don't know where to go from here

I'm not sure where to go from here. Back in the end of May this year, I lost a very dear and close friend of mine. She was also my supervisor but at the same time was like a mother to me. It was very sudden. April 1st she went in for knee surgery and among a mounting list of issues, by May 17th we found out she had cancer. She passed away May 30th. I still kick myself to this day because on May 29th I went out of state and told myself I would visit her when I got back. Well by the time I started to head back, I got the call that she passed away. Luckily I had a 3 hour drive home and was able to meltdown in private but I had a huge rain storm that kept me focused enough to drive.
I have always had issues with my real parents and pretty much have divorced my dad. They were divorced when I was 3 years old. I will turn 24 just after the New Year. I would always hear them fight over the phone and they would play me & my siblings against the other parent. I was (and still am) mentally/emotionally abused by both of my parents. I notice it more from my father because I am not around him. My friends though have pointed out to me that my mother does the same thing through manipulation. For the last 5 years, I have been the only one in my family to help my mother through some major health issues, including ER visits, surgeries, hospital stays, etc. As the rest of my family live at least 3 hours away, I've been stuck. I have not been able to really start my own life. My friend was my escape out. She was the mother to me that most dream of. When I lost her, my whole world fell apart. I once thoroughly loved my job. It is now something I dread completely. This month has been extremely hard on me as I am facing the Christmas break (I work in a preschool so get 2 weeks off for Christmas). I have always dreaded the holidays because my home life was so stressful. I would spend some time with my friend to help break up the break and it wouldn't be so stressful. This year though I do not have that. Most of my other friends have alienated me because they think I should be over her death by now. My new supervisor has made things horrible in the classroom. It's like having to pick between to horrible worlds.
I have been physically sick from all the stress. I started to drink but have been aware of how much I was drinking. It's been nothing more than wine coolers but the amount was increasing. I would refuse myself to buy any at the store so I would not have it at home when I would want to drink the most. All I have felt like doing is running away as far as possible but know that's not a choice and that it wouldn't solve anything.
I wish the rest of my siblings & family would be able to help take care of my mother. It is too much for one person to handle and I think I have done more than my fair share. I can't even have one day where I do not have to do something for her. If I do not answer my phone, she continues to call constantly! For example, this weekend I turned my phone on silent for just one hour... I had 18 missed calls, 7 nasty voice mails, and 5 nasty text messages demanding that I call her immediately. That's only in a single hour! I could be sick and she would still push me to get out and go to the store or get dinner for her when she has food in her refrigerator but is too lazy to cook.
I am so done! I want to just give up and not go on anymore...

I wish I could get my siblings together. When my mom was in the hospital back in Sept or Oct, my aunts, grandma and brother stepped up some but now that she's back home, They have disappeared again. My oldest aunt at least is helping my mom keep on track with money/bills so that does help some. It would be nice to have them closer though so on the nights she spends in the ER, I wouldn't have to constantly be the one there. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother to death but dang! In one month's time, there was an 8 day hospital stay, 18 ER trips (sometimes 2 times in a day) and numerous other dr visits in between. Working one job full time, another part time job babysitting, taking 13 hrs of classes and then taking care of her full time on top of it all is way way way too much! I ended up failing two of my classes (my online classes) because I was unable to get to the library and keep up with the homework since we were at the hospital so much.
I know I'm battling depression but after the issues with my father its extremely hard to talk to someone face-to-face about it. I have major trust issues. When I finally am able to trust somebody, I end up getting too close emotionally. The phrase "I promise" makes me cringe every time I hear it because growing up my father would always say he would visit and then add on "I promise" but then never show up. If he did show up, he stayed at the house and missed everything that I wanted him to see/do and was the whole purpose of the trip. Unfortunately yesterday I not only got into arguments with my mother, but it was the first time in 5 years that I responded to anything my father texted me (BIG mistake) and ended up in an argument with him as well. I spent the entire day either crying or sleeping. My eyes are still sore and bright red today and sick to my stomach. I don't understand grief and wish it would just go away but I know it won't....
I am glad I found this website though because I respond best with my feelings through email/chat. It takes out the face-to-face pressure. Rejection isn't.. immediate.

I am glad that you wrote a long post, just putting your feelings down on paper (screen) you get a lot off of your chest. This should help you to feel better. And it is nice to know that somebody out there understands and cares.

18 trips to the er is a lot. I am sure that this is putting a lot of strain on you. Is your mom a senior citizen? They have people that will come in and visit her for a while to give you a break. That is what I did with my grandmother. I had people come in and sit with her, they would read to her and other things. It freed me up so I could have a life. There is also the department of human services. She might be eligable for some help there too. I would look around and see about home help care also and see if she qualifies for anything. Keep us posted and let us know how you are doing. Keep your chin up. It really helps make the day go by better. Know that we are all here for you.

Hugs, Karen

This is an especially hard time of the year. Now and the next couple of months. It just seems to be that way. I don't know, I guess the holidays have a lot to do with the way that we feel.

Has anybody told you why your mom is in such condition? Why she is in so much pain. I have fibromyalgia and am in pain all of the time. It is hard, but I make my way through.

Don't underestimate your mother's pain. We don't really know how she actually feels. Only she knows that. But if she is exagerating it, I feel bad for you. It is a hard thing to deal with.

Be easy on yourself, especially during this time. Maybe take some leisurely time for yourself and do something nice for just you.

Keep trying. Things will get better. Good luck with group.

Hugs, Karen

I am glad that you made some fond memories today. You will never regret the kids. That must be fun times for you. They are so special.

If you are inclined to think that your mom is playing you, then she probably is. I am sorry about that. You might have to start some tough love with her which isn't easy. But it will be for her own good. Let her know that there are things that you expect of her and that she needs to do them. It will make her stronger in the long run. Don't let this run you down. You are taking on a lot. Somebody eventually will have to become her gaurdian if she keeps going down hill. Especially if she has any mental issues. She will need somebody to take care of her if she doesn't start taking care of herself.

You don't have to take this on if you don't want to. There are other routes that you might be able to choose. It is a huge responsibility, but she will eventually need somebody to speak for her behalf and look out for her best interests. Anyhow, take it one day at a time. Try not to worry too much. This will work out for the good. You sound like a good person and things end up working out eventually. And we learn in the process. Take care, Oh yeah, I couldn't think of the word back there. But if you ever do become gaurdian over your mom, make sure that you get conservator too. This gives you charge of her financial issues and her health. You make the decisions. But like I say, it is a lot of responsibility. But if you are doing it anyway, you may as well have control. And if she has any monies, you can get paid for it. That is if it ever comes to that point. That could be years down the road.

I am rattleing on.

Hugs, Karen

That is so sweet. You are a very special person. My DIL works with autistic children. It is quite rewarding.

Thank you for sharing your experiences. That is so cool. Keep up the good work. This this job just come to an end? What will you do now?

Hugs, Karen

I think that you will get a lot of gratification out of the elementary kids too. You will make new little friend. This warms my heart to think about it. These children are lucky to have you coming. And know that the time you spent with the preschoolers was wonderful for them and they will remember you for that.

Keep posting and let us know how things are going.

Hugs, Karen

I KNOW THAT PAIN. MY HEALING COMPASSIONATE PRAYERS TO YOU.

-JAMIE.

Why don't you call her? Is there a reason? Or are you just scared? I am sure she would love that. And today would be a good day to do it.

Hugs, Karen

OMG I am so sorry. You could write a letter to her. I know this must be hard for you. Try to remember fond memories. Write them down if you feel like it. I didn't realize that she was gone, though you probably mentioned it in your earlier post. I got mixed up.

I hope that things get better for you. Keep fond memories of your friend and know that you will be together one day. Try to enjoy the season. Try not to be sad, but if you need a good cry, go for it. Let it all out hon.

Keep posting and know that we all do really care.

Hugs, Karen

Hi It's Genetic,
I actually was talking with my aunt just a few days ago about getting my mother a psych evaluation. It was actually her idea. I've started staying at my apartment more and finally enjoying it. I'm lonely but at the same time away from manipulation & emotional abuse... I got a package from my father today. It was nice as it was a Christmas present. What came afterwards was what hurt... he called & I didnt make it to my phone in time, which I honestly I probably wouldnt have answered anyways.. He leaves a nasty message though and then wonders why I dont have anything to do with him :(

hi Youngmil,
thanks for sharing some love & sunshine, definately needed at this time!

Thanks Karen Im just wishin for the holidays to pass quickly...

I'll have to see if I can find that book. I don't know how to be happy, at least not truly happy.. Its been so long. Ive faked it for so many years...

Its Genetic,
I'm trying! I know my friend would want me to have a pleasant break. :)