So Sad

Hello everyone, I am new to this site and I m hoping that I can get some understanding to what I have been going through. Im 38 years old and have 4 beautiful children, I have a wonderful and supportive husband and then there's me the negative, sad, insecured always tired and crying. Im so tired of feeling this way and I m sure that my husband and kids are at there ends but I dont know why I feel this way I am on my second medication for obsessive compulive disorder which is doing absolutely nothing other that making me feel tired. Im scared that I m going to lose my marriage  because I dont believe my husband loves anymore and in love with someone else I feel my kids think that their mother is incapable sad person. All I want to do is cry so hard that I can fall asleep and not wake up for a very long while (yes I have thought about suicide but I just couldnt do that to my kids) but Im tired of crying and feel low about myself and I m tired of accusing my husband of things Im tired of life really. I hope that this site will help me a bit on understanding myself and others. I dont even know if I am even doing this right. I have so much else to say about my life but I dont want to bore anyone.

missM,

Welcome to these forums. I hope you find some of the answers you are looking for.

Terri B has a good point therapy is an avenue you might want to try.

as far as not wanting to bore anyone......don't worry about it......sometimes just the typing your feelings out can make you feel better. That's one of the things this place is for. besides who knows, someone might have that perfect piece of information you are needing. feel free to vent or ask questions or just about anything you need to do, even lend a helping hand if you want. reaching out like you have is a good step in the right direction. talking to others is helpfull. sometimes it can take some of the edge off. but i'd think about getting additional help.
insecure feelings are difficult to overcome. that's why some times it's best to get help from someone who is trained to help.

hopefully today is going a bit better than yesterday. take care.......JohnD

missM, I don't suffer from depression I have Epilelpsy.I ha d two sons. my oldest at the age of 20 committed suicide. I don't know if you have insuance if not go to your Community Mental Health.I know what suicide did to my youger son when he lost his brother. You have kids that need YOU. Nobody can take your place as their Mother. Please find someone to talk to. enen a minister at a church can be of great help or if your community has a Womans Resouse Center Try the theapist their. At Healing well you are never a bore. It is a good place to vent. I know this I vent 2 or 3 times a day.Sometimes and it really helps me. Mary

Thank you for everyone's kind response it was such a nice feeling to have people who understand you and dont make you feel like you are some kind of misfit. I dont feel lonely when you have people respond with such care I dont share all my feelings with anyone so I dont have anyone to talk, my family would really eat me up alive if I told them what I m going through(they are the most negative people I know mom,dad, sister. My husband tries to do his best but I know that he doesent understand any of it and Im pretty sure that he is about at the end of his rope. I did see a therapist for about a month and she really didnt help much she almost sounded rehearsed so I stopped. I just made an appointment with a psychiatrist so it is almost like starting over. You know I always try to think back in my young years if there was anything that has made me this way like sexual abuse or drugs or etc.. and I can come up with my neighbor fondling me (female) my brother a few times trying to have me do something he knew was bad and my brother-in law who would cop a feel once in awhile and I think can this be why Im so insecure? High school years was pretty uneventful I didnt have a boyfriend because they thought I was to skinny and I was rejected by the boys I was interested in. I met my husband in the Air Force and we married pretty young and within a year. We were both 19 years old and we were then stationed in the Phillipines, I never trusted my husband since day one not because he was bad but because my father and brother led all their lives cheating on their wives and I just figured my husband would do that too. I smothered my husband and when I left back to the states to visit my family he went out with the boys to a prositiution house and they bought him a prostitute. It took him 4 months to tell me but he did tell me and you know till this day I still cant get over that. I know that we were both young and some how it almost made out stronger but here we are 18 years later and I cant handle the fact if he has any women that are friends or even talks to any of them in a friendly manner it just tears me apart. My husband has been wonderful and yes he made a mistake but he has always taken care of me and the children and continously tells us he loves us. He spends as much time possible with us and always calls to tell me where he is at. Every morning since we have been married he has always kissed me good bye has not missed a day and yet I dont trust that he loves me and that there is someone out there that deserves him not me and this whole thing is played out in my mind and just makes me miserable to a point where I throw up, cry, etc.. Am i sick or what??I tell him that I m leaving him everyday and everyday he chases me down not wanting me to leave and in my heart I would die without him but why do i push him away? Who knows I just know that there is something in me that is not letting me be happy and I just dont know what to do or think anymore. But I want to beat this whatever it is and I know that talking to all of you and your kind responses really make me feel good inside. I dont have many friends and I feel like I am about to make a few. Thank you