Wanting to Switch Off

Hi, I'm new here and just wanted to share my thoughts. I have people I guess I could talk to, but it's not easy offloading my problems onto people who have enough of their own.

I'm 28 and I've suffered depression since about age 12, always been socially awkward, kind of a loner and have weight & body image issues. I was bullied at high school and couldn't really stand up for myself it felt like the whole world was against me - I don't really know how I survived it other than skipping school as much as I could, my thoughts were suicidal every day or just praying to die because I felt so worthless. I guess I was just too scared of what punishment might come after life if I went through with it, and how it would affect my family; however painful it was I couldn't put them through that.

I was so glad to leave school, I thought my problems would soon be over and I enrolled for college and much as I liked the course, I still found it hard to connect with others and motivate myself to get my coursework done. I did O.K. but when it came to the end of the course I dropped out. I felt like such a failure and ended up staying indoors for over a year just not wanting to leave the house unless it was necessary. I got very fat which only made me more reclusive because of the feeling that everyone was staring at me and judging me.

Eventually I pulled myself together a bit, got a few crummy temporary jobs between long periods of unemployment. I wasn't really getting any fitter, but I got a job working long hours with barely any breaks, and didn't eat a lot at home so I shed a lot of weight very quickly. It was the happiest I could remember being since before high school, although I still didn't make any lasting friendships at work. I thought I'd try again going back to college and again I loved the course but I let other problems get in the way. My manager at work was kind of nasty to me, he'd leave me without work for weeks at a time I believe just for his own amusement. I ended up walking out when he didn't schedule me any hours for two weeks running once too many times, i didn't have a contract so there wasn't much I could do.

Then my college work suffered because I had no work to fund materials, and I barely scraped through my exams. I intended to go to university but then I lost a family member who I was very close to, well she was the most positive and wonderful person in my life so I was and still am crushed by it even years later.

I haven't even bothered pursuing higher education, I feel like every time I try to do something positive with my life, I just get smacked down.

Now I'm working harder than I should at an entry-level retail job for a pitiful wage. I just don't think I can deal with it much longer. I actually love the people I work with, but it's the people I work for that gets me down, I can't deal well with authority much less the customers who think it's O.K. to treat me like crap. I get so wound up about work that I don't sleep between shifts sometimes and end up back at work walking around in an irritable daze. I'm sure people think I am on drugs although I don't touch any. A few weeks ago I just broke down in tears in front of my boss, I felt so pathetic. I'm really wondering if the stress is worth a wage I can barely live on, and I'm seriously considering against better judgment to quit whether i have another job to go to or not.

I just feel like I want to curl up in a ball and switch off for a while. I haven't been to my doctor about any of this, I'm worried about prescription drugs or being sectioned. I don't know what to do but all I see in my future is being exhausted, underpaid and depressed or being unemployed and depressed =/

Hi and welcome to this wonderful forum! I agree with Jaimee re: antidepressants. I have taken them for 20 years. I really think they will help you. Please talk to your dr. I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad 16 yrs. ago and I miss him everyday. Take c are and feel free to post-you'll usually get kind, caring replies(which I feel are very comforting). Donna