me n my boyfriend are currently having problems, one minute were breaking up then making up. my head feels all over the place with everything thats going on. Personally i think the main cause of the problem is me i always put my foot in it al the time and say things in anger that i dont mean. i do suffer with a little paranoia. ive been cheated on in the past and for some weird reason i think my boyfriend is going to do it to me. i know he wont but there is that thought running through my mind all the time. i know i shouldnt be thinking like that. i love my boyfriend with all my heart and i dont want to lose him but if i carry on like this i know i well and trully am.
i think my paranoia stems from my past cos my ex's have cheated and i was beaten and raped by my ex's too. i think in a way also im finding it hard to accept that i found someone who loves me for who i am not what i look like. i know i suffer from depression, that stems way back in to my past i was bullied from a young age cos of my size my mum left me and my dad when i was a very young age, i had my first child when i was 20 yrs old and she past away 2 days after birth, then i had 3 boys straight after, then my ex husband started beating me and i lost all 3 of my kids to adoption cos social services said i wasnt emotionally ready to look after my kids.
i seriously dont know what to do, i dont want to lose my boyfriend but it looks like i have if i didnt say those 2 words we could have worked things out.
i love him with all my heart, but i seriously think i have lost my one true love through my own fault n mine alone. i just wish i could step in a time machine and didnt say what i said. but as they say damage said damage done.