Life

For the last few years, I've been feeling worse and worse about myself, the people around me, and life in general. Things have really gotten worse lately, and I can barely manage my daily routine. I don't know how much longer I can put up with this. I'm a fairly closed individual, and this is the first time I've ever posted anywhere about this...

I don't want to try a counsellor. I don't want to get my parents involved either, as they're part of the problem.

Good post, TtU. Yes please, at least talk to us about your troubles. Sometimes there are answers where you thought there were none.

Hello,

I have a 28 year history of Major Depressive Disorder and I know how bad the really low times feel.  Many of us here know where you have been and what your going through.

When your fears have the best of you, it is easy to feel that things will not get any better. This is not true. There is much help available in today’s society and the best way to deal with your fears is to find effective ways to overcome them. Instead of focusing on doom, stay in the moment. Give yourself breathing space. Consider what matters to you. Establish a few manageable goals, then take small steps toward achieving them. Don’t try to stop everything as once as you may be setting yourself up for failure. 

Please know coming here is a wonderful and courageous step. You are voicing your fears so you know what they are.

You will find support here so keep talking with us.

Kindly,

Kitt

Please tell us more. I think that putting your feelings into words helps. Someone told me that thoughts are better than going by feelings. Does that make any sense? As in you feel it might get better, but whats the use. When you're feeling better you KNOW in your brain that there are still some good times that you can still enjoy.
Please identify the things that are getting you down, the people, etc. We want to help. Are you taking care of yourself, regular meals, no alcohol or street drugs (contributes tons to depression), daily hygiene? I always liked taking walks after dark if you are in a safe area, its cool, crisp, starry, and no one to have to stop and chat with. Sometimes just saying hi takes too much energy when you don't have any to spare. Get yourself cleaned up and go get something to eat at a restaurant. Tell them you're in a bit of a hurry, sometimes it works to get served promptly., but don't count on it, ha ha. I used to like to go out for breakfast any time of the day or night if nothing else. I enjoyed smelling the food and coffee, hearing the clink of the china. Somehow soothing.
Please continue to post. What's worse? Let us know what is discouraging you so. We care.
Sandy

Nihilistic, that can mean a few things. Break it down for me.

This is a quote from another post, which I thought might apply to your situation.
"When I am in the stage of, 'why bother, I won't make it anyway', the very next fighting thought is, why give up, I might just make it! When I was your age, I was very much stuck in that frame of mind" This person had suffered from abuse, and major depression. Years later, she is still going, doing well in spite of it all. Deals with her depression, takes good care of herself.

Remember that you are looking at this from you level of maturity, age, now, and that later on if you re-examine your beliefs, understanding, etc. of the current situation , you will see it differently. And sometimes you will see that you were on a roll of disappointment and disbelief at the time, with good reason, and it does grind to a halt eventually. There will be better times interspersed in with the not so good times of depression. I can't count the times thru my life that I felt it was too unbearable to go on. Many. And I just endured. And a good thing, because there were a lot of GREAT things that happened, although I still had trouble with recurrent depression.
Great things? I travelled to Africa twice and went on photographic safaris. What a different life. After 50, I went to Mexico a couple times, learned to snorkel and see the beautiful colored fish, made friends with some locals who were very attentive to my whims, went parasailing, lived in a foreign country for a year while my husband #1 was in the Army, gave birth twice and have 2 successful adult children now. They have not shown to be struggling as I did. I've had pets that have given me so much joy. Raised a blue and gold macaw from a featherless baby. Had a canary that lived for 9 years, serenading me at sunrise and sunset every day. My dogs adored me. Built a small fish pond and put koi in it. Planted many flower gardens that were spectacular. Good times do come to an end. Then its life as usual. And maybe bouts of depression.
Life always goes on. Don't be too quick to bail out on yourself.
Now, if you're falling asleep in class it might be because you aren't eating enough. That used to happen to me. I had toast and jelly for breakfast, donuts and milk for lunch. A very hard sugar high, and rock bottom low. Figure out something to eat, cheese and crackers, microwave soup, go have a real breakfast. You know what you can do. Do it. I don't think that its because you're tired tho I may be wrong. You're very depressed. Feed yourself good food, even if its not very much.
Post again.

I acknowledge that there are good things in my life; indeed, I'm much better off than most people in the world. The thing is, sometimes it feels like there's no point to anything I do. Anything I've tried to fix to this point has either failed or ended badly.

When I said I was feeling nihilistic, I meant that I really feel life has no point whatsoever; we are born, we live, and we die. Anything we do in the short time we're here ceases to matter quickly.

I don't like the way I blindly stumble into making the same mistakes I have before, despite dwelling on my mistakes constantly. I don't like how I am unable to let go of anything negative in my past. I don't like how it's becoming harder and harder for me to talk to people. I don't like how I act in front of others. I don't like the way I look. I don't like how I have never been able to see the positive side of things, despite my best efforts. I don't like how I can't even talk to most people for more than a few seconds. The list goes on...

Well, the weirdest thing is, I'm never happier than when I'm with someone I care about, be it a good friend (don't really have any anymore), a family member (rarely), or a girlfriend (also rarely). I know I want to be with people, but at the same time I can't deal with them...I am socially adept enough to tell when people don't really want to be around me.

I feel like pretty much whenever I do or say something, people generally either ignore it or give me the quickest, most concise response they can. Recently, I've pretty much just given up on starting conversations. Almost nobody talks to me (even the people I consider to be friends) unless I initiate the conversation, and even then it's brief. This doesn't apply just to face-to-face verbal conversation, but also to the phone, texting, email, Facebook, and the like.

Giving up is not the answer.
I sort of push myself to continue dialoguing with certain people, refusing to let it die.
I chime in on FB, saying "what, you're xxxx ! Didn't know that. Great news. " or "Hey, xxx, guess what we're having a thunderstorm. Yay. How's your weather?"
I had 3 friends who kept sending me email fwds, when and if they wrote, went on and on about someone else, like their kids lives and troubles, and didn't ever say how they were or what they were doing. I told them so, and they didn't like it. I mean, I don't even know their adult kids. And that was the end of that. They refuse to really communicate.

Don't forget, you can't read people's minds. You may think you can tell they don't want to talk to you, but you're not always right. What could be such that they aren't responding to you anymore? Why would they shy away from you?

Well, that's still giving up. Is her opinion that important? Look at the young and famous celebrities, the most attractive and seemingly perfect couples split up. Young folk are fickle. It isn't like she dumped you at the altar. Keep your eyes open and try again.
It would be helpful if you thought more of yourself. A counselor would help. Can you do some reading on the subject of self esteem and social anxiety. If you can't find enough on the internet, check the library (online) so you can put a hold on some books. I go to Amazon and look for ones that look good, five stars, read the review, and put them on a wish list, then print that and go to the library site. You can get some cheap paperbacks from Amazon, used. Try about.com
If you refuse counseling, you'll have to learn this stuff yourself.
Not only that you sound depressed. There are 2 books that I read reviews on, "The Depression Cure" and "Unstuck" by the same author. Rather doubt that it should be called a cure. But he has suggestions for recovery not using meds, but things that are important to do for yourself to maintain mental health in these trying times. Like meditation. All those who meditate think it works great, those who do not try will never know. And socializing. Since you're not into that right now, what about a part time job. Will keep you busy and you have just a little time to chit chat with people and crawl out of your shell. Not just for the money. The reviews I read were on Psych Central.
So you thought your friends liked you, build on that. Friends come and friends go. Its a fact of life. You may never know why. Move on.

Great advice Kitt. You can destroy yourself and your life with negative self talk.

There is a book titled Self Talk. Really good.

Well, thats counterproductive and unhealthy. At least you know thats what you;ve been doing. Its time to change.
Develop your own self esteem. Check your self-talk. Read about it and do it. I think it will work.
OR, get counselling. Its fruitless to continue down the same path to no where.