Loving from a Distance....

Hi,
I've been away for a bit trying to deal with things alone. Though it's been pretty unsuccessful I'm back on here. It really feels positive when you feel that there are people out there you don't even know but who care to hear (read) your problems and at times provide positive thoughts and hopes and advice. I've found a friend in healing well.

So well things were going so wrong between me and my boyfriend. ( ref.- my boyfriend lives in another city. We were friends for 5 years before we got together. It started just after my breakup from my boyfriend of two years so initial months were tough for me dealing with two completely different individuals).
Anyhow my boyfriend is really in a demanding job,has debts and a lot of family issues, he would never share them with me saying I wouldn't understand. I tried initially to make him talk but he wouldn't. Eventually I kept away from trying to get to know them and tried my best to love him and support him. At times my insecurities got better of me. On one such day I accused him of cheating on me,I had no idea about his problems back then and felt he never gave me time an fought too badly with me. He just lost his cool that day and he dumped me saying I was immature and a kid. And a very manipulative and selfish person. It hurt me caz I never would know what he was facing. We aren't together anymore but I do know about his problem,mostly his demanding job,time limits etc are taking a toll on his health and stressing him out. I'm younger to him hence I don't know what to say to him when he talks about his office troubles. I don't have any advices for him and I try to do all I can to make sure he has a good evening and put him to sleep every night even if it takes me to hum him to sleep. He doesn't want a relationship I suppose but I love him and I want to make him happy and make his life a bit ether. What do I do to make him know I'm there for him? And how do I respond when he tells me about his work problems?
It stresses me out at times caz I messed up a lot in my last relation. I want to make myself a better person now and I'm trying but when my depression hits I just so low I worry and hence keep away from him so as not to pass my negativity to him.
Hope to get some help.

Love,
Annie

The problem is when he cofides in me I don't really have an advice for him all I do is comfort him by my affection. But I feel like a loser who can't take care of a mans troubles. It's just all along I have looked upto him I have been with men who took care of me and now it's me whose taking care it gets me worried that I'm not going to be able to help him. I mean what do I say when he says i have a deadline so much tension got to finish the releases of guides etc etc. I mean I can't say do it this way and do it that way he's utilising all he has already.
I'm scared.

Annie, everybody has their problems to bear. A loving partner sure helps. But you can't solve problems for him. And if he happens to tell you about it, its hard to tell him what to do, because you just aren't there. It often comes out too simplistic.
Quit beating yourself up over it. I hope this passes. Do you really want to live your whole life tap dancing around his problems?

@stkitt-
Hi there ! It's just not about break up it's about the fact that I love him seeing him suffer pains me ! I wanna be there for him but the problem is he feels I'm incapable of doing so. Maybe I'm but what does a capable person do? I helped him financially as much as I could I don't even earn,I don't call and nag him nothing !

Like example its early morning right now- I called him to wake him up, I'm not well myself but still made sure I wake him up and speak with him so his day starts better. He in turn ended the conversation by shouting and saying I'm getting up and all the worries are back. I said don't worry it'll be fine. He just growled and said he is going. Bye. I said don't worry it'll be fine and have a nice day. He asked me to shove the don't worry and nice day !and hung up on me.

This is just how things are. I make him unhappy unintentionally ! I don't know how I could said or done anything in this conversation to make it better for him.

Hi sandy
Firstly thanks alot for supporting it's just getting so hard ! Secondly I do at Times feel he needs help but as of now I'm doing all I can to be with him in every Way he needs me. It's just I love him and it's hurting me to see him slog the way he does. You are right though he should be grateful he has a job but he's crossing his limitations to keep it. It makes me feel crappy that I can't help him advice him. Its taken a lot to make him open unto to me and now when he has I'm speechless and at loss of words to comfort him. I'm not used to this.
He says I don't understand him ! I don't know how I have to . He's financially broke and I have helped him and whenever he needs any help I leave everything and go and get the money transferred. He then says its not about money. Caz I told him not to worry about money that I'm sending him from my savings and that his peace of mind is more important to me than having the money I have to spend on my clothes etc. To this he just says I would never understand him..... :( I'm feeling restless.

I am late to this thread, but wanted to add a few things.

Annie, I have a philosiphy, and it goes like this. Sometimes people are in our life for a long time, or a short time, but they are there to teach us, or us them. Doesn't matter if what we have to learn is a positive experience, or negitive, as long as we take the lessons we need from it.

That being said, one has to step back and look abjectivly at the situation in order to gain the insight.

At the moment, if I have read this right, (tonight I am struggling to hold onto and read long posts), but he almost has you like a puppet on a string, and I don't understand why? You have broken up, but you still are his alarm clock, and are trying to support him still emotionally and financlly? But all he is doing is hurting you in return. And by continuing the way you are, (still allowing him to be a part of your day), he will continue to hurt you I think.

I really think you deserve to NOT be hurt, NOT be chastised, NOT be verbally abused, NOT be belittled!

I really hope you can see this clearly soon Annie, though my words maybe hurtful, my intent was not to hurt you, but to empower you.

Hi...

@Sandy- I understand the complexities of him asking me for money as he is completely the I'm the man kind of guy hence I knew when he asked me for money that he was in dire need. He's never taken a single penny from me before this not even when we were friends or even when I bought things for myself he do pay. He takes cares of his family etc. and this month he lost some money and has also lended people money. I trust him with my money all that Im trying is to make him peaceful and money isn't a way but it's a problem I could solve among all others.

@awty-
I'm just trying to take care of him firstly caz I love him it hurts me to see him in pain I can't even be there to see him. Secondly when I was in my depression he do helped me alot stayed up all night next to me taken offs from his job to be with me( I was in his city for a month and went into a depression on losing my gran father and also back than my bf was just my friend and I was left by my bf of 2 years....for another girl) it's just he's done so much for me..... Im not paying him back but I'm trying to take care of him the way he took care of me.

Annie, get ahold of yourself dear and reread what you just wrote. You're off the deep end on this thing. Didn't it dawn on you when you read what the others wrote about their experiences? The last ones were so clearcut and applied to YOU.

Please reread them, print them out for easy reference.

You are being a martyr on the altar of false "love".
Google what is a codependent.
PLEASE, learn from our experience.
Do you think that your destiny is continual rejection?
Wake up Sweetie. The more time you spend lamenting over this DUD of a man, you are missing out on making yourself stronger, and find the man of your dreams.
Some of us have married someone, thinking, well he''l change with my tender loving care. It NEVER does. Do you crave heartache?
Counselling would be a benefit.

Well, you do have insight. How old are you? If your parents knew you were sending away money they'd hit the roof. (Don't tell them) Where do you get your money, are you working?
Can you get to the psychiatrist on your own? And get some meds? I mean, do you have a health ins card and a way to pay your co-payment without the folks being aware?
Sometimes the pdoc will have a sliding scale payment arrangement. Ask the receptionist or leave the doc a msg on his answering machine.
I am so glad you know from your previous trip to the pdoc that you know you need help getting this THING out of your life, low self-esteem, self-defeating behavior, codependency.
You are already wasting your money behind your parents back. It isn't such a stretch to use the same money to help yourself.
YOU ARE IMPORTANT. Look to the future.
I found this site, but have just started reading it. It has a chapter on Marriage, Love, etc. Don't know if it would help you, but its free and downloadable from a renowned psychologist.
http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org Chapter 10.

YOU ARE IMPORTANT. Look to the future.
I found this site, but have just started reading it. It has a chapter on Marriage, Love, etc. Don't know if it would help you, but its free and downloadable from a renowned psychologist.
http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org Chapter 10.

This is from yesterday. Did you read it? I think it might help.
Didn't see your post on this topic, so I asked you the same questions again. At 21, I don't think you need your parents to fill out any form. Tell the office NO. Perhaps you could fill it out yourself. Take a look. You have to want to change this. Get help. You seem to be prolonging your pain. I really don't think that you know what mature love is. You seem needy. It isn't healthy to sit at home all alone. Why aren't you working? Why aren't you taking any kind of class. It doesn't have to be academic. If you get a part-time job, you will be forced to go out. You will be forced to talk to others on light topics. To go out for your lunch. Thinking about something other than your BFs. Growing up and moving towards independence. You could tell your mom, no, I don't want to spend money shopping. I want to see our doctor, and get some counselling. I can't stand living this way in my mind.

That is unless you want to stay where you are, wallowing in confusion.

Read what I have recommended. Think about what I have said. Don't pick up that phone and call your BF tomorrow. You insist that you have to help him because he needs help. NO, you need to help you.
Get in touch with yourself and say "Hello, Annie. Today is a new start for you. You are going to face life without a BF for now. You will get yourself together before you do another thing. You are an important young lady, you matter. You will take care of your problems and manage yourself today". Tell yourself you love YOU.
Don't think about the old BF. That's over. Get on with your life.

I have to go now tonight. Its so late. Maybe you would care to post again tomorrow. Say something different.
You know i care for you and am concerned.
Sandy