I have no reasons left . . . .

I think I will never come out of my depression on my own. I have been trying past 9 months,I have tried doing it on my own to trying to talk to people to reading self help books. It doesn't matter I try avoiding my pain by going out and retail therapy but when Im back home its just being back in a black pit of loneliness.
Through this depression I have been trying to make my relationship work,trying hard to forget my ex and not let my bf see the pain I go through each day when he ignores me and doesn't care. I know others would feel me to be a cheat caz I spoke to my ex last night. But I dunno hearing his voice calmed me down from the anxiety attack I was having. I told him about how it felt to be cheated and left and he apologized. It was all fine till I realized how far we were from each other. And though I would have never spoken to my ex if I was in my senses !
I lost mine when my bf thrashed me for two days abused me of not caring for him and said he hated me. I don't get him,if you have read my earlier posts I have mentioned he doesnt like me asking him questions or calling him without reasons,how do I show care?he doesnt want me to call him when I dont he says im a manipulative person and fake caz when I dont call I cant help but just drop him a msg. he says i just try to potray myself as innocent. I got fed up of how helpless he made me feel,and I just lost my mind n calld my ex.
I hate my life without him. My family is as terrible as ever and the guy I date doesn't even acknowledge my efforts and worse he considers them a manipulation,instead I feel I do cry over my ex,caz atleast at some point he loved me and cared for me.
Im in pain. Pain words cant explain. I do prefer being physically hurt than this emotional and mental pain.
I dont know what to do and where to go.
I loved someone and he left me and than I gave myself another chance and that guy hates me. Theres something wrong in me that eveyone hates me.
My parents never care and I hate them.I cant help myself but hate everyone and the first person I hate is myself. I hate myself for who I m and for what I did. My bf makes me hate myself more,he just makes me realize that my ex walked out on me everytime he can. He feels that I deserve the place im at today lonely and depressed. And I believe he is right.
I will never be truly happy again.

Annie:  I am assuming that you are not seeing a counselor right now because of your first sentence, "I think I will never come out of my depression on my own."  If my assumption is correct I am strongly encouraging you to find one to assist you.

What you describe with your current boyfriend is verbal and psychological abuse.  When this is being done to you, you will generally feel confused, mixed-up, beat up and totally at fault.   This is not a healthy environment for you, as I am sure you already know.

It is so easy for any of us to sit here and tell you to move on.  However, from actual experience I know how difficult it is for you to sort through this.  Thus, it probably couldn't hurt to find an empathic, objective and caring counselor to help you realize and manage the abuse around you and hopefully move on from it.

Good luck!

Cass