To D or not to D ...

getting by- I know in my heart once I do- if I do I will wonder why I wasted so many years of my life. I know if I heard someone else talk about what I endure (nothing physical but emotionally...bruises go away-bad feelings stay in your heart and brain forever) my heart felt response would be- you deserve better than that! Get out now! Why do you stay? But I have a hard time taking my own advice.
When the kids were small I thought it was easier to stay. I knew it would be a very ugly divorce. He would do and say things that would push my buttons and make me an ugly person to be around as well. I thought it would be less damaging to my children to stay and repress my feelings and keep the peace to the best of my ability but there were times when I lost it and acted in ways I wished I didn't anyway. And I don't think I taught my boys anything good by having them watch their father call me bad names and disrespect me and I my taking it made it seem like it was right. They themselves don't respect me the way they should. My daughter...I have always told her don't ever let yourself be treated like this but that wasn't right either-making me talk bad of her father. Today she is a very independent woman who puts up with nothing- to the total opposite extreme.
And here I am. They are all grown and we had a blow out where he called me the C word, said I'm abusive and crazy and accused me of being afraid he was going to find something when I was angry that he went through all my drawers, in my closet and under my bed and pulled out all kinds of stuff that he felt wasn't needed - put it on my side of the bed so when I came home after a 9 hr. day at work I could go through it and see what I would sell at his yard sale. Besides everything else I am tired when I get home. I have RA. I had to do something with the crap if I even wanted to sleep that night!

Am I crazy? I felt violated- am I wrong? Am I abusive because that made me angry? I know I'm not the C-word and you know I feel like this is the last time he can call me that ever again. I have had it.

I hope I haven't hi-jacked this thread- I am so sorry. I got started and I couldn't stop.

Thanks Karen.

I think it will be good for me to let things off my chest and perhaps have others give their point of view. I am at the point where I think I don't know what to believe of myself anymore.

One reason I am not in counseling is because I think that would cause him to tell me that validates that I'm crazy. At least thats why I didn't go when the kids were small because I didn't want it to come up in divorce court.

Has anyone out there been thru this?

Over the years I have certainly allowed circumstances to cause him to have all the power in this relationship. If you were to talk to him he would dispute this. This is because I will express my opinion- it doesn't go anywhere but because he knows I disagree with him that is enough for him to complain. I'm disappointed that no one is posting on this thread. Hoping it's just because it's Labor Day weekend and people are feeling happy and getting their week end on.
I am stuck here with him and the yard sale I didn't want to have and could use support.

I helped him mark prices and set up tables but I told him I refuse to sell- I feel uncomfortable about selling my stuff. I don't like people pawing thru my "garbage". I'd have rather put this stuff on the curb or donated it to a charity if he felt the need to clear out.

My big stretch was allowing him to take the crib and bassinet out of the attic to sell. I never wanted to get rid of my "babies" things - thought maybe I'd use them for the grandchildren- but my young adults don't seem to have any interest growing up to the point of marriage and children and when I have in mind my "great escape"- I don't find myself having the ability to move such items or store them for that matter.

Maybe taking baby steps I will eventually be out the door.

Karen- I just had a thought. Could you change the name of the thread to: To D or not to D? Ha ha- a little bit funny isn't it? I need some humor. I am so bored here this weekend. I am actually ready to start talking to my husband like nothing happened because I'm just so tired of the nothingness. I won't be leaving right away so maybe I should just pick up where we left off until the next blow out....

Thanks for updating the thread name Karen

Thanks myjoy for your words of kindness.

Well my try failed. It was OK up until the point where I disagreed with his opinion. Oh well.

Ugggh- this day is just awful. We had planned on company tomorrow but I can be pretty sure that he won't ask them now. It will be my punishment. I don't even like this couple much (its his friend and his wife) but it would be so much better than just being the 2 of us.....He was mad because my son and girlfriend were hanging out here instead of going out. He wanted his privacy. They were up in his room for goodness sake! We were outside having a drink and he up and left when I said it didn't bother me that they were here- that our son is rarely home anymore and I miss him. I thought he went in the garage and I went in the house. I went to go in the bedroom to get changed in some comfy clothes and he was in there with the door locked. Just before that he was acting all lovey dovey if you know what I mean and saying he was sorry, that he was wrong to have called me names and said I was too good for him.

Wow,

That was a lot to cook. I wish I had that much enthusiasm. I am suppose to go to a house warming party this afternoon and I doubt that I am going to go. I didn't know about it until a day ago and haven't even had a chance to buy anything. But when I read all the stuff you made, plus the cookies, it made me feel rather lazy. And I will blame the weather. lol...

I hope that you have a wonderful time!!!

Hugs, Karen

Relax about it. What is the worst case scenario? What is the worst that could happen if one of them says something? It isn't the end of the world. And I have a feeling that nobody is going to say anything. So try to relax and forget about it. Tell yourself you will deal with it if it happens. Enjoy him being kind and caring. But remember if he goes back to the way he was, you do have a plan. You can make this work for you.

Hugs, Karen

I can see you are a little uneasy with his niceness. You aren't use to it. Maybe this will continue. Some people can change. But I think it is all up to you and what you are going to take. I hope that he stays on his best behavior.

I hope that you don't run into any problems with what you said to his friend. If you do, I hope it does blow over fast. But maybe it is time to lay it all out on the table and discuss it. I wish you the very best with that situation. It is hard, but you got to let him know what you expect in the form of respect. He needs to treat you right.

Best wishes,
Hugs, Karen

I know how you feel, why can't it just be live and let live? Things get difficult with some people. And our feelings get hurt. Keep hanging in there and remember that they are just words. Though a person can only take so much. I figure one day at a time in this situation. Don't let him bring you down. Be happy as much as you can, you will know if it is time to leave.

Hugs, Karen