Am I just Lazy

Hello All,

I am struggling at the moment and although I have gone through a lot and feel much stress in my position, I am wondering if I am just lazy. I have been locking myself away of late and neglecting my job and partner. I don't know wher eto start really, but recently I have lost my Father and I work overseas away from my Family. I come form a big Family and I miss them. I have been away now for over two years and travel is nothing new to me or working overseas.

Things are not good with my partner at the momet. W ehave had a rough relationship. I am irritable at times and I will yell when I am frustrated. I know that there is no excuse for this behaviour but I still don't think that our issues are all my fault. I don't feel her support since my Father's passing and I don't think she has really made any allowance for it. If I bring anything up about my work or frustrations I feel, she says I am just being selfish. I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. I want to show her that I care but that it should be a two way street.

My work is a bit of a mess or at least the finances are. Not so much that the company is not making money, but we rushed things and all the admin backed up to now where we are looking at fines and penalties. I have spent the last week just looking at all the accoutns work I have to do and I just procrastinate. I occupy my time with doing other things with employees that aren't such a priority but stops me thinking about this mess.

As for my Father, and his passing, I haven't spoken too much about it because I don't know what to say except that it saddens me deeply. It has only been recently as in the past three weeks that I think it is sinking in that he is gone. I find myself about to cry at something I maybe watching or a thought that comes into my head. I am being reclusive and am able to do work form my house and I have taken to not going out as I don't want to deal with people ad I dread at the phone ringing as I just think "What Now!"

I constantly waiver betwee self pity and berating myself for not being able to handle this. I just want to curl up in my bed and watch movies to distract any thoughts or outside influence. I am not socially inept and I do try to build myslef up each night and say "tomorrow is going to be different. Going to get into it all and start sorting it out". It doesn't happen and if it does, then it just a matter of time before I fall back into this. I want to feel better and more positive. I can't talk to my partner...I have tried.

I am not a stupid person, and I no I am capable of better things, but I just can't seem to get there. I would like some honest opinions on a course of action and I would appreciate any suggestions

Hi Obliging: From what you wrote in your post it does not sound like laziness at all.  In fact, I agree with Karen that you are probably suffering from depression and grief simultaneously.  You should definately follow the steps that Karen outlined.  Additionally, you mentioned that you are from a large family.  Have you been in close contact with your siblings since your father died?  As you are out of the country I imagine that telephone calls would be quite expensive.  However, are you able to e-mail back and forth to each other or chat in a chat room?  Or would it be possible for one of your family members to come visit you?  It is unfortunate that your partner does not seem to understand you and your feelings at the moment.  However, your brothers and/or sisters may be feeling the same way you are and mutual support could be given.

As far as your tasks, I know you have a lot on your plate right now.  Perhaps you could lower your expectations for yourself at the moment.  Rather than make an infinate task list, perhaps you could pick the most important task and break it down into smaller pieces and try to accomplish it that way.  Also, do you have staff members that you could delegate work to?

Please feel free to keep posting.  We are all family here on this board and are here for you.  Last and most important, I am sorry for the loss of your father.  My thoughts are with you.

Cass