Hello there. I just want to start out by saying that I've never even spoken with any therapists or psychologists, so I've never been evaluated or diagnosed with anything. To be honest, I've thought I should be for many years but I've just been very scared of the idea. I'm a twenty year old girl at college. I've always been extremely antisocial. My whole life I have never put much emphasis on friendship, I have friends that I have none for a while, but I can honestly say I don't fully understand friendship. A lot of my problems started when I started dating my first boyfriend.
I've pretty much always felt like something was wrong, every since maybe early adolescence. I've never been able to feel truly satisfied.
I started dating my first boyfriend when I was sixteen. He was dealing with his own depression and emotional instability. It was of course, great at first. He was the first person I could ever open up to and admit that I'm just never truly happy. We had so many long heart to hearts about depression and how we felt, which was a very big first for me. We dated for about two years. After a year or so, it became clear that me being so antisocial had become a problem. I had pulled away from even certain activities that I loved and started getting very insecure about our relationship. I don't know much about emotional abuse, but if I had to guess, I'd assume he was definitely a victim of it in our relationship.
I realize now, what I would constantly do, is get upset about something. I'd get upset about something to do with myself and keep him until four am sometimes fighting over it (keep in mind we were still in high school, getting up at 5 am). I wouldn't feel satisfied until I upset him so badly that he'd snap and yell at me and tell me I was wrong instead of trying to comfort me. I'd constantly threaten to break up with him and then pull him back. I was constantly pushing him away just to make sure I had the ability to pull him back.
We broke up eventually because of obvious reasons. After our break up, it took a few months but I ended regaining a lot of control and was happy for a while. This is around the time I started dating my current boyfriend. When I started dating him, I told him right away about how I was before and how if I ever got like that with him, he shouldn't stay with me.
After about nine months, my "depression" (again, I'm calling it that because I never have been diagnosed it could be any number of things.) started creeping up again. It started slowly where little things would just upset me more than usual. One thing that had always bothered me about our relationship was the fact that my boyfriend drinks. I don't drink alcohol whatsoever but I have never been any sort of "preacher" about the subject, I never even fully excluded the idea of drinking myself, I just never have. But as time went on, it became a bigger deal. He doesn't drink often. Nothing bad has even happened with it. I would end up crying myself to sleep just thinking about the mere fact that he might be drinking. And slowly, I became just as insecure about so many other aspects of our relationship.
I am slowly watching myself turn into the person I was towards the end of my first relationship. I already lost of person to being insecure and unsatisfied. I truly love my boyfriend and I don't want to be putting him through this. I am aware of the cycle I can get into. We have talked alot recently and I've realized that counselling is something that I am going to look into.
Like I said before, I don't know I am depressed, or if I might have some other disorder. To be honest, I don't know if I want to know. I am just wondering if anybody would have any input on this situation. Thanks.