I try so hard to stay strong..

I honestly don't know if i'm truly depressed or just have a lot of issues.

Things started to get bad for me around 15. I used to cry almost every night about how bad things were. I even contemplated ways I might end my life if things continued to get worse but I was always too scared.

Once I got to college, things seemed to be better. But my grades were terrible, I had no motivation to work hard & I just didn't know how to take care of myself. I was in a relationship throughout my first year but it ended over summer vacation when he left me for another girl. After that, things seemed to go from bad to worse. I started making a lot of bad & impulsive decisions. Those decisions have left me with emotional & physical scars that still to to this day just won't get better. For a while, i turned my heart & my mind over to God & i truly believe that He helped me to stay in school & remove some of the emotional strain that I was dealing with. Things still weren't perfect but I was really hopeful that if I stayed on that same path, my life would be drastically different. Whenever I did get sad, I wouldn't cry like I used to. I thought I was being strong but honestly I just felt numb. I had been hurt so much in the past that the tears were just harder to come by. But tonight, something just snapped inside of me. I was FURIOUS, MISERABLE, HATEFUL, DESTRUCTIVE all rolled up into one. It was the first time i've cried in a long time & I hated myself for it. & because I hated myself, I hated everything else. I wanted to tear the whole world apart if I could. All of the bad things that have been happening in my life seemed to just be proof that I am just a bad person who doesn't deserve to be happy or to have what she wants in life.

Sometimes I can't help but to think that despite my efforts, my life will never be OK. Sometimes I think that instead of angels I have demons watching over me, making sure that if I ever get too happy, i'll get hit with something just as bad to bring me down again & KEEP me down. Sometimes I think that God Himself can't even help me. I don't think its normal to get as sad as I do and if I wasn't such a coward I don't think I would still be alive today. I want to believe that life holds great happiness for me someday but i'm running out of hope. When i'm not sad like this, i'm just empty. The times that I am happy are always fleeting & they are only the result of my finding comfort in something/someone else that always ends up hurting me too.

I know that I wont give up on life but I just don't want to be sad anymore. I feel like everyone around me can tell that there's something wrong & because of that, they stay away from me. Even when I try to act normal & happy & friendly.


I'm just confused. I'm hoping that someone can help me understand.

You are experiencing emotional extremes, don't see exactly if you are being treated for that, and since you are new, you have no profile signature.

Know the feeling of wondering if demons are watching to make sure I don't get too happy. You aren't alone, remember telling a therapist once that I was afraid somewhere along the line that I had made a deal with the devil like Archebald Crane, and that he had come to collect on it.

Feeling that life is out of control, you need to have a grounded professional person to speak to. Do seek assistance from the school counselor, while it is free, and there.

Its a battle that must be fought to survive. Easier for some, just a fact of life.