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Posted 7/17/2010 4:28 AM (GMT 0)
i just can hardly stand it any more.

i got some really awful news today. really awful news. and i tried to tell someone what the bad news was but they misunderstood & got mad at me & it's just sent me over edge.

i am trying so hard to get my life together but it just seems not to matter at all. this was not even remotely within my control & it's going to totally ruin my life & i won't be able to do anything except basically breathe if the bad news comes true. i can't go back to living like that.

i just wish things didn't suck. every time i seem to start to feel like there's hope, reality comes crashing down on me & i see there is no such thing as hope.

plus after i got the first round of bad news, i found out it was even worse than what i was first told & so basically all hope is lost. how ever many days are yet allotted to me are bound to be filled with more misery that i have known so far ... and i have had my share. i just hate people and hate life and hate the whole injustice of the universe.

i can not stand it any more.
Posted 7/17/2010 7:20 AM (GMT 0)
i truely am sorry for your bad news. karma has a weird of coming back. i send you my strength and compassion. if there is anything i can help with i will. you have gone thru a tonne of crap, surely some positives will filter thru. sending you love and healings. if you need an ear pls e-mail me. hoping the sun shines bright for you soon, with compassion, your friend, jamie.

Posted 7/17/2010 2:37 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Frances,

I don't know what your news was but it must have been horrible.  I am so sorry.  I wish that there was something that I could do to make it better. 

Please try to hang on,  these things have a way of working out.  Let us know what we can do. 

Hugs, Karen

Posted 7/17/2010 5:31 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Frances, I am so sorry to learn that you have received such bad news. Would

it help to share something with us so we can better be able to help you? I feel so bad knowing you are in this situation. You have done so well pulling yourself up and out of your past difficulties. I wish I could offer you some hope but please know you have my support and if there is anything I can do to comfort you please let me know. It hurts me to know you are in such despair but please know that you are in my prayers. Keep posting as I believe it helps to come here and get the support of all your HW friends. I would be glad to email you if you would want.

Please try the best you can to take care of yourself. There will have to be a resolution to your problem and then maybe you can share with us.

Many gentle hugs,

Aurora

Posted 7/17/2010 10:19 PM (GMT 0)
Aurora,
Thanks. I can't post it here b/c I already posted in another forum & they thought I was politicking or advocating or something like that. I wasn't doing that at all. In fact, I don't even have an opinion on the issue b/c it's so incredibly complicated. All I know is that fair or not fair, it really sucks for me. And basically my life is over barring some kind of miracle in the next 10 days.

And I'm just really struggling a TON with the whole thing b/c probably what's good for me is bad for most other people & I've tried a lot through counseling to not feel like I need to take all the worst abuse in life b/c otherwise someone else will have to take it. I don't want to get too into it, but growing up if I took a beating, my sister was spared and sometimes I think I over-apply that experience to the rest of my life. But it seems to hold true with this very bad news I got and the whole thing just really has hit me hard. I have to wonder who out there had to suffer whilst I was having a good few months. I think there's a balance in the universe that way & I was trying not to think of it but now I can't help but think of it.

I'm just really stressed out & have been thinking a lot about death lately & I know that never leads to anything good b/c the thoughts just keep getting worse until a few months later I'm trying to do dumb things. And part of me doesn't want to get there, but part of me doesn't even care & part of me does want to just go to that dark place where I'm all alone & no one cares.

I'm debating whether to call the women's pastor at my church & see if she'll come visit me. I can't really go to a counselor for more than a session or two b/c even if I could find one for free I'm not going to be able to get out of bed pretty soon so there's no point. But technically the pastor has a degree in counseling so maybe she'd be good enough. I just don't know. I know she's busy & I hate to put a burden on her when I don't even matter at all. idk
Posted 7/17/2010 10:57 PM (GMT 0)
Frances,

Get these thoughts out of your head.  Don't even go there.  You are a good person and don't feel guilty for when you are happy.  If I am reading it right, you feel in order for you to be happy, somebody else has to suffer?  That is not true.  We can all be happy. 

I hope whatever is going on works out for you.  Please do keep in contact.  Try to keep things together.  Know that we all think so much of you and want you to be happy.

Hugs my dear,

Karen

Posted 7/17/2010 11:10 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Frances, I am so sorry that things have turned so badly for you. I think you should go ahead and call the pastor and see if she will come to visit you. I don't think you will be burdening her. She would probably be glad to come and help you in any way she can. I don't know what you are going through but I do know you need help. And it is not true that if you take abuse you are saving someone else from it. That is not the way things work. And if you talk to your pastor about this she will tell you that what happens to others is just what happens and has nothing to do with you having to suffer in order to relieve somone else from a problem. You need help now that you are in such a low frame of mind. There are many good things to live for and you need someone to talk to so you can see how your thinking has become so clouded. Please, call the pastor. I can think of no other way to help you as I do not know what is happening.

Hugs,

Aurora

Posted 7/18/2010 12:18 AM (GMT 0)
Frances-

I don't know what has happened but I second the opinion that you call the pastor.  That is what they do...serve people, help to give solace and hope.  It sure can't hurt.

I can hear your pain and only can say I know the pain.  Not yours exactly, but you are not alone.

Even when you want to give up fight that.  I have to fight giving up every day.  It is not easy  by any means. 

Best wishes to you.

Rose

Posted 7/18/2010 1:25 AM (GMT 0)
i don't know what the point is. I finally get offered a job & find out I can't accept it b/c I have to be able to, 10 days a year, lift 40-60 lbs. and be on my feet 10 hours a day. Well, that's not possible with my medical conditions.

and now i get this bad news that roughly means no more medical treatments of any kind, no more medication of any kind, nothing. i've never actually been in prison, but i imagine it must be something like my life was before i got any kind of help -- trapped in one room all day, unable to get out of bed to open the blinds or use the washroom, needing others help to bathe, get dressed & everything. and once i got that help, it was just so i could go back to being imprisoned on my bed -- a pointless exercise except that it did help lessen the number of skin infections i got. i couldn't follow a conversation, couldn't do any work & most of the time i couldn't even read the simplest book or magazine article. my family resented me -- and i don't even like them so the fact that i had to depend on them for basic personal care sucked.

i fought so hard to get that under control. i fought to get my thyroid healthy & to start thinking positively. and now i find out that i'm going back to living in a dark cave of stench and squalor. i can't take that idea. and i hate the thought of having other people (even a pastor) see me like that. it is so degrading. it's hard to imagine death would be worse. i could maybe try not to give into the depression, but what's the point? eventually i'll lose my thyroid meds (though i'll lose my pain meds almost immediately) and telling someone not to be depressed while hypothyroid is like tying someone to a moving car & telling them not to move. the whole situation is just beyond hopeless.

god i hope i haven't said anything that people will think is political in this post. if i have, please just revoke my membership b/c i can't take one more person rejecting me. i already feel like the entire world hates me.
Posted 7/18/2010 1:45 AM (GMT 0)
Frances,

Do you think you could get medicaid or something that they call a spend down?  Have you got ahold of the department of human resources?  They have help for low income people and I am sure that you would qualify.  Have you signed up for disability?  There has got to be something that can help you.  Sometimes if you contact the drug manufacturers, they will help you for a while.  You need your medications.  I really would to to the dept. of human resources and see what they can do to help you.  Demand their help.  And don't leave until you get some. 

I hope that things work out for you Frances.

Take care hon,

Hugs, Karen

Posted 7/18/2010 3:56 AM (GMT 0)
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

JAMIE.
Posted 7/18/2010 11:15 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Frances, I have been thinking about you and wondering how you are managing. I hope you called your pastor. This will bring you some comfort. I know you have a job but have you checked with SSI to see if you qualify for disability?

You may earn to much for them but its  worth trying. It was a good idea to check with your dr about getting free  samples of your meds. Many drs do this for their patients. Also there are many drug companies that offer assistance to someone as yourself who takes their medications. Have you checked into any pharmacies that offer a generic med at a low cost? There are pharmacies that have plans that give you meds for $4 a month. So please see if you can find out. I know we live in the same state but I do not know how to help other than what I have suggested to you. You were in my prayers this morning at church and will be always.

Hugs,

Aurora

Posted 7/26/2010 11:30 PM (GMT 0)
Karen & Aurora,
Thanks. I did check with DHS but I don't qualify for any sort of programs.

To top it all off my idiot mortgage company decided not to notify me about my last court date & got a judgment for foreclosure against me. I'm not unhappy about the foreclosure itself, but rather the fact that I was given a 90-day redemption period instead of a 30-day redemption period (which is standard, but I would have argued for a 30-day one b/c I don't want to keep paying condo fees for 3 more months if I can help it -- I want to move away from this nightmare) AND, worst of all, they are allowed to pursue me for the next 10 years to try to get the $100K difference between my loan & the amount it will sell for.

God help me, but I just can barely keep it together. My heart is beating so hard & I can hardly breathe from all the stress of this. I want out of here because I just keep alternating between thinking about wanting to rip all the sockets out of the wall (no, I don't think I'd ever do it but gosh I'm so ANGRY right now I can see why people do stupid things like that) and wanting to tear all my hairs out (actually, I might do that).

I'm trying to figure out how to get to work in the morning without taking the El because I know I need to keep away from dangerous things when I'm feeling so angry and depressed and furious and scared and 500 other emotions all rolled into one.

It just seems like every time I start to feel like things are finally turning around for me, something goes horribly wrong & I just wonder what the point of it all is. smhair

I totally don't have the hundreds of dollars it would cost to go see a psychiatrist (I'm still paying one off from a few years back & a counselor from last year -- I just have to keep switching providers & all that does is add to my guilt) but the stress of this all may land me there anyways. What is wrong with me?! Why does the universe hate me so much!!!

This stupid nightmare with the bank will mean that I still have to pay them over $100K more over the next 20-25 years, which works out to mean I paid $22K/year to live in this stupid nightmare condo and it's going to haunt me for what likely will be the rest of my life (medical condition means short life). I was always okay with living to 55 or 60. It seemed old enough, but to now face the rest of my life paying for a condo I'm being evicted from & that made me so miserable nearly the whole time I lived here is just crushing. How horrible must I be to have to carry that weight around forever?

Plus it means that all those psych ward bills from a couple years back that I put on credit cards -- which I thought I could pay off within the next 2 years -- will not be paid off for at least 10-11 years. Every time I get the bill I get angry again b/c there was no reason for what they did to me. They knew my TSH test was way high, but they put me on a/d meds anyways -- making me worse, landing me back in the hospital where they gave me more a/d meds, making me even worse, and so on until finally my hair fell out & my dermatologist said I needed to be on meds for thyroid. Turns out that's what I needed all along [and maybe something for anxiety sometimes, but definitely thyroid & depression meds don't mix]. So I have to relive that every time I open my credit card bill. Now that's gonna be for at least another decade.

Guess I won't be putting anything behind me. I will just live in hell for as long as I'm on this earth. mad cry
Posted 7/27/2010 12:58 AM (GMT 0)
Dear Frances,

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this turmoil.  This just doesn't seem fair.  I just isn't right when bad things happen to good people.  That that is exactly what is happening.  I can't remember but have you talked to a lawyer about this?  Can you claim bankruptcy?  There has got to be a solution to all this.  I probably wouldn't even pay it if it were me.  That is what I did with a bunch of credit cards.  I got sick with fibromyalgia and I lost my business.  So I just quit paying them.  I settled one, went to court on one (they never showed up), and the rest I just didn't pay.  They never did anything to me.  I owed over 25,000.  And I just plain forgot it.  I didn't even think of it anymore.   I didn't have any wages for them to garnish.  But I don't think that they can do that.  I don't know about mortgage companies though.  But if you can't pay it, you can't pay it.  That is the bottom line. 

Try not to think about what happened in the past.  I know that you have to live with it, but think of it as little as possible.  I am talking about the medications and what not.  I know that it effected you, but that is something that has to change on it's own.  If it does. 

I wish that there was something that I could do to make everything all better.  (((((Frances)))))  I guess I can send a virtual hug.  Say some prayers for you.  Tell you that it will be better.  I do believe that.  But hearing that right now may seem so far away for you.  You are going through a hard time.  I hope that coming here helps.  Know that we all care about you and want you to be happy. 

Hugs, Karen

Posted 7/27/2010 1:42 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the virtual hug.
Things just really suck right now.

I am working with an excellent attorney. I don't qualify for bankruptcy b/c the new job I start next month I will be making too much. I maybe could try to keep my evil home, but I hate it more than anything in the entire world. Sadly, everything sucks & I may be forced to either continue living here, paying a boatload of money in mortgage fees b/c on top of my regular mortgage (which combined with taxes & condo fees is half my take-home pay) I would have to pay a portion of my back due mortgage, the fees for the bank to sue me & court costs & late penalties (to the sum of $15K, yes I got the bill ... it really is just shy of $15K).

My condo is way, way under water. There are all sorts of problems with my building. My downstairs neighbors sell prescription drugs & beat their children loudly (not that it would be okay to beat them quietly, just saying I can't sleep at night). The police are here multiple times a week. The whole family is in & out of police custody, psych custody & semi-voluntary hospitalization. They tried to break into my house earlier today [I was resting & heard my doorknob rattling; I thought it was a realtor, but then I see my dimwitted neighbor running downstairs as I'm unlocking & opening the door]. I could call the cops, but they don't do much & it would just make my downstairs neighbors escalate so I'm not really willing to report it.

God help me. It should not be like this.The mortgage people never used to continue harassing people after a foreclosure. The judges wouldn't let them. But now things have changed & shareholders are all up in arms about the .001% of idiots who go on the news & brag about how the walked away from their home even though they had $300K in the bank and pulled in a six-figure income ... just because it seemed like a good financial decision to give up one home & buy another for way cheaper, which they turn around and flip. So they lose a little bit on home one, but turn around and make a fortune on home two (and sometimes home three if they get a really good deal). So now the banks -- well, around here anyways -- claim they have a fiduciary responsibility to pursue people after foreclosure. And the judges in my county & one other in the state are allowing this insanity. Yes, it's legal; it just sucks. My goodness, I've already lost my $35K downpayment, plus all the principal I paid. My credit is totally destroyed. I can't even RENT anything without someone else signing for me. Even if it's WAY, WAY below my income level & I give them a triple deposit. It's absolutely insane. And now to top it off I have to pay for a crappy evil home I hate.

Maybe, maybe I could have sold it except my hateful downstairs neighbors have driven some of the potential buyers off with their screaming & such. The one just turned & walked away before they through the building door. My idiot neighbors were wielding knives & threatening to kill one another (they didn't) and understandably the buyers decided to put the key back in the lockbox & drive away. So even if I decided to stay here, not sleep & be afraid of what they will do all the time (and sadly, the rest of my neighborhood is really nice), I still wouldn't be able to sell this place a year or two from now.

It's 90 minutes each way to work, standing on a bus. I'm sure you can imagine what that's like for someone in chronic pain. I want to move for that reason alone -- on top of all the others. I've applied for a handicap placard, but twice a week the streets are closed for cleaning and then whenever it snows 2" they are closed and if it snows at all they are closed either that day or the next for clearing. So all those days I would have to take the bus.

I'm just so stressed right now. My lawyer is working furiously to try to see if there isn't some sort of miracle he can pull out. People don't understand how expensive counseling & medications are. Each med costs me $150/month. Then I pay 20% of my medical bills, plus I now have to pay $450/month if I want insurance. How on earth that doesn't qualify me for bankruptcy is beyond me, but my lawyer is literally the best for filing bankruptcy & pretty far up there for foreclosures. I'm sure if there's some sort of Hail Mary maneuver that can be pulled off, he'd be the one who could do it. It just seems like everything is against me right now.

frances
Posted 7/27/2010 2:17 AM (GMT 0)
My gosh Frances,

What crummy neighbors.  I am sorry that you have to live with that.  It would drive me crazy.  We have loud neighbors and dogs barking, but nothing like you have.  Though it does drive us nuts sometimes.  Especially the dog barking.  But to have the neighbors so close and with all that is going on.  Too bad the cops don't bust them and put them in jail or something.  That would be enough to scare anybody away.  Too bad you couldn't schedule the people looking at the house when they are gone, but they are probably always there.  I suppose. 

You sound to be handling this well.  I am glad about that.  Though I am sure that it isn't easy dealing with all that you are dealing with.  That is a lot of pressure.  I hope that your attorney comes up with something for you.  Keeping you in my thoughts.

Hugs, Karen

Posted 7/27/2010 2:29 AM (GMT 0)
Dear Frances, I know you are overwhelmed. I don't know where your attorney is getting his information from but your job should not disqualify you from declaring bankruptcy. You mentioned the EL so I think you live very near me as I know all about the El and have taken it many times. There is legal aid available in our city. There is also Northwestern University law school who will provide students who can research and offer legal advice for no cost to you.

Something just doesn't ring right about what you are being told. I am assuming your new job does not offer health insurance. There are pharmacies such as CVS and Walmart and Costco that offer $4 prescriptions. Can't your dr. give you samples of your meds to help you out? I know there is an answer for you it's just that you haven't found it yet. If your condo is in forclosure already then you do not owe them anything. And there are several different

types of bankruptcy. You need to find out what there is. I know of people who

own very expensive homes who are allowed to declare bankruptcy without

losing their homes. They are allowed to get out of their credit card and other debts. I really think you need to pursue legal aid or the student lawyers. The students will work very hard for you. It may even be part of their program to help with pro bono work. I think your attorney is not giving you the right advice. Also have you called the Social Security Administration? I know there is a way to fix some of these problems, you just have to really look carefully into this. I truly wish you the best. I will say prayers for you. Please don't lose hope, keep your faith and I think you can

work this out.

Many gentle hugs,

Aurora

I have something else to add. You say you have medical bills. Have you filed for medical hardship with the hospital? I had to fill out papers because I couldn't pay the expensive bills. The hospital and dr offices reduced my payments by 95%, which means I only had to pay 5% of those bills. I know this is hard on you but there are ways out. If the bank forcloses they are just scaring you that you have to pay the difference. I have never heard of a bank making you pay anything if they foreclose on you. Foreclosure means you don't have the money to pay them. Please, please call legal aid and the law students. I think they would be appalled at the way you are being treated. And I truly believe they can help but you have to make the effort to make the initial contact.

Post Edited (Aurora60) : 7/26/2010 8:39:58 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 7/27/2010 1:54 PM (GMT 0)
Aurora,
I checked with the bankruptcy court's website. Once I start my new job I will make more than the $45K cutoff. If the people you know were keeping their homes, then they were filing Chapter 13 reorganization. They get a lower interest rate & only make a single payment each month instead of cutting a check for each creditor. Unfortunately, my primary problem is the mortgage. And I want OUT of this evil home. I don't want to keep it. Chapter 13 is when you have 3-5 years to get caught up on all your debt. That would be fine for my credit cards. I was planning to pay them off in that time anyways, but the issue really is my mortgage. I am $100K+ under water. I've talked to my bank & Freddie Mac. They said that in order to get a workout plan (which I don't even want), I need to get a room renter for $500/month and hold a second job. My last renter stole from me, didn't pay rent after the first month & flooded my bathroom multiple times because she wouldn't use the trash can. It was a nightmare. She also turned out to be a cutter. It took me two months to get her evicted. It was high drama & I don't want that. And holding down a second job with my health is pretty impossible. I tried that before when I had a full-time job & I ended up losing my real job trying to keep up with that & the side job.
So, after the 3-5 years, then the bank still has another 10 years to pursue me for the debt (anytime you make a payment, the clock is reset).


I know that works for some people. They want to repay their debts, they just can't afford the high interest rates & such. I have a 0% rate on my one closed credit account and a very low rate on the other. Once my home is foreclosed, I won't have to pay interest on that, just the principal. So the financial aspect of it is not the primary problem. I COULD repay the loans, it just means that I will have to live a long way from work & commute in which makes my back worse. It means that my car which is on its very last leg will not be replaced. It means my very expensive pain meds, which will not be covered under my new insurance for my condition because it's an off-label use, would not be affordable. The generic without insurance costs $1200/month. I checked into Wal-Mart & Walgreen's and a bunch of other options & none of them cover my pain medicine at all (even for the on-label use). I've tried all the alternatives, but get severe hives or breathing probs from all of them -- pain meds are all pretty similar.

Addictive pain meds are not allowed to be given out as samples. I could maybe get samples of the Valium though. That's a good idea. Thanks!

I was really, really dumb and paid the hospital bill with my credit card. If I had known at the time that there were other options, I wouldn't have done that but what's done is done. So those bills are on credit cards. And for now I have a low rate, but that's expiring soon. It will go up, but I will try to talk them into giving me something not too, too high.

But basically things are just super tough. $55K is a lot of money. I do understand that. But when the medication you need just to be able to get up & go to the washroom is not covered by insurance things get really tough. I don't think there's anything similar to Aflac for medications, but I'm going to look into that.

I don't know. It just seems like the whole world hates me & that I don't belong.
Posted 7/27/2010 2:25 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Frances,

you do belong in this world.  You make it a better place.  Things will get better for you.  You may have to struggle for awhile, but I know that this is going to work out.  Hopefully your attorney will find something to get you out of this. 

Never give up.  You are a special and strong person.

You are valued here.

Luv and hugs, Karen

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