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broke down so bad

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Posted 1/1/2011 11:00 PM (GMT 0)
i broke down really really bad today, i cried for two hours straight, i felt how i felt every single day after my best friend died, it was one of the hardest things, I've had to go through, it hurt me a lot more than a lot of things I've had to deal with, and I've dealt with a lot but this pain was different, it was more of a hopeless pain a pain i had never felt before, i literally lost myself through out the whole grieving process, i had lost my grasp on reality, and i still don't have a tight grip on it, and i honestly am scared that i never will, i was fine through out the whole day, then this overwhelming pain consumed me later on at night, at 2 in the morning to be exact, i felt an ache in my stomach, and tightness in my throat and a need to cry and cry which i did, i also felt the need to leave to go far far away i didn't know where to but i just felt i had to leave to avoid the pain, but even as a type this i can't shake off that feeling on inner gut wrenching pain, i went out with my family today, to clear my head, but i was out of it still am and my eyes are still glossy from crying , they had no idea i had cried that same exact day that i hid under the covers and cried until four in the morning i was angry when i woke up and frustrated a couple hours before i couldn't breath, i couldn't catch my breath , whenever i tried i cried more and more,he actually is gone, i still sometimes don't believe it, i just feel like maybe i could've done something, maybe just maybe if i was there this wouldn't have happened, maybe he still would be here, i remember writing that to him in a letter, because i wrote him many, but i reread two of them and i sound insane, i wasn't myself, i remember a dream i had of him talking to me and saying "it wasn't meant to be this way, we should be together" he was meant to be my best friend, and i regret not spending all the time in the world with him. i feel like such a failure for crying today because i was doing okay, i really was, i didn't cry as much, i felt okay finally okay, but then today i don't know what happened i don't know what came over me, i just want to be okay, i want to be strong, i really just want to start living, but somehow i can't.

Post Edited (whathurtsthemost) : 1/1/2011 4:22:59 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/1/2011 11:40 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there. I am sorry to see that you are in such grief. But please do not be upset or angry with yourself for feeling it so fully. I fully believe that grief is the beginning or necessary part of the healing process. However, with that said, it is always important to realize if this process is not making you feel any better at all over a period of time. This could turn into situational depression or even clinical depression. Have you spoken to your family and friends at all about how you feel? Or perhaps you should seek the help of a compassionate therapist or religious leader.

In the meantime, be kind to yourself. You have obviously suffered a painful loss. You need to allow yourself time to properly grieve from it.

Please feel fee to keep posting here. This is a safe place to share your feelings and we are a caring family. My thoughts and prayers will be with you.

Cass

Post Edited (CassandraLee) : 1/1/2011 4:43:55 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/1/2011 11:42 PM (GMT 0)
whathurtsthemost

I am sorry for your pain.  Talk to a grief counselor.  A grief counselor can help answer your questions and provide ideas on healthy ways to remember your friend.

Kitt

Posted 1/2/2011 3:38 AM (GMT 0)
Dear whathurtsthemost,

I'm sorry to hear that you are in so much pain from the death of your friend. I know those words probably don't mean much to you, since your grief seems incredibly deep, but please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.

As for freaking out, try your best not to be so hard on yourself. You are definitely entitled to an occassional slip, and it really sounds as if this friend meant a lot to you. After losing one of my friends, I remember having similar episodes. I, too, wrote him letters. I reread them a couple of weeks ago on my laptop, and I ended up getting rid of every single one, because each letter went to place in my past in which I did not want to return (most of them were very angry and spastic). But in times in the midst of grief, I think "sounding insane" is okay, as long as we aren't like that all the time.

It WILL be okay. I promise. Just remember that your friend is watching over you, and that he can see how much you're hurting. And you can talk to him any time that you want, because I'm sure that he's always listening. And one day, don't forget, you'll be reunited with him. But until that time, I hope that your strength holds up (and I'm sure it will!).

It's okay to grieve. Part of grieving feels like losing a grip on reality, but it's probably because your brain isn't used to the feelings that you are experiencing. I agree with the above post-it might be hard, but seeing someone about this would help greatly. And please, keep posting! We will try and help you as best we can. :)
Posted 1/2/2011 4:23 AM (GMT 0)
sending my deepest healing prayers to you. my sincere condolences. with compassion, jamie.
Posted 1/3/2011 11:14 PM (GMT 0)
thank you all so much for the advice <3

i will be seeing my psychiatrist soon, and i'll let him know how i'm feeling <3

thank you all again for listening to me in my time of need <3

Post Edited (whathurtsthemost) : 1/3/2011 4:23:21 PM (GMT-7)

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