hello..
I am new on this forum..My emtotions are torn up because of what has happened/what I have done. Last year after a hysterectomy, I went into a very deep "depression;" I didn't eat much, didn't go out, didn't pay bills, didn't wash..lost 45 pounds..stopped takingmmedication. After 6 weeks of this I got up one day and told my mother (we live together) that I HAD to. The whole thing makes me sick to think about. I left with that intention, but could not do it..I'm not sure why.My mother said she was glad I hadn't done it... Two weeks later,. Now I have severe organ damage. Looking back, there was NOTHING subtle or at all 'typical" for me in that terrible blackness..I was depressed and withdrawn, yet at the time I could not even see it, and I don't think I was even aware of the fact that I was depressed or that was not something I should be thinking of. I was far gone and detached from myself. I don't think I had much self awareness...
I have found out that I am bipolar and was misdiagnosed with only PTSD..I feel enormous guilt for what I have done. I come from a family where "issues" aren't well tolerated--never have been. I am aware that my mother was aware of my, and that she and my sister actually discussed it
with each other. My sister says she became frustrated because I would not help myself. My mother said she just didn't think I'd actually go through with it. I feel guilty, yet also I feel hurt because it seems as if when I became my family gave up on me. I am sure I did not or would not have believed it back then, but of course I know it now. Am I wrong to feel that my family could have tried to intervene? Is it selfish? I realize that if I had not survived the at least temporarily, I would not be able to look back and wish that someone could have helped me. I read so much about the selfishness of persons who ...I honestly did not do this in selfishness--I had NO thoughts except darkness--and if asked I probably would have said that my family would not miss me. Now I know that this was the depression...Yet I am confused by the relative "indifference" of my family...It seems almost as if they just left it up to fate. Believe me I KNOW that the is my own fault and no one else's..I am an adult and responsible for my own actions regardless of my mind state. I think I am just sad to
look back and see that there was time and opportunity to at least TRY to help...I was quite literally almost a zombie for a month--going from 125 to 85 pounds bythe time of the . I am so sorry to go on for so long...I just feel horrible for doing this to my family and to myself--and I am troubled by my own feelings--did I even DESERVE to have anyone try to help me? I have trouble accepting that my mother could have watched that and not at least tried to intervene somehow---yet I know that I am an adult. Maybe I just WISH that someone had seen my situation as an illness and not a character flaw/weakness. I've had depression before but it was never like this...I hope that someone will give me an opinion...
Thank you for letting me "vent" a bit..I truly feel as if I have "lost" my self --no one feels the same about me, and I don't feel the same about myself...yet I just keep going..I feel badly, and quite ashamed that I have brought this onto my family and myself, and that I needed help to get help--if I ccould not help myself, I would not get help, and that's exactly what occurred.....
I hope that someone will give me an honest opinion..believe me I
will take whatever criticism/comment you may have..I just need feedback and I know it's difficult..It's been a tough year.... Thanks...
I am sorry but we are not allowed to discuss suicide on this forum. Thanks for your understanding.
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 6/5/2010 8:31:20 PM (GMT-6)