Open up.1thing at a time...

WOW,

I never even thought anyone would really pay attention to my post. Thank you all!For your comments.It kind of makes me think there might be hope for me yet. I do take MED. for my depression.But I can only take small portions of it at a time,Because Doctors are afraid it well effect my Heart.I have Heart problems and have to keep a close eye on it and watch everything I do.My Heart problems Keep me from doing and being what I really want.When I was 13 I had Heart surgery,Because of that I messed school all the time.And I was always sick.I think thats when my life took it's turn to bad.I never went to school I never learned a thing.And my teachers never held me back they felt sorry for me I guess.So passing school and never had to do anything got me no ware.When it was time for me to go to Hightschool I was so happy because now someone was going to make me do work.But I found out Fast it was the same thing all over.I mad bad grades.I just Had a hard time.Then a group of people who became my friends at the time.Told me I don't need school.I feel right in with them.They made me feel like I was someone.I Knew they were bad but I wanted a friend.But when they asked me to do drugs the way I looked at them changed and I said NO.So they beat me up and left me.My second year of Highschool a new boy came and he was so wonderful every girl wanted him.And he picked me.I feel in love with him in no time.And I felt like I could be anyone I wanted with him.All of the sudden the kids at school were all my best friends and they all wanted to set buy me and talk to me.I LOVED IT.So onenight I went to a partybyfriend.And I was having fun untill he wanted to go somewere me and him could talk.So we did But he didn't want to Talk he wanted me to have sex.I told him No .He got mad.. And said all these mean hatefull things and left.So I went to find a ride to go home but everyone had heard are fight and no one wanted to be my friend again.So I decided to walk. I knew it would take me forever to get to my house but i didn't have a phone and didn't know were to get one to call my mom.so I walked.My now x boyfriend came behind me in his car with a bunch of his friends.He tried to talk to me but he was high and he hurt my feelings earlyer so I didn't stop walking.He got mad. followed me untill there was no houses r people and pulled over,his friends jumped me and they all had there turn raping me.And I Blaked out after 4.I woke up the next day at his house and he was being all nice to me.He tried to tell me that i got drunk and fell down some staries.But I knew the staris could not make you bleed were I was.I was scared so i said okay and acted as tho things were fine.He took me home and My mom asked me what was wrong but i made up a stupid storie and went to the bathroom and showerd for hourse.4 days later.I was still in pain and still bleeding so I told my mom the truth we went to the hospital.Called the police they all said it was consintual and i let them hurt me.They all got away.I had to Quit school.and my life just keeps gettingworse.So I'm 18 can't talk to people.I don't know how to sleep because when I close my eyes i relive that night over and over again.I take online GED classes But that seemes to be getting  no wear.And tomorrow I have to realy go to school at the collage and take a pre-GED test.I don't know how to do that.And the only reason I am going is because I wan't all the people who did what they did to me and everyone who didn't want to be my friend.Be able to see that I am somebody and I know what you did to me but I'm still going to do something with my life.But I'm really sitting here in my room scared to death and trying to remember how you take a test.I try not to feel sorry for Myself.And I  try to seem like I am okay.But I'm not.And Now the doctor tells me I have cancer in my uterus.And they are going to try and remove all of it.But it is spreading fast.So I do need help.And I am so lost .I don't know what to do.But I do feel a little better after comeing out with all that to complet strangers.Sorry if my writing is bad but i can't help it.so pleas dn't leave me in the dark on this one please comment so I won't feel to bad about this.Also to everyone on this community that has a problem with talking to people it works to pretend your talking to yourself.

Ohh Sweetie you've been through so much in such a short time. NOBODY deserves the stuff you've gone through at any age! You're not alone I can assure you. You will find so many others that have had problems if not like yours but similar. Being a teenager is difficult in itself these days. Having heart problems and surgery along with the complications has to be a major issue for ya. not to mention trying to fit in with the other kids. And kids can be sooooo cruel. I have a 17 yo daughter, she's a junior and we've recently moved to a new community and she's had major difficulties fitting in.

GOOD FOR YOU!!!! Saying NO is a difficult thing to do sometimes especially when you're trying to fit in. But saying NO will benefit you when you get older, let me tell ya. And with your heart condition, you never know what you're getting. So that was a very wise thing for you to do.

I have to agree with Ralph, you do need counseling and someone that understands what you're going through to help you get through the dreams and at least some of your fears. Help you learn all over again, someone to be a confidant to ya. You've got us and your mom, but you also need eye to eye contact with someone else. You need hugs and security
((((((((((((( Notears4u2c))))))))))))))
I'm sure your mom is doing the best she can, finding us is a big step...you opening up to us is a major thing for you I'm sure But together we can make it. But unless one's gone through some of the things you have or have been trained one really don't totally understand. We're hear to listen and give our opinions and support.

Keep us posted hun ((((((((((((( Notears4u2c))))))))))))))

Be well hun
~Tina~

HEY! I AM SO SORRY U HAVE HAD TO LIVE UR LIFE THAT WAY. THE PEOPLE THAT DID THOSE NASTY HORRIBLE THINGS SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN LOCKED UP. IT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE THE TOWN I LIVE IN. NO ONE EVER WANTS TO HELP. HERE IF U HAVE MONEY U GET THE HELP FROM EVERY ONE. THAT GOES FOR THE LAW TOO. I WISH I KNEW WHAT TO SAY BUT I REALLY DONT. THE CANCER HOWEVER COULDVE BEEN THE CAUSE OF TRAUMA AND PRODUCT OF UR RAPE. WHICH I THINK OBVIOUSLY DOESNT MAKE PUTTIN THAT BEHIND U ANY BETTER. I WILL SAY HOWEVER THAT U HAVE JUST TAKIN THE FIRST STEP TO PUTTIN ALL OF THAT BEHIND U AND THATS BY TALKIN ABOUT IT TO PEOPLE AND NOT KEEPING IT BOTTLED UP. U ARE SO YOUNG AND HAVE A LONG LIFE AHEAD OF U. UR EXPERIENCES THAT U HAVE HAD IN UR LIFE COULD HELP OTHERS AS U GET OLDER. MAYBE GIVING OTHER RAPE VICTIMS ADVICE MIGHT HELPU TOO. SOMETIMES U DONT KNOW HOW TO COPE UNTIL U GIVE UR ADVICE TO SOMEONE ELSE. THEN IT CLICKS IN UR HEAD THAT U CAOULD DO THE SAME. ITS ALWAYS EASIER TO TELL OTHER PEOPLE WHAT U THINK. BUT WHEN IT COMES TO UR LIFE U DRAW A BLANK BELIEVE ME I KNOW. I HOPE EVERYTHING GETS BETTER THOUGH. I HAVE FAITH THAT IT WILL. U SEEM LIKE A STRONG YOUNG WOMAN, AND I FEEL U WILL GO FAR IN THIS LIFE.
NOW AS FAR AS SHOWING THESE PEOPLE THAT U R SOMEBODY: SCREW THEM. U HAVE NOTHING TO PROVE TO ANYONE BUT UR SELF. SO IF U WANT A CAREER OR WHATEVER U WANT TO DO THEN DO IT BECAUSE U WANT TO NOT TO PROVE SOMETHING TO A BUNCH OF MORONS WHO PROBABLY WONT BE ANYTHING WHEN THEY R OLDER EXCEPT DRUNKS AND DRUGGIES WHO R BROKE AND HOMELESS. OK. SO KEEP UR HEAD UP. AND AS FAR AS GED U WILL PASSS IT JUST GIVE UR SELF TIME. MY SISTER FAILED HER DRIVERS TEST 2 TIMES BEFORE SHE PASSED.LOL. SO I KNOW U CAN PASS! AND JUST WHEN U TAKE IT THINK OF IT AS BEING ONE OF THOSE QUIRKY LITTLE TESTS U TAKE ONLINE. AND REMEMBER IT AINT THE END OF THE WORLD IF U DONT. IT JUST MEANS U HAVE TO TAKE IT AGAIN.LOL