I hate this time of year...wish I didn't

Goodness I hate christmas. I never feel more alone than at this time. I have 4 siblings, my parents are still alive, I have 3 kids and an ex-wife that likes me...but I hate this. Every year its the same darned thing - tears tears tears...My sibs and parents are in the west, my eldest son wants nothin to do with me and I gotta work. I live alone and feel it always. Ah hell, I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

Then why cant I pass a single thought without crying?!?!? I just want this all to be over. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I just got back to work in Sept after 2years off and now I cant put anything into my work. I'm tired...soul tired. I'm 50 and not sure i want to see 51. ya ya ya...sure I got lots to live for. what? this again next year?

no, I'll not hurt myself. Not fair to my kids. just do what i need and self medicate my way thru the holidays. then another season will pass and i'll go thru it all again. what god? what god pours this pain on someone? this is a prison planet and i musta been some kinda ****** to have to go thru this. sorry. my mind does wander and rant

Edit - I took one word out of the first part of your post - thank you for understanding.

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 12/24/2010 7:00:40 AM (GMT-7)

Thanks Jamie.....easier said than done when you feel no good to anyone. Fibro makes snow activities difficult and i dont feel like company. I just want to sleep or medicate the days away.

BUT, I've survived this long, eh? yup. gotta remember...

yesterday's a history
tomorrow's a mystery
today's a gift
that why it's called the Present....

one day at a time......

thank you Jamie...thank you.

bne74honda,

Hello and welcome to HealingWell.  You are in the same position as so many at this time of year  -

If the Christmas season seems to be depleting your reserves of good will towards your fellow human beings; if you catch yourself thinking uncharitable thoughts about Santa Claus or Kris Kringle; or should you experience the urge - however fleeting - to pull the plug on Rudolph's bright red bulb, it is time to take a deep breath. You can make it through Christmas. You, too, can be a Christmas survivor.

Are you fretting about how nothing in your life can ever compare to the picture-perfect image of blissful, wrinkle-free, smudge-free, dirty-dishes-free Christmas in TV ads and movies and magazines and what-have-you? Stop now! There is no such thing as a perfect anything. Christmas is what you make of it and it is up to you to decide what niche of this vast cultural edifice you  want to occupy. And then forget about idealized conceptualizations of Christmas and just live it and enjoy it. This is one of those cases where lowering your expectations is actually a good thing. Go back to the very beginning. It all started with a baby in a manger, not with the latest fad in plush toys.

Make new traditions;  go out and be around people.  Take in a funny movie,  buy yourself a new book, visit a church if you wish and just sit in the peace and quiet.  Be kind to yourself as you are a very special person.

"I believe that you control your destiny, that you can be what you want to be. You can also stop and say, No, I won't do it, I won't behave this way anymore. I'm lonely and I need people around me, maybe I have to change my methods of behaving and then you do it." Leo Buscaglia

Try to post in the forum here over the holiday and talk with others who feel the same as you as the members here are simply wise and wonderful.

I wish you peace,

Kitt

Thank you all for your input and concern. Yes, alcohol is one way I self medicate and fully understand the dangers so won't allow myself to use it. I've had my problems with it in the past.

Unfortunately, I'm working tonight so no nice supper or hot bath BUT when I get off at 7 am I'm heading to my ex's to have Christmas morning with my kids, so I'm feeling better. Last night was a real test - a very far down bipolar swing. I suppose I came on here to rant and kinda work it out in my head. I've been on this medication roller coaster for a very loooong time and actually have found a good combination. The culprit is SAD. I get down at every season change but this year is especially bad. I haven't spoken to or seen my mother in well over 10 years and she came east just last week. I've spent many hours with her since she arrived and came to realise that my anger and depression were not caused by what she may or may have not done but by my deep-seeded feelings of loss over our estrangement.

I gave in to my real feelings when I first saw her and let it all go, and it has been very rewarding. I am also just out of a 2 yr relationship that ended well but has left me feeling that much more alone - even though I'm spending time with her on Dec 27. Over the past 2 yrs I have been adopted by her 3 grand kids as a very real grandfather and have found immeasurable happiness in this role. it's really for them that I'm going to be there - and THAT'S worth a smile!

Genetic - taxes are a sore spot for me - haven't filed in 2 years - so I'll keep that off my mind for a bit!

I just feel overwhelmed and I know everyone here can relate. I got into a stupid situation and am facing serious charges in court, my job is moving to a new city in Mar 2012 and probably the worst is my eldest son hating me. Toss in a broken down car, no money, collection agencies.....well...you get the picture.

So, I gotta remember- one day at a time. Thanks again for listening.

Brian

Karen,

Thanks. Yes, grand kids make the world all ok, don't they! I wish you all the best this season.

Brian

'If you stand with one foot in the past and one in the future, you're sure to pee on the present' - bne74honda

hi brian,

it is a hard time for me too. parents divorced after a violent marriage and christmas has been terrible, so i spent it at my friends house. it was much nicer there. i'm a kid too. 16 years old and i wish that my parents had more time for me. mum got mad on christmas day for not spending it with any of the family, dad didnt get into contact until later in the day. surprisingly it was a nice text. no presents or cards from anyone so my friend's mum bought me loads to cheer me up. what i'm trying to say is value what you have. your kids should make your christmas special no matter the consequences. i always said that if i ever have kids, that they would save my christmases and make them special again. children put so much life into the festive season. i certainly do when i'm around my friends, teachers and other adults :-D next year, watch your kids faces light up when they open their presents. see how warm it makes you feel inside.

many warm hugs, arielle.