, grand kids, etc. I have been taking medication for years for my depression and I was "leveled out" until recently. Its not only this thing with my husband but some issues that are going on with my father. It is hard to talk to my family or friends because well even if I don't come to them about my problems. They tend to make remarks or just won't let me "vent". And I have contacted a counselor. He and I went to a marriage counselor and when he asked what my biggest issue in the marriage was. I said trust and lack of communication due to the ex. The therapist told me that my husband.. morally and logically.. did not have to tell me ANYTHING about what happened. He didnt even have to tell me that anything did happen.
Posted 12/15/2009 4:42 PM (GMT 0)
Wow,

I would think that your counselor would want you BOTH to be more open, but maybe I am misunderstanding this.  I guess that maybe there would be some privacy with events that pertain to their children and all that, but I would think that he would want you to be involved.  But I dont' have that situation, so I guess that maybe I don't understand everything.  That is just my opinion. 

Do you guys have the kids, or does the ex?  If you two have the children, I would think that you should be involved in the situation.  If she has them, well, maybe that would be a different story. 

In my relationship with my husband, we have grandkids on his side.  I didn't have any of my own.  I am involved in everything, except what goes on between him and his sons.  But that is a different story all together.  He doesn't have contact with his ex whatsoever.  So that is good. 

I hope that things work out for you and I hope that you continue counseling.  You need to vent and be able to hash things out with somebody.  I am glad that you have come here to do that.

Best wishes for a wonderful day.

Hugs, Karen

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