Living with the weight of mistakes.

I have made bad decisions, I have allowed myself to be used in plenty of ways.
I just have to get a few things off my chest.

I have been in abusive relationships. I was trying desperately to leave one man for 3 years.
He was a psychopath. If I stayed he would abuse me, if I left he would find me. I still think he is going to kill me.

Because of him I was urinated on by two RCMP officers and choked and beaten by them.
I have forgiven those who perpetrated that vile act. It has made me a better person knowing that I do not have to live my life getting into trouble like that. The healing process was a long endurance trial. and i still feel the weight of that abuse.

I ran away from my family who was charmed by this man. My friends who slept with him, and him.

For months, if I was alone, I would cry profusely and hate myself for not seeing my potential.

Running away from that was the best thing i could have done, but it was still hard. and so lonely..
He was so abusive. He made me feel so alone and like I needed him. He loved to keep my confidence at a low level.

... I am still bent on this abuse.. I hate myself for letting him into my life.

I should have known it would be bad.. I cheated on my boyfriend to be with this abusive man. I shoudl have known it wasn't going to be good.

then bla bla bla life went on.. and now i am living in my parents house with my sdaughter. I havent lived at home since i was 16 and now i remember why. My dad is an alcoholic making bad decisions that I have to live with..
I am recently trying to get out of a nother abusive relationship.. this one is not physially abusive, but this man is so passively controlling I dont knowhow to arm myself against him. I am jsut wondering why I attract these men.
I am hoping to be selebate so i can find myself. I do not need the type of men that are attracted to me. that is all for now.
I jsut needed to say it .. I just need to get things ofdf my chest. I am feeling overwhelemed with life... there is soo much more that i would like to speak of..

SO MUCH STUFF GOES ON life happens and its hard.

Thank you . I feel its time for me to seek some counselling aswell. I have been doing well being strong for myself and my daughter, but recently the weight of my current circumstances has resurfaced certain unwelcome memories. I am glad I found this website with all of these caring people. It already has made a diffrence.
Thank you jamie for replying to my post:)