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Was I ever out of my depression?

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Posted 6/25/2010 4:22 AM (GMT 0)
I was in a long distance relationship for two years. It robbed me off many things from myself to my family and my friends. I had and maybe still have lost myself so much in it,that at times I don't know if it's my own reaction or it's the reaction I convinced myself of for making the guy I was with happy. He left me for another girl,on one of my trips to his city. Also my grandfather who I was really really close to had a sudden death.It hit me really bad,and I was in depression and I would. I was under a psychiatrist counselling along with medication. I would have trouble sleeping,or would wake up in the middle of the night screaming and crying. We did continue my counselling,but my parents stopped it,saying I have to come out of it alone.

During this time my best friend of 5 years,helped me cope with it. Somehow we ended being together. However I would still cry all alone over my ex,but never ever felt like cheating on my best friend.
Not only caz I owed it to him but also 'caz I could never ever think of it. He however would act like I didn't need him,which to be very honest I did. It was two long years and I couldn't so easily become his and just act like nothing happened. For me I was hurting and crying. He being a working person hardly had time for me. We do talk 15 mins a day,and somehow I felt at that point for me to ever come out of my ex,was not being so alone all the time. We would have terrible fights and he would always disappear for like days,caz that's how he deals with his anger.I on other hand would cry and feel much worse,caz it just added to my pain. But I would still have sleepless nights,and lethargic days,I would  and even at the mildest touch during sleep I would wake up screaming and crying.
At one such point,I dunno what I was thinking I made out with someone. However even during that sometime I couldn't do it,I do kept thinking about him. It was a disaster as the guy said I was a kid and couldn't do anything. We didn't have sex caz I couldn't come out of my shell. Also during this time I was on my depression medication,and I have blanks in my memory of the time I was on the medication,I dont remember things and parts of my memory are completely blank.
I went back to being with my guy,never ever mentioning it,and he continued to be sometimes really harsh to me. It's just his way.He would say mean things about my career being on stand still,and my past and how utterly negative I was.
We broke up eventually.


However things changed after we broke up,we started acc. getting emotionally closer to each other. To the point that now we are like one person. We understand each other,give each other space,time and love and care. I mean everything is really good now,and we hope for a future. But what I did while I was with him,eats me up.It's giving me sleepless nights. I know him that he would never forgive me for it whatsoever. I'm torn in between losing him forever or keeping it within me all my life. I love him alot. He means alot to me. But he would never ever forgive me. I feel terrible inside of me.

(Somehow at the same time I realized that I was over my ex. I mean though it didn't mean I had forgotten him,it just mean't that I had accepted his absence in my life. I even today maybe it sounds cliche but wish him a happy life.)

Even today I'm not even attracted to anyone else,I don't check out guys or even give attention to anyone even looking at me. I feel naturally committed to him. I always have,but I don't know what made me do that horrible act. I wish there was something I could do.
I regret and hate myself for it. I know myself that I would never ever do something on those lines ever in my life. But what about whatever I did. Should I tell him and hurt him and end this forever? Or should I keep it in me even if it hurts me and love him and be with him?

How do I stop this?

Please help me. I feel shattered. I don't want to fall back in depression.I feel so weak. I can't sleep or eat. I get breathing attacks.

Please do read forum rules as we are not suppose to talk about self harm.  Thank you...

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 6/25/2010 8:31:38 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 6/25/2010 10:22 AM (GMT 0)
Hallo Siobhan,
I'm so really grateful to hear from someone. It acc. made me feel abit stronger. I'm really sorry for talking about self harm,I would make sure to not repeat it again.
I always felt responsible for my grandfathers death,'caz it was for me that my entire family had gone to my ex's city. Even in the last day before he had a cardiac arrest I was always locked up in the room,not talking to anyone and just coming out for my counselling. (all this long we were in my ex's city as my grandfather was a judge and he had some work going on).I wish I wouldn't have just cried over my ex and spent those days with him.
about my ex,the thing that shattered me was just a day before I left he and me were talking and we do made plans for months about my trip. On the night I was travelling his phone was busy and the next day he met me,he said he didn;t want me and I wasnt good enough until later he told me that he was in love and i should not ruin his life,and go back.
The guy I spoke about last,well you are right he was really stressed out and prolly also we both weren't back than to be together.As I think of it today,I surely wasnt back than,I was just out of a abusive relationship and I didn't really know who I was and what kind of relation I wanted. I was caught in between crying for losing someone I was with for long and someone who matters the most to me in the world.
Over this period I have grown to love him,I have seen that we acc. accommodate and adjust to one another. It's I would say this way when we were together we were like two trains running on different track,but now we are together and we are running together.maybe all we needed was this jolt of losing each other to acc. realize things. The transition from being friends to being together didn't go well with us,and now that we are acc. taking it slow I see it happening.
My other problem as I mentioned was that I ended up cheating on him.....which really messes me up caz I have no clue why I did so.....otherwise I never ever even bothered about men or their attention to me.....but at that one point i just goofed up,I was terrible caz I kept thinking about the guy i love. It's been months,and I'm still unable to cope with myself. It's like for me after my break up till a month or two back was some kind of a hazy ride where I have blanks in my mind of my actions.
He is very important to me,but I know that I was going through a hard time dealing with my breakup and being with my best friend and I don't really think I can make anyone even remotely understand that that's not how i m. I'm honestly blank about my own behavior.
Now the thing that bothers me is should I or should I not confess this infidelity to the guy I love? It makes me feel sick but I also know I'm way better now and I wont commit such a thing again. But I don't know I have never hidden or maybe even in my previous relation I could never keep secrets and that let to almost most of the problems.
I know that once I confess this prolly I would feel abit better but it would hurt him n me all our life. I really need advice over what I should do?

about my counselling,I was on this medication.....as I mentioned earlier during my usage of those medicines I have blanks in my mind,it's like I can't remembers bits of my memory or entire days or entire conversation,meetings. The name of the pill was LONAZEP !

Thanks alot for reading about me and replying me. It really means so much to me.. It's like having someone who isn't judging me.

Thanks alot.
Posted 6/25/2010 12:57 PM (GMT 0)
Has this guy truly changed? Does he treat you well now? These are big concerns of mine as you talked of your situation.

Also, concerning telling your boyfriend about what you did by cheating - here is how I feel about it. You are obviously very sorry for what you did. If you are sorry, than you are forgiven. It's time to forgive yourself and move on. I don't see where telling him about this would make anything better for you or him. You were going through a lot at the time. It could actually cause you more depression in telling him about this. But, of course, the decision is yours to make.

As was told to you in other posts - please go back to your counselor. You need some help, and there is no shame in that.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You are human - we all make mistakes. Take care of yourself.
Posted 6/25/2010 2:40 PM (GMT 0)
Hallo myjoy,
Thank you for responding to my post.

I won't say he has changed,it's just we both have started understanding each other alot better. Initially it was never like we were in a relationship,we never spend time talking to one another,or ever express ourselves to each other,it would just be awkward between us back than. It was alot like we were best friends for so long and suddenly the relation between us was different,and we were lacking the intimacy between us.
However now,we acc. feel for each other. We adjust and give each other time and space and I dunno it's just pretty good,the way I guess it should have been earlier.
It's would be also a very selfish decision for me to go and tell him,caz we both have been through so much in our personal lives and for once we both are having one thing in our life going well......for my conscience I could go and tell him and we would never ever be together. But the fact is that I love him and I know I would never ever do something like that again in my life to anyone. It is not me to cheat someone,even under the worst situations. Hence,I feel guilty that the one person closest to me,I cheated on him.
See I'm sure you see how I'm really battling with this. It's a decision to chose between keeping one secret and being with someone who loves me and who i love.....and telling it and losing everything in one go.

I cannot start the counselling alone as I don't earn.....And my parent won't listen to me. I feel very cooped up inside,like somethings tearing me apart. I still at times despair over the sexual abuse I was in during my childhood,done by my own cousin brother. It just feels horrible..... I feel like a burden to everyone with the emotionally needy person I'm. Even right now as I type I feel like I'm just a person with alot of problems and I'm bothering people with it.....

:((

Also I mentioned earlier I get really breathless whenever these thoughts start clouding my mind. The worst breathing attack I ever got was in a train back to my city where my nails do turned purple.Since than it's been recurrent the breathlessness,a feeling like I'm suffocating. it doesn't go away.

hope to hear from you soon.....

Post Edited (annie.d12345) : 6/25/2010 9:14:13 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 6/25/2010 5:22 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there,

If this situation is bothering you that much, you might need to tell him. If it is causing the anxiety attacks. Then you will be free of the attacks. But if you could put it out of your mind, that might help too. But remember, it might continue to bother you.

I always think honesty is the best policy. But that is just my opinion.

I hope that you resolve this soon.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/25/2010 7:27 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Karen,
The thing is that I really love him,but back than I was really messed up and we both weren't sharing a right relation.Though it is no reason for cheating,I really feel terrible and guilt about it.But I can't think of being away from him,this thing will shatter us forever. I really don't know what to do.
I was hoping to listen to mylove,and give myself a chance.....As I know I would never do such thing again,however the time at which I did it was something I really regret and also messy for me.....I have to decide for both of us. And in any way I would be selfish,caz if I tell him it would be only to get rid of my anxiety and if I don't tell him it will be only so that we never go wrong.
Awaiting your feedback
Posted 6/25/2010 8:39 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Annie,
I've got a brutal migraine so I'm not sure whether someone already pointed this out, but there are free or very low cost counseling options available in most communities. Although some services have been reduced due to the economy, in other places services have actually increased because people realize that depression becomes more common during tough economic times.

You might check out www.nineline.org. They have a search tool on the left hand side to find Mental Health help in your community. Some services are free, others are offered on a "sliding scale" -- meaning based on your income. Since you don't make any money right now, they might be willing to see you for $1-2/session. I've worked with a counselor who was on a sliding scale in the past. Usually I would bring $5 to each session, but if I couldn't afford even that for a session or two, the counselor would still see me.

wishing you healing,
frances
Posted 6/25/2010 10:27 PM (GMT 0)
Annie,

I think that if you come clean with him, so to speak, that it would take away a lot of the anxiety that you are suffering. And it wouldn't be selfish at all. But would it destroy your relationship? Is it something that the two of you can work beyond?

Do you think in time that it would quit bothering you? Or are you that ridden with guilt that you would suffer with this for a long time. Being that it didn't mean anything to you, you didn't continue or have a relationship with it, I think you would be better off forgetting about it. Is there any way that he could find out about it? If not, I would try to forget it and move on. Since you feel this would destroy your relationship with your boyfriend. If it was a long time ago and didn't mean anything, I think it would be better for you to put it behind you and move on.

Like I said before, though, I feel honesty is the best policy in these situations, but if you think he wouldn't forgive you, that is a different story. It probably isn't worth the discussion of it.

I know I am probably confusing you more than anything. And I don't mean to do that. But I see that this relationship is pretty important to you. But I also see that this is eating you up inside. Take it one day at a time. When the time is right, you will decide whether to tell him about it or not to.

Best wishes to you Annie.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/26/2010 9:03 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Karen,
Firstly thanks alot,you are really helping me get clearer with the situation.

He is very very important to me,and so am I to him. The circumstances in which my mistake occurred (I don't want to justify myself caz I really believe and know I was wrong) were when I was barely out of my break up,and he too wasn't around much as in we were continuously on non talking terms for weeks. It was maybe the time I needed him the most.
Though the thing that happened was very uncomfortable for me,as even in that time of a few hours I was really cold to the guy and unresponsive. Hence for that one thing I know that not even once did I budge from my feelings for my boyfriend. Weirdly even in those moments I was wanting to get up and leave but I dunno why I didn't....
It would destroy our relationship forever if it ever came out.And no there is no way he would find out,as I'm no more in touch with the guy he was a friend n it happened just once and the guy lives in a different state altogether.

I really love my boyfriend alot and I'm really very sorry for my mistake. I dunno if I could put it off me that easily but,I feel that it's the only way.

I'm really scared.
Posted 6/26/2010 9:06 PM (GMT 0)
Hi frances

We don't get psychiatric counselling in my country at a low cost. I could never have counselling without my parents help. Anyhow thanks for reading through my post.

take care.
Posted 6/26/2010 9:49 PM (GMT 0)
I think that since you were kind of broke up at the time, that I would try to forget about it and move on with your boyfriend. I don't want to sound like I am trying to get you to be deceitful, but after all, you were kind of broken up. And like I said, it meant nothing to you, and was long ago. (I think it was long ago). If there is no way he could find out about it, that is even better for both of you. Why hurt him now with it when it could destroy your relationship? And you would get hurt too. I think it best be forgotten. I hope that this helps.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/28/2010 10:02 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Karen,
I'm really grateful for your help.....It's helped me clear my mind. I have decided to let it go,try and forget about it and instead of ruining my relationship by my mistake,to work on never to commit such a mistake again,and making sure I work hard on myself and my relationship.
I really love him alot,and the very fact that I do feel guilty about it made me realize that never ever did I emotionally cheat on him. I know it's going to be hard to live with the burden of this secret,but I guess that's the price I have to pay.
As of now I'm at home as I have had a surgery,but I'm sure once my university starts and I too get busy things would start fading away.
i'm really touched by your support.
Thanks alot.

Love,
Annie
Posted 6/30/2010 4:26 PM (GMT 0)
I'm feeling really embarrassed to post again....but I don't really know where else to go,who else to talk to.

Yesterday I was clearing backlog from my account and letters etc. from my relationship of 2 years,the one I spoke about at the beginning,the one from which my current boyfriend (back than my best friend) helped me get out of.
I suddenly felt thrown back in the past,I don't know why it moved me so much. Does everyone feel that way ? I mean I'm sure I love my boyfriend alot but I don't know why going through the backlog made me really low.
Am I being a sadist and pushing myself to being depressed. I'm feeling so desperate,everytime I'm a bit happy I end up thinking negative things and questioning my worth in front of my boyfriend (not to him but to myself) which pulls me down.
I'm feeling disgusted that I'm unable to make myself happy and keep pushing myself to pain. I know everyone says it's my fault and I have to suffer,but I don't enjoy it ! I really want a way out of this.....
I feel like going back on my pills so I can't think much and just sleep it off.

I think I'm going mad. I really love my guy,I don't want my negativity to go to him,hence I can't even share all this with him. We are in a long distance,and he has alot of responsibilities,I really don't want to share this pain and problems with him.
Posted 6/30/2010 6:46 PM (GMT 0)
You don't have to share this with him. You can share here. It does a lot of good just to write things out and even more so to get opinions of others. I think you are beating yourself up for no reason. Leave the past in the past and move forward. Even throw those old letters away to help you.

I am sorry that I didn't answer your last post, I some how missed it. You sounded really good and you seemed to know what you wanted to do. Now that this has happened you are questioning yourself again. You are a lot stronger than you think you are. You are just on a slight downslide and you can get yourself back up.

It must be hard to try to put on a happy face for your boyfriend, but this way he isn't worried about you. You are a very consciancious (sp) person, I can see that. And if telling him the truth would make you feel better, than maybe you should do so. But I really don't think that you did anything that wrong to worry about. It takes time to get through this, so go easy on yourself.

Put the past out of your mind. Nostalgia brings things back and I think reading those old letters did it. But you are in the here and now at this time, so try to stay mindful of that. And you will feel more at ease.

Know that my email is always open if you need to talk. I think that this is only temporary and that you will be feeling better soon.

Take care, keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/30/2010 9:43 PM (GMT 0)
I feel burdened by the secret .... But I love him so much that the one thing that I did would make him hate me forever whereas I regret it and it meant nothing to me. I feel like I'm the spoiler.....
about the letters I did get rid of them but it brought back alot of memories to me..... It reminded me of the way he hit me and left me bleeding on the hotel room floor in a city I had no idea about. It hurt me to see the love and concern and possesiveness in those letters and than bham ! A completely different painful event ! I remember being on the floor begging him.... It's been a long journey for me since that day. And today that I have started feeling for Someone I have become a negative dark person . A horrible cheater.... I hate myself.
Who do I prove my love to when I myself am disgusted by my actions....
I can never ever tell him about it..... I'm so scared.... I'm losing my calm.
Everything is crashing on me when intact things are pretty smooth, I know it's my own thinking ! I just keep thinking n than end up with sleepless nights....
Posted 6/30/2010 10:00 PM (GMT 0)
The only way that you are going to break free of this is to put it behind you. Plain and simple. Just do it.

You are torturing yourself for no reason. Is there something that you could do to distract yourself from it? Find something to take your mind off of it. You can do this, you have the power. Just make the committment.

Keep on keeping on.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 7/1/2010 10:39 AM (GMT 0)
I'm trying to but it feels abit dark inside me but I don't really have a option do I !
Why am I so negative ? It shouldn't even matter to me when I know it meant nothing at all,yet I feel dark. Even when I make peace with myself the moment I don't have something to do I'm back to thinking negative things which pull me down all the more.
Is this depression? How do I convey to anyone that I want help !!!!
Posted 7/1/2010 10:42 AM (GMT 0)
Ps- Karen could I write to you personally ? I'm unsure if I'm allowed to....
Posted 7/1/2010 3:24 PM (GMT 0)
Siobhan is right, send me an email. I will answer you back. I know that you are struggling at the moment. I know that this is hard. But I think you are getting better hon and that is a good thing.

Keep posting and yes, email me.

Hugs, Karen
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