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feeling depressed with no way out

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Posted 10/2/2010 3:32 AM (GMT 0)
ever since i could remember i have never been truly happy. i think about the only times that i was, was when i was much younger and spent the days playing with my older brothers toys. i think when i got around to middle school i felt isolated from everyone i went to school with my mom never let me go out anywhere with any of my "friends" and spent almost every weekend in my room crying my eyes out. i always tried to get things i thought would impress the kids at school but nothing ever worked. and i clearly remember breaking down in my room one day and tearing down all the stuff on my walls like decorations and what not because i felt like it just wasn't me. then when i went to high school things were okay my freshman year in the beginning but then i started to hang out with the wrong kids and ended up arrested, i thought i was so cool. i was never charged with anything because i had nothing to do with what had happened. i was barley getting involved with these people. but i noticed allot of them smoked  and at first i said hell no but then i eventually just gave in. my older brother used to smoke  but he wasn't a bad kid. he had good grades, smart, and pretty much perfect at everything he did. so i figured the hole  thing wasn't that big of a deal. i then i started thinking to much about the world. i don't know i guess thats just how i am. i started thinking about the meaning of life and then i began to question the existence of god. from here on out i was just "kind of here" i hated life itself and didnt care for it at all. around this time my dad cheated on my mom and we all found out. my family stopped talking to each other, i never said much to my brother mom or dad, and they never said much to each other either. i pretty much watched my mom fall apart. my junior year was the same then i met a guy and ended up pretty much falling for him, he got my to stop smoking and turned my life around. but then during summer this year i was in chicago and i got a phone call from my mom telling me to get the first plane back home. when i got home my entire family were at the house. aunts uncles cousins. then i saw my parents. my dad started crying and told me to be strong. and my mom told me my brother had an accident on his motorcycle and she said " he's with your grandparents now". i spent days crying and mourning over my brother. i felt like i had lost the only person that felt the same way as me. and knew exactly how it felt to struggle with the family we have. and i felt so bad about not having given him a good bye hug when i left for chicago. i figured i'd see him again anyways. and now lately it hasnt been the same with my boyfriend. or my life, i just feel like crap again, all the time. i get jelous of people and their families. i feel angry for no reason and depressed at random moments. i dont know what to do. iv tried telling my mom how i feel but she doesnt seem to understand. i guess she thinkins im just being a typical young teen. i just need some advice. or something....

<Edit>  I am sorry for the indepth edit per rule 1. No discussion of any illegal activity or threats of violence. (ie. illicit drug use or exchange, threats of suicide or self-injury, or threatened or intended physical harm).  Discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are also not permitted.

 

Thank you for your understanding.

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 10/2/2010 8:42:35 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/2/2010 4:54 AM (GMT 0)
Oh, Precious, you brought tears to my eyes. What a difficult adolescence you have had. Despite the way everyone looks happy at school, many suffer and cry at home in their rooms, and they haven't been thru the difficulties that you have. Your load is immense.
So, so sorry about your brother, what a terrible loss, terrible shock He probably wishes he had hugged you too. And your parents, wow, we think our parents are rock solid citizens. We're all human and make mistakes that hurt those we love. Its awful when there is silent, cold treatment going on. Everybody feels it unfortunately. It hurts.
Sure you're jealous of other families. But my friend 's parents who I think are the greatest, go to church, out to brunch, sporting events, laugh ALL the time, well they went thru the same thing. Not only did Dad cheat, he did it with a teacher at the HS. Everybody knew. He and his lady friend, were the laughing stock of the whole school. It happened on a school trip to Paris ! My friend was mortified and wanted to kill him. Mom was devastated, recovered, got a job, got a Jetta ? , got her naval pierced and a tattoo. Believe it or not, after a separation, they got back together and didn't divorce. Things are fine again, but it took time for the parents to heal. The kids shook their heads and said whatever, and life went on.
So, these are very painful issues. Perhaps you need some bereavement help to deal with the loss of your brother. You're feeling like nothing matters, thats depression, and it was before these traumatic events and the weed. You need help with it, its situational probably. You can recover.
Tell your mom that you are just so depressed you can't take it anymore. Your family doctor can prescribe an antidepressant, and at the same time make sure your body is healthy. Then refer you to an appropriate therapist, who specializes in Adolescents. You can pour your little heart out, and later work on steps to resolve these issues and put them to rest so you can go on with your life. Insurance covers this stuff.
Please take what I have said to heart. You have so much life ahead of you to experience. You can literally do anything you want, school, career, no school, job till you figure it out, dating, love, marriage, children. Don't deny yourself these pleasures.
Continue to post. I will be thinking of you...Sandy
PS, have you seen the first posts of some of the others on the forum? Young like you they suffer from feelings of low self esteem, anxiety, depression, confusion. This is a place to come and be understood Everyone is caring here. Be encouraged

<Edit>  per Rule 1.  Sorry as I know you were trying to help.  Any questions please email me. Thank you,  Kitt

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 10/2/2010 8:45:41 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/2/2010 2:57 PM (GMT 0)
Good Morning and I am sorry I had to edit in this thread. 

Potential risks exist when sharing distressing material. We do edit  details re suicide and self harm as we have vulnerable members and members as young as 13 on the boards.

Discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are also not permitted.

Can you mention a friend of yours died from suicide, yes. But to go into indepth detail on methods etc would be deemed negative.

Also discussions re illicit drugs is prohibited.

As we are a family based medical health forum we do strive to keep each forum safe for all members.

The rules and guidelines are set by the Owner/Administrator of HW and the moderators try to uphold the rules.

Each moderator being human with different life experiences, may see things through slightly different eyes and some variance is to be expected. However moderators promise to base their decision making on the content of the posts rather then personal feelings about the person posting in them  

I hope this explanation helps to clarify the matter of what content is acceptable.

Respectfully

Kitt

Posted 10/2/2010 3:09 PM (GMT 0)
yfunyuns

Hello and a warm welcome to HealingWell and the Depression Forum. 

I am so sorry for the trouble and the great loss you have experienced in your life.  I understand the pain of what has happened at your home.  I went through many of the same things and yet here I am years later still trying to live in the moment.  Our son died in a car crash when he was 21 years old and I wonder if your Mom is just not able to focus on anything besides the death of your brother right now.

Losing someone or something you love is very painful. After a significant loss, you may experience all kinds of difficult and surprising emotions, such as shock, anger, and guilt.  Sometimes it may feel like the sadness will never let up. While these feelings can be frightening and overwhelming, they are normal reactions to loss. I sit here with tears in my eye for you as I watched my daughter go through the same as you are when her brother died.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve  and no time limit on how long your grieve.  I understand how you are looking at others and seeing them as happy and fulfilled - wondering why not you in their shoes. 

Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel either. Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.” Let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarrassment or judgment. It’s okay to be angry, to yell at the heavens, to cry or not to cry. It’s also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when you’re ready.

I think you may be grieiving the loss of your childhood along with that of your brother.

Can you get in to see a therapist.  I have an awesome therapist who really helps me when I bottom out.  Reach out to friends and to us as we are here to support you and care for you.

Kindly,

Kitt

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