im gonna snap

I dont know how to explain how i feel but i am gonna try. i am about to snap or i feel like it. i get treated like crap at work. if you dont mind im gonna tell  you some so you know what i mean. my co manager will yell at me and tell me i need to hold it if i go to the bathroom, has told me i need to get my body on a schedule and has even started using a stopwatch to see how long i take(its rediculous. im sorry i take about a minute if i have to pee and that is to pee, wipe, and wash hands and maybe five minutes if i have to do the other)im sorry my bathroom habits are not his buisness. on saturday we had a lot of chicken come up and i said wow thats a lot of chicken and my general manager just looks at me and says "excuse me we have been doing so so amount hours so you are gonna need that ****ing chicken." im sorry that was just uncalled for for that one statement. i called off once because of a uti and i am now being told i am not a teamplayer and they keep comparing me and another manager who had one and still worked. well im not her, i am not going to work if i cant stay off of the toilet for more than five seconds. on sunday a friend texted my husband at 730 am a joke. well it woke me up and seeing that i closed and didnt get to bed to 3 am it was not a good thing and the fact hubby has sleep apnea doesnt help and if he wakes up he cant sleep and he doesnt sleep well to begin with. so that put hubby in a bad mood and we ended up arguing back and forth alot. so later in the day i texted her and explained to her nicely that i would appreciate if she didnt text until after 9 especially if its on hubbys phone because when i close he keeps the phone in t he room just in case of emergency. keep in mind this is the second time that i have told her this. so this morning i woke up to a message on facebook that she is deleting me and hubby as friends as she will not take being *****ed at like a child. what the heck i didnt do anything nor say anything wrong. 730 am is way to early to be texting. so i sent her a message stating that i didnt feel that my message warrented losing our friendship over as i said it nicely yet she continues to say that i was *****ing and that its no wonder i dont have friends the way i talk down to them. i dont i was being n ice about it. then she said that i talk about sex way to much, well when we did talk about it it was her bringing it up.

so i basically lost a friend over something stupid. im so tired of trying and failing. im tired of caring. i hate my job anymore and i cant focus on it as it is a big stress causer, im starting to hate my life and myself. the only good thing is my kid and hubby. i put on this brave face and smile but inside i feel as if i am dying inside. i think i am slightly bipolar as i cant focus easily, i yell when i shouldnt, i have mood swings where im happy one minute and sad and angry the next, i cant control my moods easily. i do good for awhile but the slightest stress brings them back, and i have a high sex drive(note i dont talk about it to friends). i dont have impulse control i am good at that i just cant control my moods. i do have a good friend but i dont have alot and i dont get out alot. i basically work, come home, cook dinner and go to bed and clean on my day off, help with homework and then i do it again. i dont get to go out with my friend because she is breastfeeding and cant leave for more than 3 hours because of that. i do go out everyonce in awhile with hubby but that is it.

i just sometimes wish i could just disappear and sometimes i think that everyone would be better off for it. i need a journal to write down my feelings but if hubby sees them then he wouldnt understand. im crying inside how do i stop?

me and hubby will not divorce because of her, we have been through so much and a lot worse. he was grumpy because of the phone going off so early. unfortunately my gm will not believe what i say and human resources is a joke. he has had complaints on him before but from where some were false they do not take anything seriously anymore and i will just get treated worse. i am trying for the transfer but they will not give it to me. i do know if my gm (general manager) yells at me one more time i will be going off and telling her i am not a child. what i meant by disappearing is i feel like a failure and i just wonder sometimes if i am just screwing thier life up even more. i get so stressed at work sometimes that i snap and take it out on hubby and sometimes my lil girl and they dont deserve that. i do seriously think i am bipolar but not heavy duty. i just got some real good insurance so i am gonna make a doctors appointment and get tested for that and see if i can get on some mood stablizers. i cant focus, sometimes my thoughts run together and when i speak it comes out completely wrong. i am not happy, i take it back i am happy in my marriage and my child but i am not happy with my life. there are alot of stressors and i am looked to as the person who doesnt get depressed about it. well i am, i just cant show it because my lil girl needs me happy.

when i say i am going to work i will tell people that i am on my way to hell. sometimes it takes all i got to go to work especailly if my co manager is there. he says i am not performing my job but how can i when i get treated this way. i told him i dont feel like i am part of the team and i get treated differently then the other managers there. i get yellled at for service times yet i see others with crappy service times and i am the one being yelled at. sure my speed is higher then the others but they dont understand that when i get behind, like when a customer adds things on at the window, then i cant catch up. i have a hard time reading the screen sometimes and when i have a mid manager they are normally in the office or doing other things instead of up online. sometimes things arent stocked so i am not set up to win. i told him that my other shift is being treated like she is queen bee. he says it is because she is performing her duties but the stuff i get yelled at for is the same things other managers are doing too. i got in trouble for the bun freezer yet it was left for me yet i had to fix it and listen to how it should have been done. well it wasnt me who did it. everything falls on me and i cant take it no more.

i shouldnt complain there are others worse off then me but i dont know what else to do. i am gonna snap soon and i fear for them when i do. i cant take no more and people just dont understand.

it does help i appreciate it. im just wondering when i will get out of this pit im in. uggggggg i hate this.

yes i was thinking a mood stablizer it could help. especially in my moods and the fact that i cant focus easily and i have memory issues as well. i can be told something and then swear up and down that i was never told. i just have to work up the courage to make the appointment and go. im kinda scared of what this means. if i am bipolar i am not severe so who am i to take meds when there are worse off but yet i need the help.

i too am looking at going back on abilify. hopefully the shrink recommends it. if not i will putit on the table. hang in there WG. check out the black dog institute and do the bi-polar self-test. it helps. and you can print it off. get your lithuim levels checked as well. lower levels, than the norm are a precusor to being competently diagnosed. here for ya. take care, jamie.

exactly, mmmnavy. and how are you doing? well i hope.
take care of you. with compassion, jamie.

I am gald that your work environment has changed. Do you think it is because you spoke up to the gm? I hope it stays good for you. It is hard to work a job if you aren't happy with it. Or if somebody is treating you unfairly. Good luck with things staying good.

Hugs, Karen

sweetie, you need to be straight up with ya dr. let he/she know what is really happening. don't be afraid to express yourself fully, it helps them actually help you better. keep being brave, jamie.