don't know where to go from here

Sorry I havn't been around for awhile. Jamiee, that sounds like it would be a nice tatt!
It's been crazy around here! On Feb 15, I had my grandfather from Canada pass away (I never met him face to face, only knew we were even related about 2 years ago..) and then just this past weekend I had to move my mother back to Oklahoma and in to a care center because I could no longer take care of her by myself. She at least is now closer to the rest of my family and seems to be happy again. The biggest obstacle for me right now is this upcoming Saturday... It is the first birthday of my friend Debbie since she passed away.. totally NOT handling it well at all! Any suggestions???
I woke up at abotu 3:30 this morning from a horrible dream. It was like everything that happened at the end of the school year last year was repeating... After the initial freak out, I had something stuck in my head that wouldn't go away and felt the huge urge to write it down... Here is what it was:

You would have turned 60 today,
if you were still here.
Although you are so far away,
our hearts have kept you near.

The pain has eased a bit I guess,
yet has not gone away.
It will always stay a part of us,
until we join you one day.

We send our love to you,
from all our hearts to yours.
Just think, a birthday spent in Heaven,
means you'll spend it with The Lord.


There are some friends that I worked with last semester that want to meet for lunch on Saturday to celebrate her birthday.. I want to go but I don't think I can handle the crowd. :/

my comdolences over your loss. know that i am here for you. with loving compassion, jamie. funds are tight, but i will get that tatt sometime this year !!!!!

keep strong my friend.

well done. you did it !!!!!!!!!!!! and shared. proud of you. with compassion. jamie

 

I am very happy for you!!!

Hugs, Karen

yep such is life !!!!!!!!!!!!!! the one definate in life is change. with compassion, jamie.

Well, it's been another huge downhill on the emotional rollercoaster since Thursday...
On the way to work, I notice that the speedometer on my car is not working (yay! the lemon has to go back to the shop!!!...) While at work, I find out that not only will I not get to work summer school with the supervisor I have now but that she may be moved to work in the high school next year too or possible that she will be changing school districts... And to top it all off... as I am leaving work I check my email to see if I had anything from the bank about the loan... denied!
The financial stuff does really bug me but I think what is bothering me more is the fact that my supervisor Marian may be leaving next year. I just lost my best friend/supervisor Debbie in may, and I have actually bonded with Marian quicker than I had expected. As soon as she started talking about possibly changing school districts, my heart began to crumble... The one person that has helped me the most to actually start grieving and to accept the fact that I need to grieve to heal is the one that may leave... It is SO EXTREMELY hard not to back up & throw the brick wall up again :'-(

maybe writing it down will help. you could give it to her to read. just a thought. chin up my friend, keep strong, jamie

slow and steady my friend. just write a bit at at a time. keep strong. here for you, jamie

it will come. try to slow your mind a tad. trouble studying myself, just breaking it up and slowing it down. with compassion, jamie.

Well, thank you Jamie & Karen... I was able to talk with my friend Marian today. It helps that I work with her and texted her early in the day saying I had something for her to read & talk about it after school. This way I sat my notebook on the table by her desk & she could read it when she had time to. It was nice to let her be the one to bring it up after everyone else left.
I wrote a little bit last night & got frustrated so put it away. This morning though as I dropped my car off at the mechanic, I was actually waiting on her to come pick me up I was able to finally start writing some thoughts down. After reading your comment Karen, I was able to think of a little bit more to add so I was glad that I hadn't given it to her before school started.
I was reassured though that even if she did change positions over the summer or next year that we would stay in touch There are some people that know the full story of what I've gone through growing up & with everything that's happened in the last year but she is one of the very very few people that have accepted me for me and is just fine with that

Now just if I didn't have a pinched nerve in my neck today would be a great day! lol

thanks :)

and even better news... my car is fixed woo hoo! :)

This will happen from time to time. And it is okay to cry. It is good to cry. Just keep remembering the fond memories that you had with her. I hope that you shed some happy tears too with the memories that you have of her.

Hugs, Karen

HUGS :) I am hoping this isn't just a high on a rollercoaster but feelin really good today! Yesterday was a turning point for me. It took a few blunt conversations with a friend of mine to realize that I needed to change the ways I responded to some things. We both were looking at it being possible PTSD and I still have an appointment with my dr april 11 to talk about possibility of meds for depression. There had been 2 places that I have been avoiding since Debbie passed away and yesterday I was able to finally go to both of them! :D I have finally gotten to the point that I know its ok to be happy and not punish myself afterwards for being happy. It helped some that the weather was BEAUTIFUL!

It's a little frustrating though the one person that has helped me through this so much hasn't responded to any of my texts or emails since Friday after work. I know it may seem kinda petty but I was hoping to be able to share this positive step forward with her instead of just the negative sides where I needed that push to keep going.

Off to enjoy another beautiful day, do a little homework, and hopefully get some fishing in! Have a great day!