not dealing to well after the loss of my son

well i guess i should start with some info about me

I am or was a happy proud mum of 3 until the 14th of september 09 ... a normal day for us my kids age 7,6 and almost 3 did as they normally do, my littlest jacob was a bit cranky so i was sending him for a sleep which was proving difficult so i walked him down to his room and very firmliy said "now go to bed "  ( little did i know that was the last thing i would say to my sweet little baby) he went for his sleep and didn't wake up. It was around half an hour into his sleep

i went into his room to wake him up for a bath, when i went to wake him up he was limp and a little pale i took him straight out to the lounge room and called the ambulnce while i started cpr, all the while my other 2 kids where looking on .  Maybe 5 mins later the ambulance got here and took over, at that point i knew my baby was gone, the absolute worst feeling in the world standing there unable to do anything to save my little boy. The next few weeks were pretty much a blur and i only remember little bits and peices, nothing will tke away the pain of having to bury my son, say goodbye before hs time and hold his cold little hand in mine for the very last time.

So it's been 4 months since my baby went to heaven everyday i wish it had of been me, i am so angry at everything but still trying to hold it together the best i know how for my other 2 kids. I have also found out that i am pregnant (while on the pill) something that is messing with my head even more. I don't know how to deal with all these feelings or the hurt. My husband isnt helping as he doesnt know wht to do or say , he just goes out alot. i cry every night have trouble sleeping because everythig i do hurts... i just want my baby back .

You are going through a lot of grief right now.  Have you considered grief counseling?  I think it would help you tremendously. 

Having a loss such as you have is very traumatic.  Did they say what caused your son's death?  I can't express how sorry I am.  But know that the greiveing process is unique to all of us.  There is no time limit with this.  There is no right or wrong.  So go with it and let it all out.  In time you will start to feel better.  But time is a factor, like I say, there is no limit.  Take it as it comes, cry when you feel like it.  Yell, scream if you want.  Just get it out. 

Stay strong for your other kids, but be kind to yourself.  You have suffered a huge loss and like I said, there is no right or wrong way to grieve.  It all takes time.

Keep posting, let us know how you are doing.  We are all here for you.

Hugs, Karen

my deepest condolences. jamie

 thank you all for your condolences .. i have looked into counselling however i am yet to find somebody i really want to talk to however i will keep looking. We don't have an answer yet as to why he died he was a happy healthy strong little boy full of beens all the time , this is an extream rollercoaster of emotions and it is confusing to know where and which emotion to try and process first. My other children do counselling with a church based school helper, i worry so much about them at 7 and 6 it is a horrific thing to go through let alone have to " watch mummy trying to save jacob " , and i wonder how they SEEM to be doing so well when i am barely getting by. There are decissions i made in those first few weeks that i know were right but others that i continuously question .... firstly my husband and  I decided to give the children the choice as to whether they came in for the veiwing before the funeral ( my concern was will this mess with their head more or less) i didnt want the last tme they saw their baby brother to be when people were pushing on him and shocking him and putting needles in him , but did i want the last time they saw him to be in a coffin ? I am still struggling with that choice , i will say though as unfortunate as it is they have been around death before (although this was the first "dead person" they sa) and they are rather clued on for their ages.