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Posted 11/23/2010 6:46 AM (GMT 0)
Just a random thought. I keep seeing media reports about bullies, mostly dealing with kids at schools and stuff like that. But one report mentioned parents. And it really hit me, that IS what my stepfather (now deceased) was. He always teased people, said mean things, threatened them, and always had the attitude that whatever HE liked was "the best." I always thought of him as a jerk, and other words that I probably am not allowed to use here. But henceforth, now I can add "bully" to the words that describe him.

Well, I could go on about it, but just wanted to share, because that image of him shooting off his big mouth keeps popping into my head whenever somebody talks about bullying, and I am now 48 years old.
Posted 11/23/2010 12:22 PM (GMT 0)
I can see you point. There are many cruel people in this world, but there are many good people too. It is hard when we see somebody that we care about or is close to us in family acting like a bully. And yes, it has been in the media a lot lately. I got bullied to a point when I was a kid. Not till I was about 13, but that is such an impressional age. It was the thing to do. The kids would pick a person every day to fight with. And they would gang up on othes. It wasn't fair. There would be a whole group of people watching too. Some would get involved and some wouldn't. But hearing the words is something that sticks in your mind for years to come. I still remember it well and it was about 40 years ago. I still see these people and am happy to say that they seem to have paid for their actions. None of them are happy, or healthy. So I guess these things do come back on us. At least I would like to think so. Time goes on, we grow. Well some of us do. Some of us mature, and some of us stay in that time frame for 40 years. The thing to realize is that a person wouldn't bully if they felt good about themselves. So they have something going on in their lives that causes them to act that way. Most of it is done in groups, so you know that this perosn isn't going to stand alone and bully. They are too aftraid to. So they are unhappy. But that doesn't help teh situation at the time of the person who is taking it all. I hope that you aren' going through anything like this. let us know.

Hugs Karen
Posted 11/24/2010 5:12 AM (GMT 0)
Good Evening,

I have experienced both bullying and teasing and I know I have always teased many friends and family because I love them and love to laugh with  them  I also taking teasing well.  I also can laugh at myself. 

Teasing occurs when you playfully poke fun at each other and neither party feels hurt. Everyone may have a good laugh but it is all in fun. Most importantly, playful teasing is not directed at someone’s difference, such as religion, ethnicity, speech or appearance.

Bullying is  intended to hurt the other person. Bullying also involves an imbalance of power, like an older child bullying a younger one. Bullying is also an aggressive and negative behaviour. Bullying can happen over and over.

Bullies come in all shapes and sizes.  Don't take anything bullies say to heart - they are not worthy of your tears! Do not let their words stop you from achieving your goals! Show confidence, and show to them that their words have no effect on you.

I happen to be an advocate for the person being bullied and if they are not able to deal with the person I will step in. 

Everyone deserves respect !

Gentle Hugs,

Kitt

Posted 11/24/2010 1:50 PM (GMT 0)
DM,
If you do not mind me can I ask what happen that has brought this up for you? I think there can be trauma's in our past that a brought up by certain things, and that these wounds have a hard time healing, especially if something in our present is bringing up those past feelings of helplessness and pain.  Part of why I ask is that we cannot see your face we do not know if you are sitting there bruised, or hurting in some other way.  Even if it is still something you are processing.
Navy
Posted 12/8/2010 7:08 AM (GMT 0)
hello,

sorry, I lost track of my own thread that I started. The whole reason i started the Bully topic was, like I said, I kept reading about it and seeing things on TV. And also, I have been spending massive amounts of time lately with my mother, who was married to the ####head I mentioned as being a bully. I get kind of stressed out being around her, she is elderly and rather disabled and getting a bit feeble-minded, and I have taken on a lot of financial responsibility related to her.

Sometimes I just feel like, why am I helping her, she never stood up to her husband and she let him say all kinds of mean things to people, and I think turned a blind eye to other abuse as well. She was passed out drunk all the time when I needed her. And now I am like the only person in the family helping her. So, that is where I am coming from.

Sometimes I do feel like I am leaning toward being depressed and anxious again, but I just don't feel like seeking out a counselor. I have talked, and talked and talked to counselors in probably hundreds of sessions over nearly 20 years and well, I'm sick of talking about it. I do wish my life was different, and I have tried, but I always kind of fall back into the same patterns. I seem to go around and around in circles. I have trouble making and keeping friends, that is the big thing, and I end up not enjoying life that much because I don't have many people to hang out with.

I don't really like my job, I feel like I am smart enough that I could be doing something else. But I stick it out, even though my pay just got cut this year and there's always the threat of some financial disaster because of the industry that we are in. We work in a filthy gloomy building and my colleagues are mostly baby boomers who are always having some horrible personal crisis, like a death in the family or some awful medical problem.

I am so frustrated with what I feel are my shortcomings, and now to add to it, I have gotten a rather disturbing medical diagnosis this year. I have been in daily pain (albeit mild) for a good part of this year, and the condition just isn't going away and my doctor doesn't expect it to.

so, that's what's going on. Blah.

--MK
Posted 12/8/2010 2:34 PM (GMT 0)
MK,

Don't feel so glum. Things can get better. Have you thought about looking for another job? Probably a dumb question, but I would be looking while I am still working if the working conditions where you are now aren't good.

Try to over look your mothers shortcomings. She was probably coping the only way that she knew how and that was to black out the whole thing. Many of us had a bad upbringing. You are no exception. But the past is in the past. And as long as you are diong the best you can with her, you are trying. That is important. Try to forgive her, it will make you feel better about yourself. You can hang on to the past, but that only holds you back from the good things that could happen in the future.

You are a good person. Remember that. Your past could have effected you much worse than it did. Don't give up on counseling. But maybe find one to help you move forward instead of making you relive your past. There is a book called "feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns. It is a really good book to read, especailly if you don't want counseling. It teaches us a different way of thinking. And has many examples to follow. I think you would enjoy the book.

Keep posting and let us know how you are.

Take care, have a great day.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 12/8/2010 4:21 PM (GMT 0)
I am not saying it is right for what happened, but I think we can all understand how disempowered both you and her must have felt. There were no or little domestic violence shelters, the violence against women act only past in the mid 1990's. A major cause of poverty in women is being a victim of violence, especially of domestic violence when women who left had no job history, no credit history, etc. So I think we might have to assume that as a woman with a child she felt too vernerable to be strong enough to stand up and say that is not right and that mean person does not have the right to do this. There were so many systemic issues against her, she just did what she could to get thru. I can see how you can hope that she would have stood up for you and for herself, but I can understand why she was not strong enough to do that.

It is not right, and I can completely see why this would be brought up for you right now. Because there is a feeling of vernabilty when you are chronically ill/in pain. It is like reopening old wounds especially if the face of both her and your health issues.
Posted 12/8/2010 5:41 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Karen & MMMnavy,

I have the Dr. Burns book Feeling Good. I used to take the quiz all the time to see if I was depressed. I thought it was a great book, one of my counselors recommended it to me. But a later counselor did not like the book, or at least did not like that I would keep taking the depression test, so I haven't read it in a while.

I was really stressing out a month or 2 ago when I was helping my mother move from her house to an apartment. But I survived, did not give in to the anxiety. It was hard though, I lost a lot of sleep and even lost my appetite (boy I wish that part would come back). Anyhow, I am mostly OK now, just probably am in a rut. With a cold and my illness and this winter weather, I feel even more so. Probably will be better once the holidays are over and I can find an activity to do.

--MK
Posted 12/8/2010 5:58 PM (GMT 0)
Holiday time can be so hard for people suffering with depression. I am so glad that you have the book. Maybe just leaf through it now and then. It might pick you up.

I totally understand about the cold weather. I suffer with fibromyalgia and the cold is not my friend. It takes a lot just for me to go outside. We have snow on the ground so it is worse, but the sun is shining today here in Michigan, so that is nice. I just went grocery shopping for a few things. So I did get out. It does me good.

I hope that you feel better soon. Keep posting and know that we all care about you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 12/9/2010 3:34 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Karen,

glad you could get out. we have snow here in Ohio, but it's not as bad as points farther north. The new schedule is out for the local Y, so I think I'm going to sign up for a class that's being offered next month. It's extra hard for me to get involved in things because I work evenings, and most stuff is either at night or too early in the day. The job is very confining that way. And when you apply for something else at my office, or even when I was looking for a new job elsewhere, they think your only motivator is that you want to get off nights. And then they don't take you seriously. Well, I've worked evenings more often than not for the last 25 years, so I am used to being out of synch with the rest of the world.
Posted 12/9/2010 4:31 PM (GMT 0)
I work afternoon to night shifts. I kind of like it. I don't have to get up and rush around in the mornings. And I get out about 10:00 or so so I have some time in the evenings to watch tv or come on here. But I only work part time and that will be ending after the holidays. But needed some Christmas money and some extra cash for bills and stuff.

Sounds cool about your local Y. I think you will enjoy that if you can squeeze it in. It is always good to do something nice for ourselves. You have a good attitude too, so that really helps. Keep on trying. You will get there. I know. As long as we try we accomplish things. And that makes us feel better about ourselves.

Best wishes to you, keep posting my friend.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 12/13/2010 2:10 AM (GMT 0)
Daisysmom, I have found out recently that it's not good to dwell on things that happend to you in the past. It only impeads your progress for healing. We also can not worry about the little things until they are : "in the moment." in front of us. Then we can deal with them. Take laundry for instance, If you think about doing laundry all week or when to get it done you will have your anxiety back. If you just put it on a calandar for one particulare day and do it that day you won't have to worry about it.

 

Groceries also can be put on a calandar once or twice a week or however much you go shopping for them. That way don't worry about it.  If a lightbulb burns out and you don't have another one and don't get paid until two weeks down the road, put it on the calandar. Then just use a flashlight if you have one to see with.

 

It's the same way with your mom, just put her on the calandar and worry about her and what she's got going on when that day comes.

 

Don't sweat the little things it will only drive you crazy. If you are lonely call someone up and talk with them or go out and do something.

 

HARA - I know sometimes our brains and logic is overruled by our emotions.

Posted 12/13/2010 2:54 AM (GMT 0)
In my experience sometimes the wound needs cleaning, but that sometimes leaves you with raw exposed burns and nerves.
Posted 12/13/2010 8:34 AM (GMT 0)
My son is still fighting his desire to punch the bullies at his school. But he has held his temper and himself intact very well. He's in the 12th grade now and can not wait to get out of school. I told him that even some adults tease and whisper behind eachothers backs and that they are not any better than the kids at school in any grade.

HARA 

Posted 12/13/2010 2:12 PM (GMT 0)
Hara,
That is good, but what if he could find an adquate way to conflict resolution? I personally would really like to see conflict resolution being taught in high school.

My comment was more towards DM because if I am reading between the lines correctly she was subject to childhood abuse from her stepfather, and it is being brought up by her mother's and her illness. I hate to think about how this might still be hurting her so many years later and that it why I think sometimes dealing with the issue might be a good idea.
Navy
Posted 12/13/2010 2:37 PM (GMT 0)
As shown by the issues raised in this thread, many things from our past experience continue to affect those concerned possibly for many many years. Most of these issues cannot be treated or 'cured' using medication (OK, some meds can block your senses but they don't remove the original issue) and even traditional psychotherapy can fall short.
As a bully victim myself I really relate to this, I took up martial arts in my teens to learn to deal with it, but know too well how it can leave its scars on your ability to be a whole person since it is difficult to repair the damage to self-esteem, self-confidence etc.
In my own case I recently turned to the field of mind-body energy therapy to find effective solutions and have found it incredibly helpful for a whole range of issues that have an emotional-physical connection; everthing from curing my fear of heights to rebuilding my own confidence and self-worth. Because I have seen amazing results in this field and I wanted to help others I became a therapist myself. I would suggest the folks on this thread check out this option.
Posted 12/13/2010 2:55 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Mindbodyenergy,

Welcome to the forum. I do believe in the mind and body connection. With meditation and so forth. I would like to welcome you to the forum.

You may want to start a new thread to introduce yourself. Just keep an open mind as others do take medications and that works for some. And please don't use your expertise to try to sway any members into your way of thinking. Different things work for different people. With that being said, I wish you a wonderful day. And keep on posting.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 12/13/2010 3:08 PM (GMT 0)
Hara,

I don't think I "dwell" on my past. It's just different things come up in the world and it makes you think of your own life and experiences. And maybe you start to think of your past in a different way. That is all I was trying to say when I came up with this bullies thread.

I am very aggravated by trying to help my mother sell her house. It is in a city that is doing worse than the rest of the state and the nation, and the house itself is not in great shape. It has been on the market off and on for two years. I moved her out of there and into an apartment (which I am paying for), so now the house is empty. I literally wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I should have done something differently to help it sell. I KNOW I shouldn't "dwell" on that issue. Maybe I will, as you suggested, put it on the calendar, so I know what day I am going out there and I will take care of whatever I can then. OK, I will try that.

-- MK
Posted 12/13/2010 3:20 PM (GMT 0)
DM/MK,
I think you are doing a good job of dealing with something that causes you pain in some form or another (granted it might just be an "imposition" level of pain, and clearly if it is waking you up at night it does bother you), in a manner that is infused with dignity and strength. I applaud you in doing that, and I am glad you have found a suggestion that might work for you.
Navy
Posted 12/14/2010 12:37 AM (GMT 0)

MMMNAVY said...
Hara,
That is good, but what if he could find an adquate way to conflict resolution? I personally would really like to see conflict resolution being taught in high school.

My comment was more towards DM because if I am reading between the lines correctly she was subject to childhood abuse from her stepfather, and it is being brought up by her mother's and her illness. I hate to think about how this might still be hurting her so many years later and that it why I think sometimes dealing with the issue might be a good idea.
Navy

From Hara: Conflict resolution should be taught somehow in the schools. I totally agree. I wish I had that when I was in school. Of course I had a knock down drag out fight with this girl that was bulling me in junior high school. Later on after that she became my best friend. It's so wierd.

Posted 12/14/2010 12:54 AM (GMT 0)
That happened to me too. And we were best friends for a long time. Isn't that funny how that works?

Hugs, Karen
Posted 12/14/2010 12:54 AM (GMT 0)

Daisysmom said...
Hara,

I don't think I "dwell" on my past. It's just different things come up in the world and it makes you think of your own life and experiences. And maybe you start to think of your past in a different way. That is all I was trying to say when I came up with this bullies thread.

I am very aggravated by trying to help my mother sell her house. It is in a city that is doing worse than the rest of the state and the nation, and the house itself is not in great shape. It has been on the market off and on for two years. I moved her out of there and into an apartment (which I am paying for), so now the house is empty. I literally wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I should have done something differently to help it sell. I KNOW I shouldn't "dwell" on that issue. Maybe I will, as you suggested, put it on the calendar, so I know what day I am going out there and I will take care of whatever I can then. OK, I will try that.

-- MK

I'm sorry for what has happend to you in your past life. No one should have to go through that. I realize that I came out a little aggressive and I'm sorry. When I went into the Mental health center for recovery I got a good tounge lashing and it really made me think about all that I had and what other ppl in there didn't have. Most were homeless and were having phsychological issues to. I don't know how to explain it so you and others would understand. It was a wake-up call for me. I found out today that I only had an hour and a few minutes left on my pre-paid cell phone instead of 3 hours like I thought. I just thought to myself that it was no big deal and so what if I didn't have a phone by the end of the month. I was going to change that in January 2011 anyway. Granted I'm still upset about it but the other way is how I have to think now and it's hard. I have to change the way I think and it is a very hard thing to do......... HARA

 

 

Posted 12/14/2010 12:56 AM (GMT 0)

getting by said...
That happened to me too. And we were best friends for a long time. Isn't that funny how that works?

Hugs, Karen

I told my son several times about that event and he didn't believe me... Oh well to each his own... HARA

Posted 12/14/2010 2:42 PM (GMT 0)
Another thing that has made me think about my sicko stepfather is that I work with somebody who was convicted of a low-level sex crime a couple months ago. A crime similar to what my stepfather did to me repeatedly. So it is a joy to work with somebody like that, to have him sit two feet away from me. He did not get a jail sentence but on Thursdays he has to take a break from work and go to his sex offender training. And I have heard him on the phone talking to friends, family about how he was wronged, and it sounds just like the type of thing my stepfather would have said. Of course people didn't get arrested for that type of thing 35 years ago, and he wouldn't have anyway since his brother was very high up in the city police department. Bullies, yep.
Posted 12/14/2010 4:52 PM (GMT 0)

getting by said...
Hi Mindbodyenergy,

Welcome to the forum. I do believe in the mind and body connection. With meditation and so forth. I would like to welcome you to the forum.

You may want to start a new thread to introduce yourself. Just keep an open mind as others do take medications and that works for some. And please don't use your expertise to try to sway any members into your way of thinking. Different things work for different people. With that being said, I wish you a wonderful day. And keep on posting.

Hugs, Karen

Thank you Karen for the welcome, and the mild ticking off! nono smilewinkgrin

My apologies to you and all if I came over somewhat too keen, I tend to be a bit too enthusiastic but I do have an open mind. Having had medication for depression in the past I am well aware of how it can be a useful aid, I didn't want to imply I was totally against meds.

Anyway, thanks to all of you. This looks like a great place.
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