My name on this forum is loner

Hey navy,
Soryy its been a minute for my reply but Ive been pretty buisy for the past couple of days.Our fishing trip ended up being an all out free for all,by the time we got to the lake it was to hot to fish so we all just spent the after noon swimming and playing around in the water. I got home and was so tired that I ended up in bed pretty early.The boys were pretty tired also so everyone fell out early that night.THANK GOD FOR THAT too.
Went to church last night the pastor there gave me 2 guitars so I can play in church.Pretty cool huh? Im using one for my self and the other I let the youngest use it to learn how to play.He has showed a good healthy interrest in wanting to learn how to play so I m taking some time and putting it aside just for that. You know theres not much time to all that what we want to do, so some times we have to make it and when it comes to teaching the children or taking time with them then we really need to re ascess our schedule and make that time for them. It breaks my heart to see just how many children out there have absolutely no interaction with there parents.Thats a shame too.
Well I had a new add on today, another boy showed up at the house looking for something to do.that makes us thirteen in all.We are hoping for more so that maybe we can get a summer soft ball league started I think the boys would enjoy it. Nothing defnant but we are hoping,
Still no work but that dont stop me from trying anny how, no use in accepting defeat until Im totally defeated, which I will never let happen not in my life annyways.
Well I almost blew it today, had a bad flash back today that almost costed me more trouble than I wanted to buy. Iy happened at a store while waiting in line to pay for some stuff. A man bumped into me well almost knocked me down but when I regained my balance he lookeg at me as if I were at fault then he laughed at me in front of every one in the store.Before I knew what happened I had already snatched that guy up and slammed him on the floor so hard it took his wind.Im afraid if my niece hadnt nsd been there I would have done some real damage to that guy.It took me hours to really calm down enough to even write about it In my eyes he deserved what he got. but Knowing the consequences of my actions could have led to more than what the situation called for now Im struggling with the fact that even though I dont want to be a person of violence like I once was it is still there and Im capable of doing some extreme violence to another person ha really led me to re-examin my life out here. Maybe I dont belong out here,and maybe the second chances are only something to hope for?After what happened today how long will it be until some one really gets hurt.
Ive never fooled myself into thinking that I have a grasp on all of this but it was nice thinking that things could reaaly change.What do I do?hide in a closet and hope no one opens that door?Navy; Iam scarred not only for me but for the people around me.God for bid if anything really bad happens I really dont think i can handle doing time again.I feel as if Im looking at a warning from my future telling my self that what happened today will only esculate to worste problems.And the worste of it was that I actually wanted A good stiff drink today,and this is the main reason that I dont drink now.
I dont want to hurt no one one day I would like to meet a real nice lady and maybe have a relatinship with her,but not like this.Not constantly worrying what tomorrow will bring.
Well enough said I eventually come to terms with this but for now Im a little worried.....Loner........P.S. This is why Im called Loner too.

Loner,

I hope that you don't mind me replying too. Luckily you didn't hurt the guy. Some times we just have to over look the ***holes. I don't mean to talk like that but that is what he was. You did show him though, but it could have gotten you in some serious trouble. It takes a lot to hold your temper, but you really need to do that. Especially on your probationary period. So try to forget it for now. Learn some meditation. It really helps to calm oneself. You are doing good. Don't want to mess that up.

Hugs, Karen

Loner,
       

      I get that overwhelming want to respond to disrespect in a violent manner.  I get that it is instinct.  I know there are times for me that it is very difficult for me not to do violence.  Especially after I came back, was in huge amounts of pain everyday that messed up how I sleep, and was on some meds that cause violent psycholosis anyway, but the thing of it is you know when you need some help. 

       You answered yourself here, you got so upset at someone who bummed into you in line, and then that someone laughed about it.  I mean you know that is not worth getting upset about on the outside. The dude was a dumb***, and everyone knew it.  But seriously man you cannot let him or anyone else get to you like that.  How would you feel if you ended up pounding on him, and then found out he was on some chemo that made him super clumsy, and was on so much pred (all to save his life) that it made him have psych issues?  (it happens medical issues can jack ya up bad, and people who have them can look quite normal)

      Do not allow someone else to upset your calm.  So what if someone laughs at you?  Granted intruding upon your person is a big boundary, but it was a bump, it was not like you or someone else was actually in danger (and that is the new boundary in your do over), and you got to think about what is more important.  AND YOU DID!  I am very glad you did!  This person is not worth the interference with your readjustment process.  Like you said your niece was there and you focus on what she did, said, and looked like in order to get you out of that mode, and you hold on to that, because you do not want to disappoint her or those kids.  Think about the example you will be setting for her children and those other boys?  You got a do over and you know what your proirities are.  

      I can only tell you what helped for me and that was actually getting some professional therapy (granted I had to go thru a few mental health professionals to find one that was a fit for me) and some meds.  Those flashbacks can be real bad, and sometimes it is a daily fight against not reacting to people who piss me off, but I know when I feel that way, I need to disengage, figure out what is causing it, and find a way to chill, and not let it get to me.  It helps if I can recognize my lack of equanimity, and get on it right away it helps alot. 

      You keep your focus on getting and staying in a good mental and physical space.  Glad to hear you are doing that.

Take it easy,

Navy

Loner,
More info is good, and so I wanted to ask you if you think the store got the incident on video? Now I just want to clarify to make sure I understood correctly that is it the guy who about knocked you over left word for you that he wants to see you again? Plus he made a serious threat toward you? The reason I ask is because it will go better for you if you have proof in case this guy decide to do some more. You might actually want to report it (especially since it was tech an assult and he has made a threat, and you have until that store deletes the video, which is usually it is something like 2 weeks) so the police can have your statement, the store managers, and the video. I am just thinking this might be something to do to legally protect yourself and your family. Allow the legal system to work for you rather then against you. (unless you think you are going to come off bad on video)
Sorry I been kinda out of the loop I am trying to finish some papers and pugging away, at the same time my body is not doing so great. Better orthro wise, but crummier cause I think I am moving closer and closer to more surgery. I am around, but there are days when I can only do a sentence or two.
I think that is great what you are doing with the guitar. Research shows that music is one of the most activites for children to do because of how it stimulates their brains, so you teaching him a skill and developing his brain power in a new way as long as he enjoys it. There is certainly something to music therapy!
Good luck with the job search!
Take it Easy,
Navy

Loner,
I can certainly see how children can be overwhelming, especially in the readjustment process. I think getting a job is a great idea, and I know it is a struggle to find one. So please do not get discouraged. After all getting a job is movement toward your independence and building some self efficacy. But until you have a place of your own, please do stay at your niece's, because having a stable residence is good for you. Althought I am sure she probably worried over you not being there last night. I know it is a hard concept (and I usually have my own place as well) there is benefit that family has in your readjustment process and that is smoother socialization process. To say it simplily is that people benefit from the caring involved with family.
Take it Easy,
Navy

Sorry loner got put in the hospital.
Take it easy,
Navy

Thanks Karen. I have very limited access to internet.
Take it easy,
Navy