My thoughts

Hello,

I know I am depressed, I have been since I was sixteen, and I'm now 22. I have extreme difficulty trusting people. My few friends are spread out over the world, and I haven't seen any of them in almost two years, as I am abroad studying. My sister does not understand any of this, I rather think she finds it silly.
I had lots of friends once, but I did the stupidest thing possible and started to have feelings for one of them, and he completely cut me out of his life when I told him, so I decided since then not to ever tell anyone if I liked them.
I wish I could find someone who liked me, but that seems impossible when I can't trust anyone. I never stopped liking people (which is hopeful) but then they've never really liked me back. Nobody really shows any interest in me, and I wish I knew how to be interesting.
My self confidence has taken a huge beating through all of this, and I don't feel like there's anything I can do to become successful in life.
In my head, I'm not even 22, I feel 57. The years seem to multiply, not pass by gently.
I have wanted so many times to end my life, but I don't have the guts, and it would break my parents' hearts and my sister would be upset. Besides, I don't stand for violence.
I really need someone to talk to, please don't ignore me. I swore I wouldn't take medication ever again, they alter my mind and don't allow me to be myself at all. Without them, I feel like my mind is surrounded by high walls with no way out. I can't go on from day to day without thinking about all of this.
I don't feel normal. I really don't, everyone I know manages to find love and to support themselves on their own, and I'm just a major loser who fails repeatedly at all of these things.
I thank you all sincerely for your patience and kindness in reading this. I had to come here because when I browse through my phonebook to see if there's anyone I can call, there really isn't. There are only tons of numbers and names, and nobody I can talk to.

Thanks.

Hi vrx9522,

First of all, welcome to the depression forum.  You seem to have a lot going on in your mind right now, and I suggest that you try to slow down your thinking process to let yourself catch up. 

Secondly, cervical cancer isn't always sexually transmitted.  So don't blame your grandfather for something that he might not have done.  He may not have been unfaithful to your grandmother. 

Thirdly, not all medications cause you to feel loopy.  Many of them make us think more clearly.  You may have just been put on the wrong med.  So think about talking to a doctor and get back on medications.  Let them know your past experiences. 

I am thinking that it would do you some good to get into counseling.  Many of us here are and it does a world of good.  I think you could possibley change your perspective on life and that it would help you a lot.  It does us good to talk to an objective person most times. 

You are still very young.  You have a lot of living to do.  And you say that you have friends but you don't hear from them much.  But that is how it goes.  I am sure that you will hear from some of them in the future as they are getting their lives sorted out.  People get busy and don't keep in touch, but if they are good friends, they don't forget you.  And in the future they will look you up.  So don't get discouraged with that situation.  If a person has two good friends in their lives, they should consider themselves lucky.  Friends, good friends, are few and far between.  And that is the truth. 

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.  We all do care about eachother here and like to know how eachother are.

Hugs, Karen