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A very lonely Holiday weekend coming up

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Posted 5/27/2010 7:53 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, it's Aurora again with my usual depression because of a long holiday weekend. My sons will be away, I will be all alone in the house which will be permanent come June, but I just wanted to talk about getting through this weekend. It seems everyone else has plans and I am the one who is always home with nothing to do. Actually I do have plans Fri. night with friends to go to dinner and a play. This is good for me as it will be when my sons are leaving and that is always so hard for me to see them go away for a fun time they will have.  Most of my friends are not around as they go away too. I never seem to get invited any where. I try to think of things to do like go to the bookstore or the garden shop, work in my garden. I can usually manage the days but it is night when I have nothing to do but watch TV or movies. I try to read but when I am so down it is hard to concentrate. I know I should be grateful for what I have and that I do have friends, I just can't seem to shake my depression in the summer.  I am going to see my Pdoc soon so maybe she has some suggestions although I only see her for my meds. She upped my a/d med last time and it does work. I am fine when I have enough to do and people to talk to. It is 10 PM at night that is so hard. There is no one to talk to or say good night to. I don't know if this is true or a factor in my depression but someone told me that having alcoholic family members can cause one to have depression. My mother and 2 sisters were alcoholics and I remember how hard it was on me. My mother and oldest sister have both passed away and my other sister will have nothing to do with me but that is OK with me because she is very mean. I would be interested in knowing if anyone can say if there is a connection between this disease and depression from having lived through the hard times of the alcoholic behavior. I think I really need some support right now, I am so sad and feeling so worried about my future.

Aurora

Posted 5/27/2010 8:37 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Aurora,

I had an alcoholic mother and two sisters and they have all passed. I do think that it can have something to do with your depression. And not to mention fetal alcohol syndrome. My mother was drinking and taking pills when she was carrying me and got me drunk when I was just little so that I would go to sleep. Good mother eh????

And not to mention what you go through growing up. The emotional stress of it all. The fighting, and drinking. My mother stopped drinking, but was into pills after that. She was a paranoid schitzophernic and manic depressive (bipolar). So she was very hard to live with. But I made it, and don't have to deal with her anymore. I had cut ties from her in my early 30's. I had to. The stress she caused me was making me physically ill. I ended up being a diabetic and having to check my blood sugar everyday. But eventually it has all been diet controlled. But I haven't had the stress that I was having before.

I am sorry that you will be alone this weekend. Try not to anticipate the worst. Maybe it will turn out okay for you. I am glad that you are going out with friends on Friday night. I have no plans for the weekend. Normally everybody would be mushroom picking, but they are done already. We had a very early season this year. That was cool because it was good for the locals. We have many tourists from other states that come to pick our wild mushrooms. So I am kind of glad that they were early this year. Though sad because I would still be going out in the woods if they weren't. I can still go for walks though with my dogs.

My DH is rototilling the garden today. It is the first tolerable day in five days. We had heat so bad that you couldn't stand it. Our thermometer said in the mid to upper 90's the other day. It was so hot and humid. But I plan to plant a few bean plants this year. Just enough to eat out of the garden or to cook up with a couple of meals. I like the french filet beans. They are really sweet and good steamed.

Well, I am rattling Aurora. Par for the couse for me. I haven't been on the computer much because it was too hot in this room. But now it is more comfortable, other than an occasional hot flash, and I am able to sit here longer.

Take care,

Come on the forum this weekend. Like I say, I don't have any plans, but that doesn't mean that we wont go and see the grand kids. I barely make plans, usually spur of the moment. lol... Otherwise I would probably stress about it. hahaha...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/27/2010 9:28 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Karen, amazing the things we find out when we post our problems. You obviously know what it is like growing up with someone with alcohol problems. I have finally realized now why my mother was so abusive to my sisters, who both became alcoholics. I was the good child, very well behaved and never did anything wrong, got good grades, was very quiet. I escaped the abuse by being good.  My mother was even abusive to her mother, my grandma, who was the kindest, sweetest person ever. It broke my heart to see the way my mother treated my grandma. I think I must have a lot of baggage that I don't realize from all this and maybe that is what is adding to my depression. I will talk it over with my therapist but I think I might try going to an Al-Anon meeting to see if this can help me. I am trying not to think about the weekend, at least it will start out good on Fri. and I will just see what develops. I know what you mean about the heat. It is overwhelming.

Hugs,

Aurora

Posted 5/28/2010 4:22 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Aurora

I am fairly new to the forum and after a bumpy start I am regaining my confidence to both post and answer posts.

I wanted to say to you that I can relate to the alcoholic parent, I remember from a very young age having to stand up between my parents, trying to protect my mother from being bashed by my drunken abusive father. He wouldn't come home on pay day which was usually Friday until very late into the night and would have put his wages through the poker machines and drunk heavily and consequently have no money for food for his 3 little girls and wife for the rest of the week. This continued throughout my life until I left and got married to my wonderful husband at 19 (I think as well as being totally in love it was to escape the abuse going on at home).

I was also the black sheep of the family, had to grow up fast, be the substitute mother to my two young sisters so my mother could work but of course I was never allowed to be a little girl. I was made leave school early and when in my early 20's, my mother told me to go to TAFE (night school) and finish my education, whereas she had put the younger two through a top private school and now one is a school principal and the other a practising accountant. I battled my way into the workforce and stayed there until 2005 when I retired, but during those years because of my lack of education, I had to fight for every promotion I obtained more than anyone else with a good education had to. I think all that baggage follows you through life, how could you not end up being depressed. I think I have been in and out of depression most of life, but sadly I am much in it at the moment.

My father died in 2000 but the scars he left won't heal, but my mother loved him to the day he died. She is still alive but speaks about him like none of it happened, completely in denial.

I am sorry you don't have anything to do on your long weekend, but as Karen said come onto the forum as there are posts to answer. I find it really is helping me by being able to add my 2 cents worth, if you know what I mean?
Posted 5/28/2010 1:29 PM (GMT 0)
AURORA, mum tells me that my father, pre and post veitnam was a very savage alcoholic. he was a medic, did 4 yrs. seen too much, experienced too much. apparently hit it real hard on coming back. 3 wks later was taken away by the navy shrinks. spent 4 yrs straight in an institution for returned men, dx, schizophrenia. i am, after many years, have been advised that i am genetically predisposed; not to alcohol, but the inherent mental illnesses. jamie.

i do not know my father.....well, except for me....that is!! he was a smart man, but dumb with other things. i wonder if he is still with the living? jamie.

Posted 5/28/2010 3:26 PM (GMT 0)
I never knew my father either, maybe it was for the best. I had a wonderful grandfather though and had him until when I was about nine, he passed away. But he did influence my life some and that helped me to survive my mother though.

Aurora, my mother use to beat up my grandmother too. Drugged her up and took her money. I didn't understand it at the time as I was young. But I see it for what it is now. Luckily she is gone now and I don't have to live in fear. She scared the hell out of me.

I hope that all of you are doing well and Aurora, I will probably be on the forum over the weekend. Not sure. But as of the moment I have no plans. Though I don't usually make any anyway, I just let things happen as they may. But I hope that you aren't lonely. Try to think of some things to occupy your mind. Maybe some crafts or reading. Or go to the library or coffee shop. We don't have those things here, but there is a small library and a small diner. Better than nothing I guess.

Take care all.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/28/2010 3:56 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Harrington, Jamiee & Karen, thanks for your replies. I can see that you all know where I am coming from having experienced the same as me.  I have fun plans tonight but for some reason today I am extremely lonely. I will see my sons for about 10 mins. this afternoon while they pack up the car to leave for their weekend. I guess I am focusing too much on when my son goes away this summer to his program and then won't be living with me when he returns. I keep asking myself why I ever decided to do this but I know it is the best for him as he needs to be independent and learn to live on his own. It would have been way to hard for him if I was no longer around and he didn't have the skills to make a life for himself. I am just feeling so down about the whole situation and wish things had turned out differently years ago. But I can't change the past. So I guess I will have to learn to live with this and I suppose I will get used to it. I just wish I could be more rational right now and not focus so much on being alone. I would be fine if i could sell my house now and move to the retirement community but that is at least a year off. So here I am trying to figure out how to survive. I think I will try to attend some Al-Anon meetings to see if that will help me. It is so hard at my age to meet new friends. There just aren't any social activities here to meet people. Karen if you are around over the weekend I will come on and tell you how I am doing. The first day when my boys go away is always the hardest for me. Thanks all for your support and for trying to help me. Please keep in touch, it makes me feel better.

Aurora

Posted 5/28/2010 4:10 PM (GMT 0)
Aurora,

You are doing the right thing by helping your son to become independant. And I am sure that he will come and visit you a lot when he does. So try to remember that. But this is a huge thing for the both of you and I can see where you would have some doubts. But believe me, this is the best thing you could ever do for him.

It is so hard when we are lonely. I remember when my first husband died. I was lost. But I made friends and ended up getting married seven years later. So things do work out for the best. I am happier now than I have ever been in my whole life. And you will be too. You will make friends and have good times to remember.

I hope that you are having a good day today Aurora. You too Harrington. I am going to sign off for now and watch my soap opera. It is coming on after the news. What a fast life I lead!!!LOL...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/28/2010 4:35 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Aurora , Sorry your feeling so down , but try to focus on what you have to be thankful for , its sounds like you have a lot . Friends to go out with , sons to enjoy and talk to , all we ever have is this moment right now , live it fully and try not to worry about a moment that may never come .I didn't like being alone either , until I forced myself to do it . It was scary and lonely at first , but I started painting and took a course in veterinary asst. to help neglected animals , studied meditation  also . Now my time alone is very fullfilling , I still get scared sometimes but remind myself this is a thought not the truth and I am the thinker not the thought . Take a breath and calm myself . I hope this helps in some way , best of luck to you . Mikel 
Posted 5/28/2010 6:39 PM (GMT 0)
Just wanted to pop in and say hey MIKEL99. Haven't seen you for a long time. It sounds like you are doing well.

Take care all

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/28/2010 9:44 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Mikel99, Thanks for replying to me. I know I have a lot to be greatful for. But sometimes it is hard to see beyond the problems when you are as depressed and lonely as I am. I am doing what I can to keep up with friends and I did sign up for 5 seminars - just 1 afternoon each but maybe I will meet someone to start a friendship with. You are probably much younger than I am and you may have better coping techniques than I do. I would be interested in knowing how you handle a situation when you are all alone and have no one to talk to. Any advice would really be appreciated. I am looking for a part time job but they are few and far between where I am. And some places may think I am too old. I know they are not supposed to discriminate but when they can tell you are over 50 they don't want to hire you. It's too bad because I am very dependable and don't have to worry about young children getting sick and not being able to get to work. I do volunteer work at my local senior center and that is rewarding. I just don't know how to handle the times I am alone in my house. I have never lived alone before. I lived with my parents and right after college I got married. And even though I am divorced (27 yrs) I still had my children with me. And I also took my mother in for 10 yrs when she couldn't live alone anymore. My oldest son, 36, lived with me because he has epilepsy and was afraid to be on his own and I never really thought about it until this year when I realized he needed to learn to be independent. So that is why he is going away for the summer to a program that will teach him all the skills he needs to be on his own. I am really rambling here but it helps me to get all this out of my mind. And also look for answers from anyone who has ideas. Thanks for listening.

Aurora

Posted 5/29/2010 5:51 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Aurora,

I come to the forum off and on, and had just been thinking of you last week and wondering how you were. It's good to see you posting again.

I read what you wrote about growing up around alcoholics. My dad was a dry alcoholic (quit drinking but still had personality issues etc.) Brothers also drank too much. It left me with a sense of abandonment and aloneness. I think these kinds of things really do affect us into adulthood but it doesn't mean we can't overcome them.

AA has "adult children of alcoholics" which might help give some answers and also provide a strong support group.

With being alone, I find that often I am able to reframe these times from feeling alone/abandoned in the world, to opportunities to nurture myself. I will do something that is nice just for me. Getting a favorite herb tea and book to read, or a nice long bath. Learning to receive peace from the silence, by focusing on the wind in the trees, or the lack of stress in the moment etc. I think I read that you have a belief in God, so if you can focus on the fact that you really are not alone in the truest sense, maybe that could also help? It does for me.


And keep posting here of course. :0)

take care, embers
Posted 5/29/2010 10:05 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Manyembers, it was so good to hear from you. I am finding more and more people who had family members with alcohol problems. It can really cause one various problems as with me my constant depression.  I have found 2 Al-Anon meetings in my area that are for adult family members of alcoholics. I think I will try to go to both groups and see which one suits me the best. I think I may learn a lot and who knows what friendships I might find. But mostly I want to learn how to help myself cope with what I went through years ago and let go of these demons that i am fighting.  Thanks so much for remembering me and answering me. It's so good when we can help each other.

Aurora

Posted 5/29/2010 10:37 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Aurora,

Are the Al-Anon meetings this weekend? That would break up some of your time. I am finding too that others have plans this weekend. But I like being alone so that doesn't bother me any. People seem to get together with families. It would be nice to see the grandkids this weekend, but I am not sure what they have planned, and I am too tired now to find out. We went and did a little garage saling today. But I didn't see anything that interested me. It is hot again today and there are these big flies out. They land all over you and there are a lot of them. So I have been trying to stay inside. I don't know what kind of flies they are but they sure are annoying.

I hope to take the dogs for a walk around the block when the sun goes down. There is a base ball game coming on in about 30 minutes and I do plan to watch that. When it is over it is pretty much my bedtime. I use to stay up way late when I was working afternoons. But now I go to bed terribly early. But I do love mornings and I like getting up a little earlier. We are suppose to go to breakfast with some friends who are up from the city. They stay in campers and tents when they come up. It is really cool because they are kind of on the river and they see an eagle every morning fishing.

How did your evening go last night? I hope that you enjoyed yourself. It is always nice to get out with friends. I love to, but I have a hard time getting myself to go anywhere. Even the garage saling got to me and we only stopped at two of them. I think a lot of it is this heat that is going on. They keep saying it is going to cool off but it never seems to do so. Oh well, at least it isn't winter and snowing three feet.

I hope that you have a lovely evening.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/30/2010 1:49 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Karen, I am managing my weekend very well I have to say. Last night was really fun. 3 of us went to a Greek restaurant and then to see the play "A Street Car Named Desire." It was very long but so good. We have something here called Writers Theater and me and the other 2 gals get season tickets. We have been doing this now for several years and it is a wonderful way to get out and do something fun and we always go to dinner first. And tonight another friend of mine suggested we go out to dinner so we did and that was great. I hadn't seen this friend in some time and it was so nice to catch up. The Al-Anon meetings are not this weekend. but the head of one of the meetings has offered to meet me and discuss the program with me on Mon. afternoon. He is a counselor and said he would be glad to give me a free session to find out where I am coming from and to see which meeting is best suited to me. And then my boys will be back Mon night so I will fix dinner and my son who lives with me will stay and my other will eat with us and go back to the city to his apt. I think I will go to a couple of garden shops tomorrow. I am looking for a new bromeliad and also a plant called a mandevilla. It is a beautiful plant with lovely pink flowers and it climbs. So that will be a fun afternoon. I know you enjoy being alone but you are not really alone as you have your husband. But I can understand your desire for peace and quiet. Thank you so much for keeping in touch with me so much. It helps to come on the forum and see I have replies from all of you. I hope you have a great rest of the weekend.  Try to stay cool!

Hugs,

Aurora

Posted 5/30/2010 2:15 AM (GMT 0)
Aurora,

I love both of those plants. I had them when I had my floral business. I had a mandevilla that climbed on top of my greenhouse. It was so pretty. I was looking at some red ones at Walmart last week and almost bought one, it was only 10.00, but I don't know if I would take care of it well over the winter. I use to bring them in and they would be good until the next summer and then I would put them back outside.

I know that I am fortunate to have my husband, but I am a home body and he isn't. He does a lot around here, but I am home alone a lot. Though I do have that secure feeling that he comes back. So I know what you mean. I is tough, but we will help you get through the weekend.

Take care Aurora,

Hugs, Karen

PS Did you ever see a passion flower? They are beautiful!!!
Posted 5/31/2010 6:28 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Aurora,

Just wanted to say I hope you are having a good day and that your week-end is turning out to be not too hard.

We had holiday week-end here in Canada last week-end. T'was long and boring.

You are really doing a lot to of pro-active things to bring positive things to your life. That is very impressive! I hope you continue to enjoy friendships and having your son's over too. I applaud you for looking into the A/A groups and seeking to get to the bottom of things with your feelings of lonliness etc. Good for you! Takes courage and you sound like you have a lot of it! I just feel happy as I type this - seeing how you are taking steps in spite of battling depression. You are truly coming out on top of things and doing good with your life.

Take care,

embers
Posted 6/3/2010 2:08 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Siobhan, Thanks for the reply. I am feeling pretty low. I think it is going to be this way for the next week until my son leaves. Once he is in Fl and is settled I will probably start to perk up. I hope. I would love to shop with you but it would have to be window shopping for me because my finances are pretty tight. If you don't mind I just may email you. That way we can correspond easier.  Thank you for the offer, that is generous of you.

Many hugs,

Aurora

Posted 6/3/2010 9:42 AM (GMT 0)
MINE IS ALWAYS open TO YOU AS WELL AURORA. JAMIE.
Posted 6/3/2010 3:11 PM (GMT 0)
Mine too Aurora. I think you know that. I hope that you take some of us up on our offer. You could use some extra support right now.

You will get through this.

We will help you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/3/2010 3:53 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you Karen, I will take you  and the others up on emailing. I really need more support and if I can correspond directly that will be good for me.  I am seeing my Pdoc today for a meds update and to talk over things. I am hoping she can adjust my meds so I don't have such terrible stress and anxiety. It has gotten so bad I am having a hard time even eating. Yesterday I had 4 crackers, some milk and half a hamburger without bun. So I guess I am in a bad way. I usually have a good appetite but food just makes me naseous. So I will email when I can, especially after June 9 when I will then be alone.  Thanks again so much for your kindness.

Many hugs,

Aurora

Posted 6/3/2010 4:26 PM (GMT 0)
When my first husband died, I was alone by myself. I didn't eat either. I let food spoil in the fridge. But I was fortunate to have a friend (my now husband) that would cook and make me eat. He didn't like to eat alone and I guess that I didn't. I wish I had the experience to tell you what you could do to get yourself to eat. But this might be something that you are going to go through until you actually do get hungry. Nature will take over I guess. I hope.

Remember that we are all here for you.

Hugs, Karen
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