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Posted 7/22/2010 2:50 PM (GMT 0)
Hello, this is my first post and first time trying to get support on-line...I'm a 22 year old mother, who works 40hours a week to support my daughter and my long-time boyfriend (yes he is the father) since he has been out of work since my 2 year old was 3 months old. Before I get into my depression nowadays I think some background would be helpful maybe...

I've had depression since I was 13. My first love turned my world upside down when he left. I was no longer the happy, outgoing, smiling girl I once was (my grandmother cries because she says she misses that girl). I started  and didn't stop until I was 17 or 18. I was diagnosed with manic depression, anxiety, borderline personality and my mother has bi-polar disorder which is something I think I've inherited but couldn't bear to be diagnosed...I tried medication when I was in my teens and they all made me very suicidal, and now I am trying medication again...but I feel my personality changing, I'm changing and I no longer am happy with anything in my life...except my daughter, but on some days even her face isn't enough to chase away the darkness...and that makes those days worse.

Recently I've gone from a person who dealt with my own problems by pushing them down and helping everyone but myself. I hate my job, I stopped college because it was just too much stress. With my boyfriend out of work, we live with his parents (who have said horrible things about me and I do not feel at home here, I have no home it feels like), and I struggle financially since I work as a cashier, same job since I was 16 and they refuse to give me advancement opportunities to help support my family better.

I no longer enjoy my old friends and even my feelings in my relationship are starting to unravel. I've been with my boyfriend since we were 14...and he's my best friend. I no longer want to be with someone, I want to be all on my own. Not have to deal with anyone's issues but my own. Breakdowns are more prone, I've had 2 major ones in the past week. My boyfriend tries to help me, he holds me while I cry and tells me that it will be alright...but I feel inside that it won't be and I am afraid of hurting him...but I hurt all the time now and nothing ever seems to get better. I don't seem to get better, no matter how hard I try to stay positive.

Life has given me a lot of strife, but before I could always keep moving...now I have to drag myself to go anywhere. I feel I am broken inside and that it will never be the same... Thank you for any support and advice.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 7/22/2010 3:32:55 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 7/22/2010 4:02 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there,

You've been dealt a difficult hand as of recently it looks like. I can totally relate to the family history with depresion and all sorts of other illnesses...mine is like that too. I'm glad to hear that you're trying medication again. That's a good start. Depending on how long you've taken the meds now, it could be the drug hasn't had enough time to work it's way through your system enough to make a difference in how you feel quite yet. They usually say "take this for six to eight weeks" or something along those lines before you notice a whole lot of improvement, or any at all. If you still feel "off", try another med. Obviously, the way you feel without meds is not ideal, so it's probably best to stick with it.
Another comment-- pushing your problems and feelings down to protect other people, like your daughter or boyfriend, is NOT helping anyone. I suggest facing whatever your struggling with or hurting about and talking it out. If you can't talk to them, call someone you feel comfortable with. You say you don't like your old friends anymore, get out there and meet some new ones. Perhaps that will take you out of this "funk" you're describing. I would hate to see you keep sinking into this depression. Your daughter and boyfriend I'm sure want you to be happy--think of them. Keep going for them too. Obviously you come first...so maybe it's time to get out there and do something by yourself. Perhaps an old hobby or interest you used to like, but now don't take part in anymore?

Keep your head up hun, we're here for you. It sounds like your lacking a decent support system besides your boyfriend right now, so keep posting. It's helped me cope, hopefully doing this helps you too.

--Che
Posted 7/22/2010 4:08 PM (GMT 0)
Hey SugaSweetie,

It sounds like you've had a rough time the past few years. From an outside perspective I want to ask you if your boyfriend has been trying to find work? Trying to support a family at your age and being the only one working can be extremely stressful. Both you and your boyfriend should be putting in equal amounts of effort. I know that times are hard and work is scarce, but jobs that are less than appealing to your boyfriend may still be around. If he can do anything to help alleviate some of your hard work, then I recommend you have a conversation with him about it.

I understand how you feel being surrounded by darkness. It is okay to have bad days, but it's not okay to let them destroy you. I found that in addition to medication, I exercised. Yes, it may be time consuming, but get a stroller for your daughter and go for a jog. It'll boost your endorphins and you'll be doing something productive that will make you feel better afterward. Another way I cope with my depression is going out with my husband. We don't have to spend money to make me feel better when we go out. It's summer, so a walk or picnic in the park can pull me out of things. It's good to get more sunshine too as it can brighten your day. Make sure you're getting the recommended amount of Vitamin D and are eating healthy too. The healthier your body is, the healthier your mind will be. If none of these recommendations are for you, then start a diary. It helps give you time to reflect on things and transfer your emotions to paper. Creative writing is also a good way to release your feelings... These are just a few alternatives I have for you that have helped me feel better.

I admire how strong of a woman you are and I know you will pull through this. Times get tough, but we make it through them and better our lives for the future. You have a wonderful family that loves you and they will be there for you whenever you need them. Keep posting and if you need more support, we will always be here for you too.

Sincerely,
BlackRose

Post Edited (BlackRose) : 7/22/2010 10:12:26 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 7/22/2010 9:50 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Sugasweetie,

Welcome to the HealingWell Depression forum.  I am so glad that you have joined us.

I had to delete one word in your post as we are not to talk about self harm, suicide or illegal drugs.  I hope that you can understand. 

You do have a lot on your plate right now, but I want to touch on something that Blackrose said and that is about your boyfriend not working for two years.  Like she said, there are probably jobs out there that are less than desireable, but he should be helping you out with the finances and getting a place of your own.  It has to be awful hard to live with his parents.  Nothing against them personally, but you two need your own place just for privacy sake. 

Do you go to any counseling?  I really think that would be a good idea for you.  If you can't afford it check with the department of human services or your local mental health facility to see if there are any programs that you might be qualified for.  Also I am going to give you a site that many members have found helpful.

http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

This site is totally free.  And I have heard good things about it.

You need somebody to share the burden with you.  I am glad that your boyfriend is supportive of you though.  That is one really good thing.  I hope that continues. 

Take life one day at a time.  Keep your little one's best interest at heart.  Check out some therapy or that site I gave you and keep posting here.  Things are going to get better, you have taken your first step on your healing journey.

Hugs, Karen

Posted 7/23/2010 2:29 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you all for replying...

Yes my boyfriend can be very comforting, but it's only when things are really bad. When I am in a slump he usually ignores it, tells me it's how things are, that its his fault, ect. And I have to agree with him...and I defended him for so long that this is a saddening realization. He looks occasionally, and I never really know how much he does. I put in a application 3 days ago and now have an interview...he's put in at least 50 and now I'm wondering...did he even? I hate to doubt him, but I am becoming to feel that I am alone in this relationship, he watches our daughter, but what else? I can't think of one thing. I've loved him for so long, coming to realize that he isn't helping my situation at all, makes me numb. But I have no where to take my daughter, and I won't leave her here with his family...She is too innocent and happy to be raised by people like them. I don't get disappointed anymore, because I've learned to expect it with him, and I need someone I can count on, but how do I walk away from all that I've ever known. Before this he was always there, I've tried to talk but he just doesn't get it.

As for a support system, you guys are right...I don't have one. I have my boyfriend some of the time, and my mother all the time, but I hate to burden her when she has so much on her plate, and just hold it in. I hate my job and only maybe 1 friend there that I can talk to, but even with her I don't trust to tell her just how down is...down to me. I have tried before and I get a look, I can almost hear them thinking "Wow...that's crazy". Not only that, but I've let everyone toss their problems onto mine to bury them for so long, that I don't know really how to let my friends close enough to see past the mask that they've seen for years...Because it's never been the 'real' me...Cowardly of me, I realize that now.

I will check out the link, and look into some counseling around here. Thanks so much, the support helped me think a little clearer.
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