Happy Tuesday everyone

So I guess I should say I hope you had a happy day.
I was very stressed today. I nearly lost my wallet and Walmart thought I was shoplifting. I ended up smoking a pack today and it calmed me down but I wont be doing that again. I got an email from my husband which means he is alive. Which I find to be a good thing.
I woke up early because AC repair men were in the house and I can't sleep with strangers around.
When I move I will be visiting a doctor. I would do it sooner but my mother has cut me from her insurance and the Navy insurance hasn't started up yet. I've never trusted doctors to be honest. I don't trust many people either way.
This is the part of my post where I tell you more about me.
Growing up I was isolated from other people. My world revolved around caring for my family. I was taught very early how to cook, clean, change diapers and other house hold chores. The moment I grasped how I was the one set to do them. The same for my younger sister and brother. There came a point where the adults never did any house hold chores. My parents were gone all day and night leaving me to care for my sister and brother. Thats not easy when your only five. Its even harder when your father comes home and screams at everyone. No matter how hard I tried he would always find something wrong with what I did. I didn't clean up enough, I didn't pay enough attention to my siblings etc. He would yell and say that I had no rights and he could take everything from me. I lived in the fear that he would carry out his threats and lock me away in my small room. I can't say much about my mother. All she ever did was watch T.V. and work. She never paid attention to us children and fought with my dad whenever he was home.
Eventually they divorced when I was about eleven. My father had custody of all the children and my mother then became a part time parent. Suddenly I had to take on every responsibility my mother had when she was around. My father became even more absent and angry. He yelled more, threw things and put many holes in the walls of the apartments we stayed at. All I could ever do was rush my siblings into their rooms and hope he didn't seek them out. I let him yell at me and lecture me. I took the blame for whatever happened unless he knew they did it. I lied every chance I could to protect them and myself. It got to the point where all I did was lie to him and every other adult. I've worked hard to stop doing that. I know I don't have to anymore but I'm afraid of people. It's not easy to trust even when your not afraid.
Thats enough for tonight. My bad day made me think of all this stuff so I thought I would share. Its easier to do things like this, online where there is no face or name. I don't feel the compulsion of lie if no one knows its me speaking.
So thanks for reading this even though its a bit long. Thanks for caring and wanting to help a stranger. I hope you all find a reason to smile everyday. I'm trying to.

I can't believe that your parents left you home alone with your siblings when you were five.  Where were their heads?  I am sorry that you had such a scarey upbringing.  But you are older now.  I recommend counseling for you.  It would help a lot.  YOu can then seperate the child from the adult and get on with your life.  Live for you.

Hugs, Karen