Posted 12/2/2010 9:40 PM (GMT 0)
This is the first time i have ever sat down and wrote what's going on,
so bare with me if alot of it doesn't make any sense.
I have always struggled with feeling a bit sad, but things really got on top
of me when I was 16, i visited a physcologist who prescribed me fluoxetine. I
don't really regard this as anything to do with how i feel now because I feel
VERY different to how I did back then. When I was 16 i was struggling with obesity
and a case of unrequited love, just silly things that teenagers think is the end of
the world. I am now 18 years old (nearly 19). I do not take this medication anymore and do not visit the psychologist
Over the past year I have lost nearly 5 stone, completely changed my look, I feel healthier now, and i thought it would solve
my problems, it has infact made me feel worse. I am at college and will be finishing my
course next year in June, but I have been so unmotivated that i havent been attended classes
and skipping them, the college said If i didn't improve this that i would not be able to finish
the course. This made me so scared because I really want to go to university. I am more than capable
of achieving good grades and everyone tells me this. I am a very unreliable person, i constantly change
my mind about things, I promise people i will meet up with them and go out, and at the last minute i change
my mind and dissapoint them. I just don't know what I enjoy doing, I don't know what i like anymore. I only
like going to clubs a couple of times a month because i feel that the whole process of getting ready to go out -
physically AND mentally is just not rewarding for me. I had alot of friends at school but only 1 or two close friends
who i felt i could connect with, I had a best friend for 6 years who one day competely cut me off because she got
a boyfriend (which is understandable- i let her get on with it), I havent seen her in about two years and
have never really found that connection with anybody since. I always feel like no one can really connect
with me on my level. Since i've lost all my weight, I have gained alot of attention off men. People (especially girls)
look at me and instantly think im a ****** because of the way i look ( i take pride in my appearance because i was
bullied for so long). Anyone I meet always says im so friendly and I must have lots of friends, but it's not the case
at all. I stay at home most days and just sit there, in my head im constantly going over the way I am and what i can do
to change it, but once I start, i give up or something goes wrong. I'm always late for everything. Over the past 3 months,
I have become scarily angry and irritated. I have never ever been like this, I was always pretty calm. I mostly snap and
get irritated with my Mom. One day she completely lost it and broke down because she said she couldn't take the way I was
anymore. I feel like NO ONE likes me, like I have no control over anything I have no friends who i would like to spend my time with, but then I'm always at home saying to myself how lonely I am. I'm constantly contradicting myself. I get scared to be close to anyone, but
I don't chose to not be close to anyone, it just happens! I feel like after a certain line, I can't connect with people.
I feel like most people are fake liars who are out for themselves. I can never speak about how I feel because I feel like
no one cares. I'm trying to find a passion in my life but I just feel like I don't know who I am and I feel like
i've completely lost myself. I've been trying to focus on college to keep my mind occupied and it does help a
little bit, but it's just not cutting how I feel about the social aspect of my life, and more so, how i feel
about ME. Somedays, not very often, i feel very agitated and hyper, I actually get up and do things and have
loads of thoughts in my head, then it stops and i feel very sad and drained of energy and passion and motivation. I don't feel like i want to die by the way, no feelings of suicide!
Can anybody shed any light on this situation as I just don't know what to do about it anymore.