don't know where to go from here

I think before I was pushing myself too hard and then beating myself up when I couldn't do it. Everybody kept telling me "you can do it!" but I didn't believe it. I am finally starting to believe it :) It will be nice to have more good days than bad!

Thanks!!

hahaha overall still a good day :) weather was beautiful & I had a lazy day inside with all the windows open.. even succombed (sp?) to a nap attack.. gotta love spring break! :) Tonight though am a lil tempermental I guess you can call it. I was talking with a friend on Facebook and meant to put a :) and accidently hit :/ instead.. before I could correct it she sent "now what" I know I could have easily just said it was meant to be a :) but it hit me wrong & made me kinda pissed Instead of typing back tho just said "sorry nm" and signed off.
I can feel the emotions starting to go wacky but Im gonna fight it. So decided to leave facebook alone for awhile and vent here a little bit and then move on (hopefully lol)

thanks! :) decided to go attempt to make fajitas for dinner :)

lol Ended up being lazy and just taking turkey & cheese & wrappin it up in a tortilla LOL maybe tomorrow will do fajitas. There has been some entertainment for the evening though! Took a break from homework to look outside my window (im on the 3rd floor) and theres 8 cops standing below, arresting one person & not 5 mins later they put up crime scene tape lol lovely!!!!

hehehehe It was a good distraction from my homework. it was just a bad fight I guess from what Im hearing through my window lol started in the apt 2 floors down and then the dude left here and they found him injured a block or so away

I am happy to see you are feeling better Nichole. And Jamie... I imagine it can get kind of scarey to see things like that. You must live in a city. We have a lot of crime here in the town next to us. But our town is pretty quiet. Though there are a few troublesome youths. I guess they are bored. There isn't much to do here.

I hope that you have a good spring break. Keep up the good work. And I know it is work. You are doing good.

Many hugs, Karen

deleted Debbie's number off my phone tonight.... feelin guilty...

I dunno what is the cause of it... it could be the weather being cold & nasty again, effects from feelin guilty about deleting her number, a reoccurance of a horrible memory that was hidden for awhile (MAJOR meltdown on Sat.. couldnt text, talk, drive.. just sat & cried until it passed & then continued on my way. I was about 50 minutes in on a 3 hr drive..) I dunno! I have felt so.. foggyheaded! That's the only way I have been able to explain it. I can't wait until the 11th when I can see my 'primary dr' (I don't see how they call her my primary doc when it takes 3 weeks just to get in to her! I even added needing to see her about a pinched nerve in my neck UGH!!!!!!) When I made the appointment, I wanted to see what I could do for depression and of course the pinched nerve (which I still have but at least its a little better so I can move my head) But I have always been curious, at least for the past 3 or 4 years, if I am bipolar and ADD (pretty sure I am ADD but didn't have much trouble till recently) Two of my friends have put thoughts of possible PTSD from Debbie passing away. I see that as a tiny possibility but I don't know much about it.
Does anybody here have info on PTSD or bipolar?

repressed childhood memories... I can see that one easily for me. I have done spending sprees before.. Not outlandish like 100s & 100s of dollars but have gone up to about $150 before. My mind definately races and half the time its about depressive thoughts.

I realized tonight that I hate myself. Once I said it, I cried for about 20 minutes but then moved on. I realized though that I hate myself and have ever since I was little.

Ok so maybe I didn't move on as well as I had thought (hoped?)... Ended up texting with a friend until about 1am. I hate when you start to cry and its one of those where you know your crying but not breathing for about 10-20 seconds at a time.. eyes of course were super bloodshot & itchy and my chest hurt from straining to force myself to breathe.

As I was leaving work yesterday I started to realize something that left me kinda confused...
Its like my brain is fighting with itself.. One moment I want attention from someone and think of what I could do to get more attention.. next moment thoughts run through my mind about how I could function acceptably throughout the day with as little attention/contact with this person as possible.. & then its trying to figure out why. A thought that ran through my head earlier was how I could avoid contact/interaction to a degree in the beginning but its like the end result would be to figure out if this person would seek out the interaction first.. almost like in the back of mind, wondering if they cared enough to notice a difference Its confusing because I don't know why these thoughts are running through my head and my mind is fighting against the thoughts at the same time which is leaving a super foggy feeling!